It's been an odd week. There's been a lot of tension in the air. My husband has been struggling with wanting to be able to do things and not being able to do those things because of his limitations. Limitations he doesn't see, and it causes a lot of arguments. It's tiring...I hate that we have the same arguments every day, and I've started just having to walk away. He's had a couple of "temper tantrums" this week. I don't want to treat him like a child but when he's acting like one it's so hard not to. Because I've been struggling a little bit lately with everything that is going on, I've been spending a lot of time alone and thinking a lot about life and why things happen. I've had a couple of great conversations with friends of mine this week. One had to do with God's love for us. I'm not going to get preachy...this is just how I feel. I haven't been to church in years but it doesn't mean I don't believe or have faith. Over the years I've had times when I was incredibly angry with God completely ignoring that he was there for me...times I sat at the top of my stairs in the middle of the night...sobbing and pleading for help...an answer...anything. And times I've thanked Him over and over for the good things in my life, the blessings. The one thing that has never been unshakable is God's love for me. I may be incredibly stubborn but the one thing I do understand is that this life is a test. We are here to grow...to learn...too make mistakes. Life happens. God will love me no matter what.
The second conversation...well question really, was.....What do you think you are supposed to learn in this life? I don't know the answer to this one. I think it changes over the course of our lives. Right now one thing I think, might be compassion. but that I don't even know, because I wouldn't be here taking care of a man that I've had some really tough times with if I didn't have a little bit of compassion. Patience...sympathy...empathy. I just don't know. I know that everyday is a little bit different...and it's hard. I know I'm not always compassionate or sympathetic. I know I have a lot of days that I question everything. Forgiveness....definitely. That's by far one of my bigger challenges...because I don't know if I want to forgive him for everything yet, but I don't want to carry around the pain and anger anymore either. It's the letting go and being completely ok with it, that's the hard part. I think the biggest one though would be learning to love myself. Because truth is, right now I don't. I've never been comfortable in my own skin. I've never liked the way I looked. But it seems a little stupid to think this is something I need to learn. I guess the only way I can answer this is there is always something that we learn through our trials. And there is absolutely something I need to learn....or discover during this time. Maybe one day I'll have that a-ha moment where it is completely clear to me...but right now I don't know for sure.
The last thing I've asked myself....What is my purpose here? I would say I really haven't done much with my life to this point. Nothing great or wonderful. I have no clue what my talents are. I know I do things well...but would I call them talents...not really. I know it's easy for me to see the potential in other people. To recognize their strengths. I just can't see it in myself. I think this is how it is for a lot of people. We don't always see in ourselves our true potential. I would say a lot of it has to do with confidence. I just want to feel like I've contributed to society...that I've done something worthwhile in my life. I want to go back to school, but I don't know what I want to do for sure. All I've known for 14 years is being a wife and mother...and working jobs to make ends meet. I want a career...and I want it to be something I love. So I'm figuring out my purpose...as I figure out what I need to learn...and I trust in God to help me through this.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Triggers...
This afternoon I went for a drive...by myself. After three days of walking into my kitchen and it looking like a pet store threw up in it, I had enough. And after three days of just being angry over really....nothing. I walked out of the front door...got in my car..and started to drive.
Times like these are when I know I'm not over the past. I have triggers and I hate it. The things that happen that may happen everyday....but one day happen just at the right (or wrong) moment that trigger a memory in the past. Memories that my husband has apologized for over and over....but memories that hurt so much that even though I think I've gotten past them, something happens that brings it all back. Alcoholism is Hell for everyone that has to live with it. I guess I could say I'm lucky. My husband was never physically abusive. He was obnoxious...hurtful in the things he would say....controlling. I don't know maybe that's one of the reasons I justified staying. I don't particularly like talking about this part of my life, because honestly I feel stupid for putting up with it...pathetic because I didn't think I could do better. I always thought of myself as shy...awkward....ugly. Having times when I would cut my hair shorter than my husband liked it and having him tell me I looked like a boy because it wasn't long enough (even though I've never had it shorter than to my shoulders), only reinforced how I already felt about myself. He had a lot of opinions of how he wanted me to look. I put up with it all throughout the alcoholic years. I've said it in past posts, but I really had to get to my very lowest, before I could see that I really was worth something. And towards the end of the alcoholic years I started speaking up more, because I was emotionally done with my marriage. I honestly didn't care what he thought about me anymore. And I finally got to a place where I could look at him when he would say something...and I would say Fuck You...if you don't like me the way that I am....leave. Alcoholism is a funny thing, it makes you forget. When Todd got sober, things changed in our house...I changed. He denied ever doing anything, ever saying the things I would tell him he said....in fact he thought we had a perfect marriage. I feel like I was cheated out of a lot of things in our marriage. In a lot of ways I know him better than he knows himself.....and he...doesn't know me really at all. He's a different person now...well not completely. He still says stupid things that make me mad. But now he knows when he's screwed up. He has apologized over and over and cried about how much he's hurt me. He's trying hard to make things right, but for me I don't even want to go to that place. Yes, I still care about him...but right now, that's where it ends.
So my trigger...there were a few...and they just snowballed. It started with the third Twilight movie that we watched three nights ago. Ok I've read all the books, I know the stupid story. There's a reason I don't like to watch movies that are love stories. My first trigger...and from that moment it was one after another until today when after being angry for three days...I was done. I needed to clear my head. I needed to make myself stop thinking about the past. Because all I want to do is forget about it, I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to be over it. So I got in my car, and headed north. I drove to Logan...through the mountains, in complete silence...past the little farming communities.. past the college I went to for two years...past my dorms I lived in. I didn't answer my phone, I left the radio off...I talked to my dad and wished he was there because I miss him and I could really use his advice right about now. And I let my mind clear. Three hours later I pulled back into my driveway...ready to face my now clean kitchen. (My family knows it's serious when I walk into a room don't say a word and walk out of the house). My mind is clear again....the anger is gone...hopefully for a while..and I feel like I can fully function again without pretending.
Times like these are when I know I'm not over the past. I have triggers and I hate it. The things that happen that may happen everyday....but one day happen just at the right (or wrong) moment that trigger a memory in the past. Memories that my husband has apologized for over and over....but memories that hurt so much that even though I think I've gotten past them, something happens that brings it all back. Alcoholism is Hell for everyone that has to live with it. I guess I could say I'm lucky. My husband was never physically abusive. He was obnoxious...hurtful in the things he would say....controlling. I don't know maybe that's one of the reasons I justified staying. I don't particularly like talking about this part of my life, because honestly I feel stupid for putting up with it...pathetic because I didn't think I could do better. I always thought of myself as shy...awkward....ugly. Having times when I would cut my hair shorter than my husband liked it and having him tell me I looked like a boy because it wasn't long enough (even though I've never had it shorter than to my shoulders), only reinforced how I already felt about myself. He had a lot of opinions of how he wanted me to look. I put up with it all throughout the alcoholic years. I've said it in past posts, but I really had to get to my very lowest, before I could see that I really was worth something. And towards the end of the alcoholic years I started speaking up more, because I was emotionally done with my marriage. I honestly didn't care what he thought about me anymore. And I finally got to a place where I could look at him when he would say something...and I would say Fuck You...if you don't like me the way that I am....leave. Alcoholism is a funny thing, it makes you forget. When Todd got sober, things changed in our house...I changed. He denied ever doing anything, ever saying the things I would tell him he said....in fact he thought we had a perfect marriage. I feel like I was cheated out of a lot of things in our marriage. In a lot of ways I know him better than he knows himself.....and he...doesn't know me really at all. He's a different person now...well not completely. He still says stupid things that make me mad. But now he knows when he's screwed up. He has apologized over and over and cried about how much he's hurt me. He's trying hard to make things right, but for me I don't even want to go to that place. Yes, I still care about him...but right now, that's where it ends.
So my trigger...there were a few...and they just snowballed. It started with the third Twilight movie that we watched three nights ago. Ok I've read all the books, I know the stupid story. There's a reason I don't like to watch movies that are love stories. My first trigger...and from that moment it was one after another until today when after being angry for three days...I was done. I needed to clear my head. I needed to make myself stop thinking about the past. Because all I want to do is forget about it, I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to be over it. So I got in my car, and headed north. I drove to Logan...through the mountains, in complete silence...past the little farming communities.. past the college I went to for two years...past my dorms I lived in. I didn't answer my phone, I left the radio off...I talked to my dad and wished he was there because I miss him and I could really use his advice right about now. And I let my mind clear. Three hours later I pulled back into my driveway...ready to face my now clean kitchen. (My family knows it's serious when I walk into a room don't say a word and walk out of the house). My mind is clear again....the anger is gone...hopefully for a while..and I feel like I can fully function again without pretending.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Little Things...
It's the little things in life that make me happy. I say this a lot. It's as simple as a smile from a complete stranger when I'm having a really bad day. I was thinking about this post as I was patiently waiting for my husband to finish a bowl of cereal this morning. You wouldn't think that this would require patience. It was a task that took him 1 1/2 hours (not kidding). He kept falling asleep after he would take a bite. At one point I walked out of the room only to walk back in a few minutes later to his face in the bowl. I couldn't convince him to just lay down and eat something later....so I patiently waited...calling his name, scratching his back....snapping my fingers..every couple of seconds to wake him up. the difference between yesterday and today.....Night and day. Yesterday he was having a good day because he knew I was taking him shopping (It's almost like a shot of adrenalin for him...like a drug). He was dressed and ready to go before his nurse came and he kept looking out the window watching for her. Because he knew when she left...we were going. He was like a little kid. He couldn't keep his thoughts straight. I had to laugh at a lot of things he said yesterday. (You either laugh or cry...it's all in the way you choose to view it). His mind...memory was so out there. But one of my favorite moments was picking up our 7 year old from school. I've said before he has issues with comprehension....So this conversation started between him and Todd...and I just sat back and listened....totally confused...and amused. It was like listening to the "Who's on first" routine... and I just smiled to myself.
When I was growing up The little things....were simple. When I lived in Las Vegas it was walking across the street to the desert and catching lizards, riding my bike, roller skating, running around barefoot, taking a Sunday drive with my family to the Red Rocks...Ok that actually used to scare me to death sometimes if my dad drove up a steep road....but anyway you get the picture. When we moved to New Jersey.. It was playing kickball with my neighbors... catching fireflies (I miss doing that so much), playing flashlight tag and ghosts in the graveyard in the summertime after dark, swimming, hanging out with friends....running around barefoot. (I'm aware I wrote that twice)...Playing and spending time with family were the little things.
I'm finding as I'm all grown up that the little things may have changed a little...but not really. I still walk around outside barefoot. I still enjoy being silly. I still enjoy drives through the mountains taking in all the scenery. And as a grown up I still love being outdoors in the spring, summer and part of the fall. I love working in my yard... I love sitting on my front steps or back porch just....thinking. I love holding newborn babies, watching my children in any school activities, listening to them laugh hysterically. Sometimes the little things are having someone hold a door open for me, paying me a compliment when I'm having a bad day.. Having diet coke left on my doorstep. Having a complete stranger who works at a convenience store change my blown out tire in the middle of a snow storm at almost midnight. (Ok that was a big thing) Sometimes I think we make life entirely too complicated. We get hung up on having the best things in life, going on great vacations, making a lot of money. Being stressed out because we just don't have enough money. Ok it would be nice to be comfortable, not have to worry...but... When you spend your life constantly working towards those big things...Or worrying about not being able to have those big things....are you missing the little things? If not...kudos. Life is a balancing act. We have to balance the things we "have" to do to provide for our families, and the things that make us happy. My dad worked all the time, he was absolutely able to provide for his family, and I appreciate that. I'm so thankful for the memories I do have with him, but I would have loved to have more. I know right now the little things for my husband are simple....He just wants his kids to spend time with him which is why often you can see them all gathered on my bed watching tv or playing games. We don't always have as much time in this world as we think we do....stop and look around once in a while...take notice of the little things. Life is hard, but we don't have to be miserable. Appreciate what you have...stop worrying about what you don't. I guarantee the happiest people are the ones who have figured out how to do this. I'm still working on it..... But I know when I take the time to stop for a minute, I remember it truly is the little things that make me happy. ;o)
When I was growing up The little things....were simple. When I lived in Las Vegas it was walking across the street to the desert and catching lizards, riding my bike, roller skating, running around barefoot, taking a Sunday drive with my family to the Red Rocks...Ok that actually used to scare me to death sometimes if my dad drove up a steep road....but anyway you get the picture. When we moved to New Jersey.. It was playing kickball with my neighbors... catching fireflies (I miss doing that so much), playing flashlight tag and ghosts in the graveyard in the summertime after dark, swimming, hanging out with friends....running around barefoot. (I'm aware I wrote that twice)...Playing and spending time with family were the little things.
I'm finding as I'm all grown up that the little things may have changed a little...but not really. I still walk around outside barefoot. I still enjoy being silly. I still enjoy drives through the mountains taking in all the scenery. And as a grown up I still love being outdoors in the spring, summer and part of the fall. I love working in my yard... I love sitting on my front steps or back porch just....thinking. I love holding newborn babies, watching my children in any school activities, listening to them laugh hysterically. Sometimes the little things are having someone hold a door open for me, paying me a compliment when I'm having a bad day.. Having diet coke left on my doorstep. Having a complete stranger who works at a convenience store change my blown out tire in the middle of a snow storm at almost midnight. (Ok that was a big thing) Sometimes I think we make life entirely too complicated. We get hung up on having the best things in life, going on great vacations, making a lot of money. Being stressed out because we just don't have enough money. Ok it would be nice to be comfortable, not have to worry...but... When you spend your life constantly working towards those big things...Or worrying about not being able to have those big things....are you missing the little things? If not...kudos. Life is a balancing act. We have to balance the things we "have" to do to provide for our families, and the things that make us happy. My dad worked all the time, he was absolutely able to provide for his family, and I appreciate that. I'm so thankful for the memories I do have with him, but I would have loved to have more. I know right now the little things for my husband are simple....He just wants his kids to spend time with him which is why often you can see them all gathered on my bed watching tv or playing games. We don't always have as much time in this world as we think we do....stop and look around once in a while...take notice of the little things. Life is hard, but we don't have to be miserable. Appreciate what you have...stop worrying about what you don't. I guarantee the happiest people are the ones who have figured out how to do this. I'm still working on it..... But I know when I take the time to stop for a minute, I remember it truly is the little things that make me happy. ;o)
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