To say that it's been a Hell of a week would be a huge understatement. It's been one of those weeks, that I question everything about my marriage. I've looked back at my life and wished I could change things..
Truth is...
...My husband screwed up royally and broke a promise he made to me years ago.
...Addiction sucks...and it felt like it was too easy for him to throw everything away.
...Maybe I was looking for an excuse to say the words I've wanted to say for so many years. Maybe I was waiting for him to screw up.
...I'm not innocent either....and when I unleashed all my anger on him, I told him I should have gotten on a plane 3 years ago when I had the chance.
...It's going to be a while before I trust anyone completely again.
...In my eyes my marriage is over, but honestly we haven't had a real husband/wife relationship....ever.
...I've always taken care of 80% of what goes on in this house....and I've hated it....but I'm used to it. I've felt like a single parent for years.
...I have a teenage son who is breaking my heart....who is making all the wrong decisions....and is following in his father's footsteps.
...I've given up for the most part on trying to parent him, because he doesn't want to listen to anyone. And because of that, he is currently sitting in the Juvenile detention center.
...I'm OK with it, because at least I know where he is. And because of that I feel like the worst parent in the world and I've failed miserably.
...I feel cheated because I should be talking to my son about graduation and what he's planning on doing next year....and instead I'm going to court with him.
...None of this is anything new, It's been stuff that has been going on for a while. Sometimes, it just hurts more than other times.
...I don't regret for a second adopting him.
...I have a hard time making decisions, which is why I never graduated from college. I would much rather have someone decide things for me.
...I hate hurting people. I think about other people's feelings maybe too much. I avoid confrontations.
...I'm incredibly stubborn, I hate asking for help, unless it's something I absolutely can't do. I like knowing I can do things myself. I like knowing I can handle it. There have been only a few times I've been so overwhelmed that I let people do things for me.
...I'm really easy going and I love having deep conversations about life and death and what goes on in our heads.
...I don't smile 24/7....but I'm not miserable 24/7 either.
...I don't know why people tell me I'm amazing.....I'm not functioning or doing anything out of the ordinary. I'm just living this crazy life that I walked into, and even though there are days that are really hard, for the most part it's not that bad.
...I love music...it can change my mood. I even love going to Junior high concerts that my kids have been in. Even when they sound awful it still can bring tears to my eyes. I love to sing....I sing with my kids all the time.
...I love to laugh and I make sure I laugh with my kids often...another great mood changer. My kids are goofy and dorky and sometimes a little nuts...and I love it. You haven't experienced life until you're driving down the freeway, the "Gangnam style" song comes on the radio the sound gets turned up....and all the kids start doing the gangnam style dance....while all the people in the cars near you are looking at you like you're crazy. These moments are the ones I live for.
...I'm doing OK....better than OK. I finally feel like I've said the things I've been feeling for too long. I'm OK with things for the most part... the rest will come with time.
...I'm a different person than I was 15 1/2 years ago... I know who I am...
...You can laugh...you can cry...or you can get angry. I would much rather be laughing than crying. I would much rather be living my life than sulking and feeling sorry for myself.
Truth is....life is going to be different from here on out....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Keeping Things Honest...Open...and Real....
I've had a million things running through my head all day, and I've felt the need to write something....anything down. Yet again our life has shifted just a little. Todd out of nowhere Wednesday afternoon felt nauseated and really sick. I thought maybe it was something he ate although for the past few weeks he's had days sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings when he has had a little bit of nausea. Wednesday night the vomiting started, continuing into the next day...blood...lots of blood...not a good sign. We are controlling it all with medication, and it means he will probably stay on hospice for now.
This week (in 4 days) also happens to be the anniversary of the day my dad died. My emotions have been in overdrive. When I lost my dad I was 17. It was sudden. There were no last good-byes or last I love yous. It floored us all and it's a day that for me is still hard to think about. I remember little details.....My mom talking on the phone to my dad's secretary.....being asked to pick up my younger sister from basketball practice at the middle school, telling myself over and over "Do NOT cry, you can't tell her", and then hearing her break down as she walked in the front door.....My brother's best friend walking in the front door...crying....and then sitting with me for what seemed like hours, although I have no idea how much time it really was, it could have been minutes.....Trying...even then to be stronger than I was capable of being. Having to go back to school, after 2 weeks, and not wanting to talk to anyone. It was uncomfortable and awkward and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it....and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. So I kept everything to myself and I cried myself to sleep every night for months.
As parents we want to keep our kids safe from all the bad things in the world. We put our little naive parental force field around them and think we can keep them inside of it. That whatever bad happens we can protect them from it with our strength a lone, that we can absorb all the pain. Don't I wish. I don't know what's worse, experiencing the sudden death of someone you love or watching someone you love deteriorate over time, watching them suffer, knowing what's coming.
When Todd got sick, we didn't really say anything to our kids, other than he's sick. And we probably had a talk about the affects of alcohol. For the most part I put up my shield. I knew what was going to happen eventually, I had researched and knew how serious it all was. They didn't need to know. When he got pneumonia and ended up in the ICU and we didn't know if he was going to make it, I had to sit down and have a conversation with my kids that I NEVER in my life wanted to have. It was hard, but I told myself from that point forward I was going to be completely honest with them. I told them exactly what was going on, I let them ask questions, and we all cried. They know what's going on now. I don't know how much it will help when the day comes that their dad isn't here. But, they know they can talk to me. And when that day comes if they don't talk to me....I will talk to them. This experience is hard for all of us. But the one thing I've learned is no matter how hard it is we keep our lines of communication...honest, open and real for their level of understanding. My youngest only understands that his daddy is very sick and my three teenagers understand....their dad is VERY sick. As parents we need to give a little credit to our kids. They understand and can handle sometimes more than we think. There are things in life my kids will have to learn on their own. But, I have learned I can't shelter them from everything. I can say I'm blessed with kids who talk, who tell me what's going on. Probably not everything....because what kid tells there parents everything. But enough that I hope I know what is going on with them. Life is hard....I don't want my kids to be scared to experience it....I want to help them find the tools to live it.
This week (in 4 days) also happens to be the anniversary of the day my dad died. My emotions have been in overdrive. When I lost my dad I was 17. It was sudden. There were no last good-byes or last I love yous. It floored us all and it's a day that for me is still hard to think about. I remember little details.....My mom talking on the phone to my dad's secretary.....being asked to pick up my younger sister from basketball practice at the middle school, telling myself over and over "Do NOT cry, you can't tell her", and then hearing her break down as she walked in the front door.....My brother's best friend walking in the front door...crying....and then sitting with me for what seemed like hours, although I have no idea how much time it really was, it could have been minutes.....Trying...even then to be stronger than I was capable of being. Having to go back to school, after 2 weeks, and not wanting to talk to anyone. It was uncomfortable and awkward and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it....and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. So I kept everything to myself and I cried myself to sleep every night for months.
As parents we want to keep our kids safe from all the bad things in the world. We put our little naive parental force field around them and think we can keep them inside of it. That whatever bad happens we can protect them from it with our strength a lone, that we can absorb all the pain. Don't I wish. I don't know what's worse, experiencing the sudden death of someone you love or watching someone you love deteriorate over time, watching them suffer, knowing what's coming.
When Todd got sick, we didn't really say anything to our kids, other than he's sick. And we probably had a talk about the affects of alcohol. For the most part I put up my shield. I knew what was going to happen eventually, I had researched and knew how serious it all was. They didn't need to know. When he got pneumonia and ended up in the ICU and we didn't know if he was going to make it, I had to sit down and have a conversation with my kids that I NEVER in my life wanted to have. It was hard, but I told myself from that point forward I was going to be completely honest with them. I told them exactly what was going on, I let them ask questions, and we all cried. They know what's going on now. I don't know how much it will help when the day comes that their dad isn't here. But, they know they can talk to me. And when that day comes if they don't talk to me....I will talk to them. This experience is hard for all of us. But the one thing I've learned is no matter how hard it is we keep our lines of communication...honest, open and real for their level of understanding. My youngest only understands that his daddy is very sick and my three teenagers understand....their dad is VERY sick. As parents we need to give a little credit to our kids. They understand and can handle sometimes more than we think. There are things in life my kids will have to learn on their own. But, I have learned I can't shelter them from everything. I can say I'm blessed with kids who talk, who tell me what's going on. Probably not everything....because what kid tells there parents everything. But enough that I hope I know what is going on with them. Life is hard....I don't want my kids to be scared to experience it....I want to help them find the tools to live it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
So....I've Been Seeing A Lot of Repeating Numbers Lately....
OK....If you didn't think I was a little "off" before, this post may or may not convince you that I am. When I say I've been seeing a lot of repeating numbers....I mean all the time. When I look at the clock...if I play a game they come up in my score...my totals at the grocery store......seriously...everywhere. Lately it has happened so often that I decided I needed to look it up. Something...somewhere in the Universe is trying to get my attention, and I just find this stuff incredibly interesting. Some of it I think is hokey and some I find completely fascinating. My repeating numbers I see all the time... 666, 555, 444, and 222. I searched and searched and finally just googled 444 because nothing else was coming up. I came up with this sight www.intuitivejournal.com. And I thought I would share a little because I thought it was kind of cool.
666... I'm starting with the one I was most scared about. This number comes up everywhere in my life, it always has. It's always bothered me. And this meaning I can live with..
666 - Your material desires are overshadowing your personal path right now. Re-evaluate what it is you think you want. Simplicity is key. You need less than you think you do to be happy. You may be asking the wrong questions of yourself.
555....I don't see this one as much, once in a while but as with the rest more so in the last few weeks.
555 - Changes are coming your way be ready to forge ahead with your plans. Be absolutely clear about what you want. Do not be afraid of changes in your life, welcome them instead. Although it may not seem like it, the change is for the better. Keep positive thoughts.
222...Same as above.
222 - The next step in the ladder, confirmation that your thoughts are aligned with truth and you should proceed with that thought.
444....This is the number that lately started...I guess weirding me out a little. Because it was one that I was seeing everyday for a few days in a row. And the reason why I finally decided I wanted to look all this up.
444 itself refers to an angelic presence surrounding you and taking comfort in the protection afforded you from the angels. Your angels are always near you, all you have to do is reach out to them with a thought, a thank you, or a wish or a prayer. No message goes unheard. You just may not get the answer in the form you expect. This may come in the form of music, a song on the radio, an Earth angel saying a specific phrase to you at just the right moment.
If you go to the website it goes into more depth about the meanings. And basically what I got out of it reaffirmed what I already know. Yes there are things I need to let go of....yes I have the ability to move forward and grasp change....and yes my angels are always around me. So there you go. I needed to do a post that wasn't too heavy. I'm heading into a week next week that is going to be hard for me on many levels. It's not just losing the support of hospice (for a while)...it is all happening on the anniversary of the day my dad died. Which isn't normally a great day for me anyway. But maybe all of the above happening in the last few weeks were just my angels saying...."Hey...we're still here and we aren't leaving you." :o)
666... I'm starting with the one I was most scared about. This number comes up everywhere in my life, it always has. It's always bothered me. And this meaning I can live with..
666 - Your material desires are overshadowing your personal path right now. Re-evaluate what it is you think you want. Simplicity is key. You need less than you think you do to be happy. You may be asking the wrong questions of yourself.
555....I don't see this one as much, once in a while but as with the rest more so in the last few weeks.
555 - Changes are coming your way be ready to forge ahead with your plans. Be absolutely clear about what you want. Do not be afraid of changes in your life, welcome them instead. Although it may not seem like it, the change is for the better. Keep positive thoughts.
222...Same as above.
222 - The next step in the ladder, confirmation that your thoughts are aligned with truth and you should proceed with that thought.
444....This is the number that lately started...I guess weirding me out a little. Because it was one that I was seeing everyday for a few days in a row. And the reason why I finally decided I wanted to look all this up.
444 itself refers to an angelic presence surrounding you and taking comfort in the protection afforded you from the angels. Your angels are always near you, all you have to do is reach out to them with a thought, a thank you, or a wish or a prayer. No message goes unheard. You just may not get the answer in the form you expect. This may come in the form of music, a song on the radio, an Earth angel saying a specific phrase to you at just the right moment.
If you go to the website it goes into more depth about the meanings. And basically what I got out of it reaffirmed what I already know. Yes there are things I need to let go of....yes I have the ability to move forward and grasp change....and yes my angels are always around me. So there you go. I needed to do a post that wasn't too heavy. I'm heading into a week next week that is going to be hard for me on many levels. It's not just losing the support of hospice (for a while)...it is all happening on the anniversary of the day my dad died. Which isn't normally a great day for me anyway. But maybe all of the above happening in the last few weeks were just my angels saying...."Hey...we're still here and we aren't leaving you." :o)
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