Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving The Way We Needed It
We've had a rough year...in case you haven't noticed. Our "normal" is ever changing, some days I just want things to stop so I can catch up a little. I'm happy and I can live with the choices I've made. I'm ready to move forward, but that doesn't mean everyone else is. I still have 4 kids, they still have a dad that is very sick....we are still figuring out how to make life "work" without making everyone miserable. About a month ago I sat down with Todd and talked to him, it was maybe a week after we had a huge fight, where I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him this year I wanted to have Thanksgiving here with just the kids. I could have gone to my mom's house...but when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I want to walk away from life for a while, I block myself off and shut people out. Not because I don't feel loved but because it's my way of trying to deal with things. The kids really didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to go anywhere, and Todd didn't have anywhere to go. So I decided, I was making Thanksgiving dinner, and I was going to give Todd a chance to have a good memory, to spend a good day with the kids, and take pictures, and have a day where I let things go. In the past year....yea it's only been a year.... I have gone from Todd being in the hospital and not knowing if he was even going to live to driving back and forth to a rehab facility that he was transferred to every day to becoming his caregiver, dealing with a 17 yr old son who decided this was the year for him to start getting into trouble, quitting my job, being in court with the 17 yr old more times than I care to think about, arguing and arguing and arguing, to finally just having enough, my mother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly passing away and my in-laws picking now...the worst possible time to start a huge family feud. I needed to stop the world for a minute....a day...and let everyone just enjoy a moment, putting up my protective bubble and blocking out the crazy going on around us. Todd and I can function as friends I get that no one understands this. It's ok, because I do. We aren't staying married, I'm not in love with him...and I have told him I'm moving on with my life. I'm honestly not expecting to start dating anytime soon (Ugh I really don't want to go through that phase of life again)....so having an ex husband living in my house albeit weird and not an ideal situation for me and not exactly what I want.....doesn't really bother me. Again I know people don't understand this....it's ok I do. And again...just because I'm ready to move on doesn't mean anyone else is. Is it worth hurting my kids and even Todd to kick him out and have to drive kids back and forth to see him. Knowing he's sick....knowing things could change with his health any given time. Every situation is different...every marriage is different...In the grand scheme of things it really is easier to keep him here to have as much time as possible with his kids, because he can't take care of them by himself....he can barely take care of himself because he has relied on me to do everything for so long. So today was a day to let everything go, I spent yesterday cooking all day, so all I had to do today was put the turkey in the oven and then warm everything up. It was a nice....relaxing....low stress day. I really am thankful that Todd and I can remain friends. I feel bad that I can't love him the way that he loves me but I still care about him. I feel awful that his family has abandoned him and I hope they can deal with that one day when he's gone. And maybe the reason I'm choosing to keep our dysfunctional family in the same house is because of the pain that his family is causing. And honestly I can't be happy if I know I'm making my kids miserable. As angry and upset as I've been in the last year....I'm learning to forgive. For me to truly move forward I have to. Not forgiving Todd keeps me chained to the past, and I can't be there anymore. So for now this is life and today turned out to be a day that we all needed. A little bit of peace...a little bit of stability and a lot to be thankful for.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
My Month of Thanks....
So everyday I've been posting what I've been thankful for.....as are a lot of people...(On FB). I've enjoyed doing it, I've had a few days I've really had to dig down deep to find something. Not because I'm not thankful for anything but because sometimes life interrupts for a brief moment and throws me off track. The past few days I've settled on complete sarcasm and because I don't want to continue in that mode. I'm going to throw everything out there in this post and skip the everyday try not to repeat things twice and sarcastic I'm in a bad mood and could care less about being thankful posts. Because I really do have a lot to be thankful for.
My kids....absolutely... My oldest who spent the last 8 days sitting in a place he really didn't want to be with a lot of time to think. When I picked him up today he gave me the biggest hug I've EVER gotten from him. And although I'm a little cautious and he still needs to prove a lot to me. I'm more hopeful today than I was yesterday that his eyes have been opened and he's ready to do something more positive with his life. My second oldest who goes above and beyond the call of duty. He's not perfect, I've told him some days I want to pick him up, turn him upside down and dunk his head in the toilet. (Pretty impossible since he's over 6 feet and growing an inch every other day it seems). He's a teenager, so I have those roll my eyes shake my head kind of days. But he has a huge heart...he helps more than is expected of him. He loves taking his little brother to Scouts and helps out at the meetings. He is goofy and funny and would do anything for his family. My daughter who Drives. Me. Crazy. She is now taller than me, by half an inch. I guess this means she has to use my makeup and wear my shoes and borrow my stuff without asking. My third teenager... We laugh together and talk about whatever she wants to talk about. She is talented and smart and funny....and thank goodness my only girl, I don't think I could handle more than one of her. My youngest....my most spoiled by a long shot, even though I swore I would NEVER spoil my youngest child. He has come leaps and bounds in school this year and is doing awesome. He makes me smile and laugh EVERY day. My little boy with a huge imagination and creativity. Who draws and writes on my walls and everything he can. (He is getting better about this).
My family...brothers, sisters, and my mom. Anyone who surrounds me and loves me despite my imperfections. I couldn't get through this life without the support of my extended family, and my Angels who are no longer here.
My friends....Near and far.... the people in my life who truly care. Those people who not only stand by me through my craziness, but even the ones who we go for years without speaking and pick right back up where we left off. Life happens to all of us, sometimes we need to take time to straighten it out. The ones who really care stick around in one way or another, silent or vocal. It's still nice to know they are there.
Life and all it's experiences....I revisited the idea of writing a book one day, because I seriously can't make this crap up. I'm NOT that creative. Some days I feel like I'm living in Crazy Town. If I even tried to describe everything that happened in the last 2 weeks, there is no way anyone would believe me. We'll just say Todd's family is completely nuts and I can't wait to legally change my name back to my maiden name end of story.
Music....For me it truly heals. It helps me get over the past, deal with the present, and dream about the future. I don't think I could ever live without it.
Love... All the different ways I've experienced it. I believe in finding that one true love..maybe I'm crazy...maybe I already found it....maybe I lost it....Maybe I won't give up finding out for sure. It's always worth trying.
For the things most of us take for granted....A roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, clothes, food, a car....everything it takes to live in comfort each day. We are truly blessed and should always be looking to see what we can do for others who are less fortunate who have been dealt a crappy hand and may just need a little help to get back up again.
Freedom... the country I live in, the people who have sacrificed so much to defend it. And at a time when I feel like our country is hurting. We need to remember "United we stand, divided we fall." The hate needs to stop.
Faith and my belief in God.... Are you kidding? I couldn't make it through this life without something to look forward to. Without knowing I will see my loved ones again one day. Without knowing He is there for me, willing to listen, and comfort me in times of need.
That despite everything, the challenges I have faced and continue to face I still can get up every morning to face them head on. Most days I have a smile on my face, and I can keep a positive attitude. Life is going to happen. It may not happen the way we want it to, and it may knock us down. I'm thankful to be able to get back up as many times as I need to. And I hope one day to be able to help others do the same.
My blog....finding my voice...It still amazes me that there are people out there who really read this. I thank you. Almost 5000 views since I started it....Holy cow...Awesome.
The point is....I'm thankful for these things every day of the year, not just this month. I am however thankful for this month of Thanksgiving, to remind myself that I truly have so much to be grateful for, even when I'm in the midst of a crap storm that seems never ending. I'm sure I've missed things...I'll save those for FB I guess, but I think I covered the major points. Take a few moments and remind yourself of all the things you are thankful for today. :o)
My kids....absolutely... My oldest who spent the last 8 days sitting in a place he really didn't want to be with a lot of time to think. When I picked him up today he gave me the biggest hug I've EVER gotten from him. And although I'm a little cautious and he still needs to prove a lot to me. I'm more hopeful today than I was yesterday that his eyes have been opened and he's ready to do something more positive with his life. My second oldest who goes above and beyond the call of duty. He's not perfect, I've told him some days I want to pick him up, turn him upside down and dunk his head in the toilet. (Pretty impossible since he's over 6 feet and growing an inch every other day it seems). He's a teenager, so I have those roll my eyes shake my head kind of days. But he has a huge heart...he helps more than is expected of him. He loves taking his little brother to Scouts and helps out at the meetings. He is goofy and funny and would do anything for his family. My daughter who Drives. Me. Crazy. She is now taller than me, by half an inch. I guess this means she has to use my makeup and wear my shoes and borrow my stuff without asking. My third teenager... We laugh together and talk about whatever she wants to talk about. She is talented and smart and funny....and thank goodness my only girl, I don't think I could handle more than one of her. My youngest....my most spoiled by a long shot, even though I swore I would NEVER spoil my youngest child. He has come leaps and bounds in school this year and is doing awesome. He makes me smile and laugh EVERY day. My little boy with a huge imagination and creativity. Who draws and writes on my walls and everything he can. (He is getting better about this).
My family...brothers, sisters, and my mom. Anyone who surrounds me and loves me despite my imperfections. I couldn't get through this life without the support of my extended family, and my Angels who are no longer here.
My friends....Near and far.... the people in my life who truly care. Those people who not only stand by me through my craziness, but even the ones who we go for years without speaking and pick right back up where we left off. Life happens to all of us, sometimes we need to take time to straighten it out. The ones who really care stick around in one way or another, silent or vocal. It's still nice to know they are there.
Life and all it's experiences....I revisited the idea of writing a book one day, because I seriously can't make this crap up. I'm NOT that creative. Some days I feel like I'm living in Crazy Town. If I even tried to describe everything that happened in the last 2 weeks, there is no way anyone would believe me. We'll just say Todd's family is completely nuts and I can't wait to legally change my name back to my maiden name end of story.
Music....For me it truly heals. It helps me get over the past, deal with the present, and dream about the future. I don't think I could ever live without it.
Love... All the different ways I've experienced it. I believe in finding that one true love..maybe I'm crazy...maybe I already found it....maybe I lost it....Maybe I won't give up finding out for sure. It's always worth trying.
For the things most of us take for granted....A roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, clothes, food, a car....everything it takes to live in comfort each day. We are truly blessed and should always be looking to see what we can do for others who are less fortunate who have been dealt a crappy hand and may just need a little help to get back up again.
Freedom... the country I live in, the people who have sacrificed so much to defend it. And at a time when I feel like our country is hurting. We need to remember "United we stand, divided we fall." The hate needs to stop.
Faith and my belief in God.... Are you kidding? I couldn't make it through this life without something to look forward to. Without knowing I will see my loved ones again one day. Without knowing He is there for me, willing to listen, and comfort me in times of need.
That despite everything, the challenges I have faced and continue to face I still can get up every morning to face them head on. Most days I have a smile on my face, and I can keep a positive attitude. Life is going to happen. It may not happen the way we want it to, and it may knock us down. I'm thankful to be able to get back up as many times as I need to. And I hope one day to be able to help others do the same.
My blog....finding my voice...It still amazes me that there are people out there who really read this. I thank you. Almost 5000 views since I started it....Holy cow...Awesome.
The point is....I'm thankful for these things every day of the year, not just this month. I am however thankful for this month of Thanksgiving, to remind myself that I truly have so much to be grateful for, even when I'm in the midst of a crap storm that seems never ending. I'm sure I've missed things...I'll save those for FB I guess, but I think I covered the major points. Take a few moments and remind yourself of all the things you are thankful for today. :o)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Believe it or Not.....I Am Happy, Truth is part 2
I'm getting the feeling that this is a hard concept for people to grasp. I have amazing friends and family who I know are worried about me. I know they care about me so much they just want me to be happy and not have to deal with all this crap anymore. And I love ALL of them for it. But I need people to listen to me, to hear me, to believe me. I'm not blowing smoke, when I say I am genuinely happy. Yes, I have a teenage son, who learned yesterday that this mom is not taking or putting up with his crap anymore. If he has to spend every other week at the detention center, so be it. It's time for him to take responsibility for his actions. Yes I have a husband who I told I want a divorce because I'm done in every way. But I'm not looking for pity or for anyone to feel bad for me or advice on what I should or should not do. Are you kidding? Be happy for me. I just took over my life, I finally got strong enough to be in charge, to have a voice, to take complete control . Jump for joy.
Truth is....
... I mourned the death of my marriage, years ago. I kept things hidden because my stubborn pride kept me from talking about divorce. There were a lot of people from the beginning who knew that this was going to happen. I wanted in every way to prove them all wrong. And dammit I tried to stick it out.
... Todd and I married to each other are toxic.....me removing myself from everything and only having responsibility for myself and my children, means we can still be friends. We've actually been best friends our whole marriage....more than being an actual married couple. Deciding that being friends is the better choice, has helped in many ways.
... I don't know that I've ever been "in love" with Todd.... I know I fell in love with another man 3years ago. I know that when that ended it was harder to deal with than my marriage falling apart. I still wish everyday when I wake up in the morning it will be the day that I get a message that says "Hey what are you doing?" I miss talking to him and laughing with him, so much some days it hurts. Do I think that will happen? The chances are pretty slim. But as much as I want to hear from him.....I don't need to hear from him to keep moving. I'm not at a stand still.
... I'm going to get on with my life....I really would like to remember what sex is like. (Sorry just being real).
... Yes Todd can be an absolute Ass....I've called him this on many...many occasions. But believe me when I tell you that I've had my moments when I've been a first class Bitch. And the select few who have witnessed this would agree with me. Not my most attractive quality and thankfully it doesn't surface very often. All I'm saying is we all have faults and I'm learning (very slowly) to stop judging.
... I have to thank Todd. All the challenges we have faced, all the crap we've been through, going through Hell and back multiple times, have helped me become the person I am today. I am glad I'm not that little girl afraid to step into the world and live my life. I have been knocked on my Ass over and over and over again...and I each time I get back up....because each time I'm a little bit stronger. You can be damn sure this girl isn't going down without a fight. Just ask my older brother who I used to have boxing matches with. Who would shake his head while I was on the ground asking me if I gave up....it wasn't ever over until the tears started. ( Just a sidenote....my dad brought boxing gloves home from the casino he worked at...we thought it was fun to have fake boxing matches. My brother is 3 years older than me and I can guarantee he never hit me very hard. ;o) )
... As sad as it was to have my Mother in Law pass away completely unexpectedly, I'm glad she went before her son. I'm hoping that her being on the other side helps when it's his time.
... I don't know where I'll be in another year or two or three or whenever. I'm kind of looking forward to the journey. New experiences, new lessons to be learned, new people to meet.
... I love being surrounded by positive energy. I have amazing people in my life, and I appreciate every single one of them.
... I hate self help books....dvds....cd's...you name it. Anytime I've heard any of these people speak I think... "Well Duh"....to me this stuff is all common sense, and I never understand why people think it is so mind blowing. Don't ever offer me any self help...anything. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know I have a lot of common sense which I think helps me in a lot of ways. I knew my marriage was crap from the beginning. But I wanted a family...I wanted the happily ever after...and I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Just because I have common sense, doesn't mean I don't make stupid decisions.
... I still get angry, I don't let it take over my life. Get angry, get it out, get over it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be miserable. I like smiling, I like helping people, and I like being happy.
... I'm thankful everyday for what I have. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my kitchen. I have 4 kids who mean the world to me. I have my health. I look around and know that things could be far worse. Yes life has been hard. It's how we deal with what we are given that makes all the difference in the world.
... I'm relieved, I feel empowered, I am in control, I am dealing with life the best most positive way that I can. I'm still going to have bad days....nobody has good days everyday...I'm not superhuman. And I'm.....Happy. Be happy for me. <3
Truth is....
... I mourned the death of my marriage, years ago. I kept things hidden because my stubborn pride kept me from talking about divorce. There were a lot of people from the beginning who knew that this was going to happen. I wanted in every way to prove them all wrong. And dammit I tried to stick it out.
... Todd and I married to each other are toxic.....me removing myself from everything and only having responsibility for myself and my children, means we can still be friends. We've actually been best friends our whole marriage....more than being an actual married couple. Deciding that being friends is the better choice, has helped in many ways.
... I don't know that I've ever been "in love" with Todd.... I know I fell in love with another man 3years ago. I know that when that ended it was harder to deal with than my marriage falling apart. I still wish everyday when I wake up in the morning it will be the day that I get a message that says "Hey what are you doing?" I miss talking to him and laughing with him, so much some days it hurts. Do I think that will happen? The chances are pretty slim. But as much as I want to hear from him.....I don't need to hear from him to keep moving. I'm not at a stand still.
... I'm going to get on with my life....I really would like to remember what sex is like. (Sorry just being real).
... Yes Todd can be an absolute Ass....I've called him this on many...many occasions. But believe me when I tell you that I've had my moments when I've been a first class Bitch. And the select few who have witnessed this would agree with me. Not my most attractive quality and thankfully it doesn't surface very often. All I'm saying is we all have faults and I'm learning (very slowly) to stop judging.
... I have to thank Todd. All the challenges we have faced, all the crap we've been through, going through Hell and back multiple times, have helped me become the person I am today. I am glad I'm not that little girl afraid to step into the world and live my life. I have been knocked on my Ass over and over and over again...and I each time I get back up....because each time I'm a little bit stronger. You can be damn sure this girl isn't going down without a fight. Just ask my older brother who I used to have boxing matches with. Who would shake his head while I was on the ground asking me if I gave up....it wasn't ever over until the tears started. ( Just a sidenote....my dad brought boxing gloves home from the casino he worked at...we thought it was fun to have fake boxing matches. My brother is 3 years older than me and I can guarantee he never hit me very hard. ;o) )
... As sad as it was to have my Mother in Law pass away completely unexpectedly, I'm glad she went before her son. I'm hoping that her being on the other side helps when it's his time.
... I don't know where I'll be in another year or two or three or whenever. I'm kind of looking forward to the journey. New experiences, new lessons to be learned, new people to meet.
... I love being surrounded by positive energy. I have amazing people in my life, and I appreciate every single one of them.
... I hate self help books....dvds....cd's...you name it. Anytime I've heard any of these people speak I think... "Well Duh"....to me this stuff is all common sense, and I never understand why people think it is so mind blowing. Don't ever offer me any self help...anything. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know I have a lot of common sense which I think helps me in a lot of ways. I knew my marriage was crap from the beginning. But I wanted a family...I wanted the happily ever after...and I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Just because I have common sense, doesn't mean I don't make stupid decisions.
... I still get angry, I don't let it take over my life. Get angry, get it out, get over it. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be miserable. I like smiling, I like helping people, and I like being happy.
... I'm thankful everyday for what I have. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my kitchen. I have 4 kids who mean the world to me. I have my health. I look around and know that things could be far worse. Yes life has been hard. It's how we deal with what we are given that makes all the difference in the world.
... I'm relieved, I feel empowered, I am in control, I am dealing with life the best most positive way that I can. I'm still going to have bad days....nobody has good days everyday...I'm not superhuman. And I'm.....Happy. Be happy for me. <3
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