A Little Flip in My Perspective..

I probably should avoid writing posts when I'm feeling off.  But the purpose of my blog is to 1. Be an outlet for my emotions and 2. Give an inside view to just some of my experiences, some of the things I've learned along the way....and maybe if there is even one person out there going through something similar, to help them feel like they are not alone.  

Over the course of my 40 years....I like everyone else in this world....have made mistakes.  Life is all about accepting those mistakes as lessons and learning from them. The more we dwell on past mistakes, the less we learn from them. And if we blame others for our mistakes....well we learn absolutely nothing. A very sad thing indeed.  So what do I mean by perspective...Obviously it's how we view the world...our lives....the way we do things based on our beliefs and who we are.  Up until a few years ago I was a worrier...a dweller.  My perspective of life came almost solely from how I was raised, my beliefs....and I was afraid to think outside of my little box.  I've mentioned before that I'm LDS (a Mormon).  When I was 24 I met my husband...and one month later found myself pregnant.  Mormon and living in Utah and pregnant before marriage (not saying it doesn't happen), but it's not looked upon well at all.  I felt abandoned by people who I thought I could turn to and I was completely alone.  I felt like dirt.  I felt like every person who looked at me was judging me. I was pregnant for the first time and there wasn't one moment that I was happy.   No one will ever understand my guilt and the shame that I felt.  Do I look at that time as a mistake....that's a hard one.  I'm going to say no.  Do I wish it could have been different? Yes.  I made the choice to get married, because I didn't want those "looks" anymore.  I didn't want to raise a child alone.  Fast forward through my life...through a ton of arguments...sleepless nights...frustration...fear....pain....tears...lots of tears....Lots of mistakes.  Many times I looked back and wondered why I made the choices I made.  I got mad at myself for being so stupid for being the stubborn person that I was (still am...that will never change) and not listening to the people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  Ahhh enlightening moment....

One day I woke up and the world was a different place....not really, but I started looking at it differently.  I started questioning the way I think. Why do I have to do things to please everyone?  Why do I feel guilty for not going to church when I have people around me telling me I need to be there?  I'm not saying church is bad in fact my older kids go without me (I know good mom award of the year...I don't need the lecture). Why did I have to feel like people needed to tell me what to do for me to make a decision?  Why can't I just say NO and be ok about it?  So I stopped being a worrier. I stopped worrying about what people thought about me (which is why I can even have this blog No way I could have done this a few years ago).  If you don't like me, No big deal.  The only people that matter, in terms of what they think about me, are the people that care about me.  I have more of an attitude now.....deal with it.  I express my feelings now....get used to it.  I have good days and bad days.  I can be a pillar of strength, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect I have pieces of that pillar that have broken off and I have plenty of cracks from top to bottom. 

One very important lesson I have learned is I should never say I can't take anymore (yes I'm aware I still do this), because undoubtedly there is somebody upstairs saying, "Oh you poor dear....I'm sorry but you ain't seen nothin' yet."  I've learned to widen my perspective.  It's not contained in a box anymore.  I have a friend of mine who I've talked to a lot about this....and she always asks, when faced with a decision/situation.  "What's the worst thing that can happen?"   For some people thinking the same way their whole lives is fine, it works for them.  One way of thinking....doing things if it works for you....great.  I kind of like being able to look at things from different angles.  I like looking at things from somebody else's point of view, and at the end of the day have my own opinion.  I have to thank my friend for this because these are her words, "Sometimes you have to take your perspective and flip it."

And because I had a few people worried about me the other day...I just have to make clear.  That as long as I can get in a car turn the radio up obnoxiously loud to drown out my anger and slowly turn it down as I drive until I can turn it off and think clearly again....then I'm ok.  It also is huge when I have those people in my life who really...truly care...who will just listen for a little while and let me vent. To those of you who have done that....Thank you and you know I would do the same for you.

In a Nutshell...

I admit it, I've cracked...gone nuts....I've simply had enough.  I can't find balance.  Pretending to be happy..OK...when I know people really don't want to hear everyday that I have a bad day doesn't always work. Because no one really knows what to say.  I honestly don't know if I would know what to say either.  Should I go to therapy...probably...but I'm not spending money I don't have to talk to somebody who at the end of the day, really doesn't care.  

For a few weeks now the lava in my personal volcano has been building.  My son, who I love with all my heart, is going to drive me insane.  The other day I went to lunch with my mom and sisters and I got a text from him saying. "Mom...you need to call dad and wake him up he's been falling asleep in the garage for hours."  I'm sorry....was it too hard for him to get off the couch and walk a few feet?!  Later when I picked him up from work and he said, "So, did dad survive today?"   I lost it....I blew... When I informed him that if he expected me to continue driving him to and from work he was going to start giving me gas money, he told me I should be doing it out of the kindness of my own heart because I'm his mom.  Deep Breathe.....  A couple of days later when I decided to take a drive by myself to clear my head he got mad because I wasn't home to drive him up the road to a place maybe 5 miles away.  A place he could have, and has in the past ridden his bike to.  He was pissed....and I turned my phone off.  I apparently have done a huge disservice to my almost 18 year old son who seems to think the world needs to stop when he wants it to. Between him and my husband I have been pushed so far past my limits and I've been functioning at such a high level of frustration that I feel like I just want to give up.

My husband...the fact that he doesn't even get when he's being selfish....kills me.  Truth...I don't ask for birthday presents for a reason, because  I know we don't have the extra money to spend.  So on my birthday my husband bought me a card and a bag of granola....and he bought HIMSELF a couple of new shirts and a few things he thought he needed.  Wow... OK... HUGE TMI...if you don't want to know this much about me close your eyes...read no further at least the next couple of lines.  Here's MY selfish side.  I happen to like sex. (Sorry this is part of my reality and I'm sure I'm not alone).  I know there's a lot of women who could care less when it comes to this.  I'm not one of those women...it's been a very long time (years before he was in the hospital) and I really...really miss it.  Imagine laying next to your significant other night after night, for days, weeks, months years.  Feeling like there is a wall between you. No intimacy...no physical contact....nothing except maybe an occasional kiss good night.  The silent 'what's wrong with me' tears only happen for the first few months and then resentment year after lonely year, until we've gotten to a place where it is too late to ever go back.  Love cannot survive when we are selfish, when we don't recognize each others needs.  My husband and I are too different.  We don't fit together.

So I've finally hit my limit, I feel like I just want to disappear.  Depression has finally caught up with  me and I'm too tired to care anymore.   Yes if you see me, I'm still going to have a smile on my face, I'm still going to tell you everything is fine.  Why?  Because that's just who I am.  Life still happens.  I still have moments in between the tears that make me happy.  Life as it always does will still go on.  And because I've shown enough "crazy" for a while, I think my blog is going to go on hold....for now anyway...

Happy Birthday to Me :o)

Today is the day.  Yep it's my birthday.....40 yrs young.  You now have permission to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I feel the same as I did yesterday and the day before that.  I look in the mirror and other than the strands of grey hairs that I have I don't think I look that old.  I'm really not sure what 40 is supposed to look like.  It's more weird to think about. It doesn't upset me, or  make me feel old.  How am I celebrating?  Well on Saturday my husband and I went to dinner and a movie.  Now I'm not a huge movie watcher.  But my husband really wanted to go to one (even though I didn't....he doesn't listen very well....just some of our issues, deal with it and move on, I'm pretty used to this).  It was however a night out without kids....and it was good, it was nice.  We've been married for 14 1/2yrs, but we've never "dated" much....so it's always a little quiet...awkward..I don't have the right word for it.  Today I've just relaxed.  The kids have cleaned the house....I allowed my son to drive his dad to the store to get whatever supplies are needed for dinner and cake.  Right now, they are on their second trip....that's what happens when you leave going to the store to boys ;o).  I made sure my daughter accompanied them the second time.  When they asked me what I wanted for dinner.  My answer....whatever you want to make me....if you want to buy pizzas I'm totally ok with it.  Let's be honest as long as they clean it up...it really doesn't matter.  I've been spoiled by friends....and I asked earlier on FB for people to tell me how we met.   And if you know me and have any memories at all that you want to share about our friendship...I would love to hear them.  All in all it's been a good day.... Happy Birthday to me... Now I'm going to cuddle up with my little guy and watch some more of the Olympics and let everyone else do all the work.

Serenity Now....

OK I admit it, sometimes I can be a little bit difficult, complicated, ornery....I'm sure there's a lot of adjectives that would fit.  That is, as much as I like to think I'm a patient, understanding....go with the flow....don't let too many things get to me kind of person, sometimes....when everything happens at once and the planets align just right, I turn into a crazy...lunatic...wench.  This week...well....life happened like it always does, but... the planets aligned just right.  And today when I went out to my backyard and I couldn't open the gate to get to the front yard, because it was locked.....Who locks their gates? I mean really, all that's back there is my garden. You want tomatoes?  Go ahead take a few.  It was my last straw for the week. So when I stormed in the house and questioned my husband, who said it was to keep the dog in the yard.  OH that explains it, I didn't realize the dog learned how to open the gate. And I said something stupid like I don't care if the dog runs away....and he said Why don't you run away...... I did. Like I can really go anywhere and do anything with absolutely no money. But I did take a long drive.

What it comes down to is that I am with my husband 24 hours a day 7 days a week...and I'm sorry but this could strain the greatest  of marriages.  We were barely hanging on to begin with.  Yes we are dealing with an awful situation where I need to be here.  My husband needs the help and my kids need me to be mom.  It is a strain mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.  Most days I don't know how I do all this....some days I don't want to and wish I didn't have to.  I'm not going to lie and say that my husband getting sick and having this horrible disease that is slowing killing him has made us closer.   We have resolved things.  I love him because he is the father of our children. That's not going to change, he is an important part of my life.  But we still have the same issues now that we have always had.  And I still get angry with him and we still have arguments.   Mentally I can deal with all of this as long as I can get away by myself for a little bit so I can get over it.  But my body is not dealing....this last week has been so stressful that my blood pressure has been way too high and I've been having some chest pains.  Scary?  Uh....yea.   I've already changed my diet, but I need something to relax more.   I decided on my drive today that once school starts I'm going to look for a part time job.  I think Todd will be fine If I work a few hours a week.  I don't even care what it is...I just need to get away from what I'm dealing with even for a short time. 

One of the hard parts about being a caregiver, is taking care of yourself.  I know it's important to find time for myself, it's not as easy as it sounds, and I've struggled for the last 9 months to find any kind of balance.  Because of this last week it's a necessity.  I need to find time for myself....I need to find some balance.. and I understand now how very important that is.