Sometimes..... I Get to Sleep Past Noon..

Sometimes....just sometimes, the stars align just right and I get a little much needed sleep. I have to admit this happens once in a blue moon. So when the opportunity presents itself I grab it.

This past month has been a hard adjustment.  Having my husbands health go slightly downhill, and me being home 24/7 and not being able to really go anywhere (unless there is someone here to "babysit"),  except for quick trips to pick up kids or down to the convenience store has been difficult.  I've had to adjust to being on no kind of set schedule at all.  I never quite know when Todd is going to be awake or a sleep. I've had to try and develop my "baby ears" again at night...you remember, when you have newborns and you hear every tiny little noise.  This has been a necessity since he has now fallen 5 different times in the middle of the night.  There is nothing more nerve wracking...that gets your adrenalin flowing faster than waking from a deep sleep to a loud crash.  So I've started waking to every little noise again, and even when I sense that he isn't laying next to me. To say the least for me to get more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep is rare.....very rare. 


Ok so I admit I didn't sleep uninterrupted past noon I did wake at least 3 different times during the night, to help my husband with his oxygen each time he got up, and at 7ish this morning I woke up to hear two of my boys in the living room playing some racing game on our Wii.  I even got on my laptop for about 30 minutes (yea I have problems).  When I saw my husband was still sleeping soundly I laid back down...I'm pretty sure I was out within seconds. The next thing I knew it was 12:45.... HOLY CRAP! I never heard a sound...

So I've officially declared it a Lazy Day....I've done absolutely nothing. Ok I did get up and work out on my elliptical for 15 minutes....and then decided the last piece of chocolate cake that was sitting on the kitchen counter seemed like a better choice.  I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the rest of the cake. I'm guessing my kids were channeling their grandpa this morning...who loved Bill Cosby....and had chocolate cake for breakfast.  Let's be honest, sometimes we all deserve a little chocolate cake for breakfast.  We'll celebrate the fact that I'm in a good mood because I got a little bit of rest. :o)

This One is for My Dad

Tomorrow would be my dad's 66th birthday....and I've been thinking about him a lot lately.  He died October 10, 1989. I was 17 years old... he was 43, my mom was 39.  I can't help but make comparisons... I'm 39....my husband will be 43 in 2 weeks...my son will be 17 in 3 weeks.  Yea it kind of freaks me out a little (if you've read my past posts you understand).  But like I said tomorrow is my dad's birthday and he was larger than life to me...so this post is dedicated to him.

There was two sides to my dad that I loved.... One side was a great businessman.  He worked in the casinos. I say I grew up in New Jersey, but we actually moved back and forth from Las Vegas to New Jersey a couple of times.  He was the hardest working man I knew, and he was very much respected in the work place. I remember times that I would be with him walking through one of the places he worked and it seemed like he knew everyone. I just remember random people working saying "Hey Mr. Hyde...how are you doing today?" and my dad would respond (he always knew their names)..always with a smile on his face. Maybe these are just odd memories I have, but it was a great example to me of how to treat people. When my dad died he was the CEO for Donald Trump's three casinos in Atlantic City. Now my dad was not perfect...he worked all the time...he had to. He was gone a lot...and it was hard on everyone, especially our mom, (who by the way is one of my heroes). I just wanted to spend time with him, anytime that I could. So if he was home and watching PBS... a lot of times I was sitting beside him.

The other side of my dad was a great outdoors man. He grew up on a farm (in the town I live in now), and he loved hunting and fishing, and being in the mountains. When I was younger my dad taught me how to fish, how to shoot a gun, how to use a bow and arrow. I guess I was ok at it...and I probably can't do any of those things anymore...it's been so many years.  I've hunted ducks, pheasants, doves...and I've fished... a lot.  Did I enjoy doing any of these things? Depends how you look at it.... I hate fish...but I loved spending the time with him.  I have to admit I liked shooting guns, and I felt kind of cool with a bow and arrow.. (really I'm kind of a dork I know). 

My dad was always the one, when my mom and I would argue, to come and smooth things over.  He would sit and talk to me, dry my tears and make me smile. He always and I mean always said to me "Hey..don't smile..you're face might crack." As hard as I tried not to, I of course always did, and then he would give me a hug and tell me everything would be ok. He was quiet, but stern...strong. I never wanted to disappoint him.  I can't help but look at my life my choices I've made and wonder if he's disappointed. I think he's probably shaking his head a lot...but I have a feeling he knows I can get through all this.  Maybe I'll take a drive through the mountains tomorrow...Happy Birthday Dad.  I love you. :o)

Learning to Forgive

The keyword would be "learning".... and I am doing just that.  This has been a challenging process. It's all trial and error, and asking myself.. How do I do this? and Am I ready to do this? The second question I can answer for sure... Yes I'm ready to forgive my husband.  How? this one is a little tougher.

To say my husband and I have been through a lot in the past 14 years would be an understatement....more like we've been through Hell and back, more than once....and it has been hard.  Alcoholism is NOT funny.  You may laugh at someone who you see drunk acting stupid  every once in a while....on the weekends...at a club... in a bar...whatever.  When you deal with it EVERY day it loses the humor...if there really ever was any.  I don't drink, I've never liked the taste of alcohol....although I  will admit I have gotten horribly drunk once, and puked my guts out the entire night into the next day....Yea...that was fun.  For the life of me I don't get what is so appealing about that....but this of course is my own opinion. I'm not going to get on a soap box about drinking, do what you want because it is of course your life to live. 

So....How do I forgive? Like I said before, trial and error.  I went down the road of getting really, really angry....reducing my husband...a man that I never saw cry (except at my nephews funeral), to a waterfall of tears (twice).  I wanted to hurt him, as bad as he hurt me.  I made him listen to me, to things he said and did. He  denied them at first, told me I was lying. Why the Hell would I make something like that up?  So he listened and he cried and he apologized.....and I still couldn't forgive him. I was still angry and I hated him, and because of that I started to hate myself, the person that I was becoming.  At this point I really had to stop...take a step back and ask myself what I really wanted, no....what I needed.  I needed to find myself, figure out who I was.  This is where I am right now, and it is really challenging.  I don't have all the answers.  I do know that as I find myself, as I discover who I am, as I stop labeling myself as the "wife of an alcoholic".... that it's easier to let go of the past...it's a little easier to let go of the anger. 

My husband, regardless of his addictions.... is still my husband, he's still the father to our four really awesome kids....for that reason he  will always be an important part of my life, and I will always love him.  I'm also confident in saying that one day I will be able to say, "I forgive you," and I'll mean it because I won't be angry anymore. Whether that day will be while he is still here, or after he's gone.....I just don't know....it is still a process and I am still finding myself. It is however getting easier.

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury.  ~E.H. Chapin

 

My amazing little girl

 This is for all women who have been through a lot in life and survived!! Say this out loud "I am strong because I know weakness. I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering. I am alive because I am a fighter. I am wise because I have been foolish. I can laugh because I have known sadness. I can love because I have known loss..... I have weathered the storm.... and still love to dance in the rain."

 My daughter is amazing... Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that she is only 12.  Along with my 3 boys she has been handed a life that is trying and frustrating and hard, and she handles it all unbelievable well for a 12 year old.  I keep looking for the moments when I think she is going to break, and it worries me that she will. She proves me wrong time and time again.... Now she is far from perfect, she is after all 12. She started Junior High this year, which brings it's own set of problems and challenges.  Make-up....boys...clothes...hair...homework and she has good days and bad days.  But  I just can't say it enough...she AMAZES me. She is beautiful and talented, she plays the violin and she loves to sing and she is unbelievably confident. In fact I keep wondering where this child came from. I was the shy, please don't call on me in class, please don't notice me girl.. I wish I would have had half of her confidence when I was her age.  I don't think there are many people who even remember me from school, because I just tried to blend in and disappear. 

So why am I talking about my daughter today.....honestly I was thinking earlier how much I love her laugh. It's very infectious....you can't help but laugh yourself when you hear her...I love it.  I was thinking about an incident that happened the other night between her and her dad.  She was in the kitchen using the blender making fruit smoothies and Todd walked in ....all I heard next was "DAD...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"...and then she was cracking up uncontrollably...so I went into the kitchen to see what in the world was going on. "Mom....dad just dumped a full cup of sugar in the blender!" to which my husband said "What? it was supposed to go in there".....which started the laughter all over again.  The point is....she could have gotten completely upset with her dad because he totally ruined the smoothies...but instead she decided to laugh about it.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someones hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.
- Unknown

Dear daughter, there will always be times in your life that are hard, remember who you are and how important you are in this life.  Learn to forgive...it's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes it takes years, in fact I still work on this one every day. You will be hurt by people you love...and it's not easy to understand. Remember to stand up for what you believe and for who you are. You have a strong, confident voice that people will listen to....and always...always remember to enjoy life ..every moment that you can....Love...Laugh...and always dance in the rain....  

Learning to cope....

Truth be told I started a post got to the end of it and decided I hated it....so I'm starting all over again with something completely different.  I'll see where this takes me....


Life to say the least is a little upside down and backwards right now. First of all I have a very sick husband on Hospice requiring me to be here.....all the time.  Second...I'm not used to being home 24/7, I've worked pretty much my entire marriage... and third...I'm dealing with kids, who....are having a hard time with all of this...and act out sometimes in not so great ways.

So how am I dealing with all of this? Well to be honest at first I didn't... When Todd was in the hospital I spent everyday going back and forth to visit and I would get home at about 10:00 at night take a Xanax and fall asleep....for a couple of weeks I barely saw my kids...I didn't care what my house looked like...I didn't even care what I looked like. I survived... I kept moving because I had to, when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and not get up. When he ultimately was able to come home... I wasn't prepared... he refused to do the physical therapy at the rehab center because he was in pain...and they kicked him out. I didn't even get 24 hours notice.  The day I brought Todd home....the Rehab Center put all of his medications in a bag handed it to me and sent us on our way. I got home sat on my bed started looking through the bag...and cried...I didn't even know how to give him his insulin....and now I have to deal with oxygen tanks and him using a walker....and it was all very overwhelming.  As if this wasn't enough, about 5 minutes after I got him home, I got a call from my 16yr old son....he was in the Mall security office. Are.You.Kidding.Me?!?!  I was literally pacing up and down my hallway...talking myself out of getting in my car and driving as far away as I possibly could... that's the absolute truth. I ended up calling a friend of mine to take me to the mall to pick up my son because I didn't trust myself driving and actually taking the exit.

So how have I started to cope with all of this?  One of those ways is Hospice...I'm not kidding. I feel like I've had a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.  They are AMAZING!  Second is my new blog...obviously... third I'm getting back to something I stopped a few months ago....exercise...really. For me it's a huge stress reliever...I put my headphones on turn my Ipod up as loud as I can handle it....and "Bring sexy back" (You have to have music that makes you feel good when you exercise)....fourth I make sure my kids know it's still ok to laugh and have fun...and we do.  My house is still a mess...but honestly I'm not the greatest housekeeper...I'm not a perfect mom but I make sure my kids know we can talk about anything, and I try to spend as much time as possible with them and reassure them that we are going to be ok, and we are going to make it through all of this. Life will continue to go on no matter what happens...We deal with the way life is right now...and when the time comes that things change again, we will find ways to deal with it then.

Oh my Gosh my very first post

So I guess I'll begin with me...

This isn't an update of what's going on with my kids or what's going on with my family kind of blog...well not in the way people would expect.  I decided over the last 14 years of marriage and raising kids....I've been through a lot. This is mainly for me....and well if anyone else cares to read along and it helps a little then all the better.
My name is Angela (Angie...Ang. whatever the heck you want to call me). I'm 39 years old. I grew up in South Jersey (New Jersey) and I've lived in Utah for 20 something years now.  I have 4 kids... 2 teenagers..almost 3 teenagers...and the cutest little 7yr old that you will ever know, who has a cognitive disability, but just wants to be loved and love everyone around him.  I love music and working in my garden...and laughing. I'm  very sarcastic...you will probably pick up on this at some point. 
I'm married to a man who is an alcoholic... He drank for the first 10 1/2 years of our marriage. Yes, he has been sober for 3 1/2 years now.  6 months after he quit drinking he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Cirrhosis. Along with those two problems (as if that wasn't enough) he has Diabetes and Vasculitis.  He's only 42 yrs. old....and he's hoping to make it to his 43rd birthday in a couple of weeks.....I'm currently on leave from my job, I have been since the end of October, when he developed pneumonia and spent almost 4 weeks in the hospital and then another 2 weeks in a rehab facility... He was able to come home right before Christmas and we placed him on Hospice right after.  This is when I decided to write down my story....my life experiences. The joys of being a mom and raising 4 kids... But also the pain, frustration, exhaustion.. of living with alcoholism and now being a caregiver... None of it is easy, it never has been, but I've learned over the past 14 years who I am, how to get through all the crap...and learn how to be at peace and forgive... Actually I should say.. I've learned over the past 3 1/2 years how to do all this. Before that... well...I was just very angry.

I will mostly be talking about what we go through now....I try to find humor where I can, because I have to... and when life throws lemons at me, which it seems to have done over and over again lately...well I decided to start throwing them back...and saying "I'm sorry but I prefer lime in my Diet Coke"
Life is what we make of it....we can take what we are given and learn from it and move forward... or we can sit back and be miserable and stand still. I did that for years....I'm ready to move forward....