Three short years ago (it seems like it could have been months ago), I was in the best shape I've been since before I got married. I wasn't down to my smallest size ever, but I was feeling amazing, and even though I was still overweight I think I looked pretty good. I got looks, and compliments, and doors held open for me with smiles. What happened over the last 3 years makes me want to vomit. One thing after another, my world coming down all around me, and I gave up on exercise. Oh sure I would still workout one day here, one day there, but nothing I would stick to. I started eating whatever crappy food I wanted....because I didn't care about much during this time....and I gained weight steadily over that 3 year period. I had months where I would try to be serious and a couple of weeks in, I was back to where I started.....Not really caring, because the overwhelming stress was too much for me and I couldn't handle it. Meanwhile, my blood pressure started to go up. I got put on medication......Oh man....seriously? What have I done to myself? I didn't take it seriously, I took it off and on when I thought about it. Major stress surrounding me everyday. Until I started having chest pains and feeling sick....and I had to go back to the doctor....who had to increase my dosage.....Shit!!! I was scared....genuinely scared. However, I still didn't do anything but take medication to control my blood pressure. I knew I needed to change my diet....get back on my elliptical, start working out again. But I put it off and put it off. Winter hit this year with a lot of snow, which brought on depression. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I hate snow.....I hate everything about it. I'll take rain any day. The cold and then the inversion that brought toxic air that shut out the sun, I couldn't take it. I resorted to staying in bed watching whatever was on tv and felt pretty good about myself if I was motivated enough to get up and take a shower. It depresses me just thinking about it.....I had to pull myself out of that routine, desperately.
Three weeks ago I started getting serious. After having chest pains again on the higher dose of meds that I was on, I took a step back and started to re-evaluate my life. I wasn't willing to leave this world by means of a heart attack and certainly not any time soon, and I wasn't going to go back for a higher dose. I can't eliminate the stress from my life, I have kids...one of which decided to drop out of school last week, and a husband....who has been battling pneumonia again (at least this time not in the hospital). He's been showing signs of encephalopathy with tremors in his hands and, slower thinking, moving etc... I thought I saw a decline in him last year.....I really had no idea what to look for. After talking to a new liver Doctor last week and him confirming he has end stage cirrhosis (which we pretty much knew 2 years ago). I started noticing more. And when he said out loud.....only 10% of people make it to 5yrs....it hit me hard. He hasn't had a Doctor say this to him and basically say "Yes you are at this stage" before. You don't really have a grasp of the reality of it until things are put in a time frame.....and even then it's still hard to grasp. So, I started working out again.....I needed to relieve some stress, I needed to block out the world. When I workout I turn on my Ipod and I turn the music up loud. I don't want to hear anything going on around me....that is my time and I enjoy it. The thing is I love to exercise, love the way it makes me feel. My stress doesn't disappear but it becomes a little more manageable....at least for a little while. I've noticed a difference in my blood pressure, just by the way I feel....and that in itself is enough to motivate me to keep going each day. I've gone back to eating healthy again, which means the whole family is eating healthy again....always a bonus. And as the weight starts to drop off, I'm feeling more like myself again. My main thing I need is to manage the stress, the weight will be an added bonus. Each week I push myself a little harder, and I keep in my head, that I have to do this, I want to be around for my kids, No I HAVE to be around for my kids. It scares me that I let the stress of everything take over my life. I can't let it go any farther. My goal this year is to get back to where I was 3 years ago.....and hopefully smaller. There's no reason I can't. No matter what happens this year it is a must that I continue this journey.....and keep my stress managed.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
I Don't Actually Hate Valentine's Day
I don't really hate Valentine's Day, I just have never gotten to celebrate it the way I think it should be celebrated. I should say, the way I've wanted to celebrate it. In fact we've never really celebrated it. Every year until maybe 4 or 5 years ago, I set myself up for disappointment. Every year I would think maybe this is the year he will actually show me how much he loves and appreciates me....it never happened. So I stopped caring. The thing is I'm a person that sees things from all sides. It doesn't mean it makes anything easier, it just means I hate it, while understanding the reasoning behind it all at the same time. I was never going to change Todd, it's something he had to do completely on his own when he wanted to. Is he the man today that I always wanted....No. Is he a different man today than the day I married him....Yes.
A couple of weeks ago Todd started to go to doctors appointments again. It's a lot of me trying to get him out of the door on time so he gets there on time. Even before he was as sick as he is now it was hard to get him anywhere on time. He runs on his own schedule sometimes.....and it pisses me off. I can't tell you how many times I've had to drive to an appointment like a frickin' race car driver going 90 miles an hour because, he takes forever to get ready. I spend a lot of time being overly frustrated, and when I'm frustrated I start rattling off about stupid crap from the past that has nothing to do with anything. And I finally had to stop myself, because a one sided argument ends up being me just wanting to punish him. He doesn't fight with me anymore, he hasn't for a long time. If I'm being completely honest, he's done nothing but try to make up for his mistakes. He loves me and he wants to make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about this lately. I keep pushing him away, because I know what opening up my heart with him means. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I love him, he gave me 4 kids. But I can't fall in love with him, I can't go down that road again. For me falling in love means I just get hurt.
So today is Valentine's Day and of course everyone is expressing how much they love their significant others and how much they do for them....etc. All I can think is Bull Shit....I call Bull Shit! I don't get it. Are there really men out there that care that much for the women in their lives, are that perfect, do that much? I guess because I've never experienced it.....I don't believe it. Really all this is jealousy....I know that....I'm sure there are millions of perfect men out there that make the women in their lives unbelievably happy....I've just never experienced it. Although nothing pisses me off more than when women proclaim how much they love their husbands and they couldn't live without them, and how much they do......then the moment they don't take the trash out or change a diaper.....they complain. And I want to scream "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE?!" Some of us would kill to have a man who helped change diapers....or take care of the kids...make dinner....clean the house....you get the picture.
Truth is I believe in true love. I think Todd could have been perfect for me. I know him more than he knows himself in a lot of ways. The problem (and this is when I hate seeing things from all sides).....he didn't have a good example of how a man should be growing up. His dad wasn't around, and let's be honest even when he was he wasn't a good example. Todd never learned how to treat a woman. It's an excuse....he never opened his eyes and listened long enough to see and hear when I was unhappy and why. If you ask him, we had the perfect marriage, he did everything right....well he would have said that until recently. Two days ago he developed an infection in his lungs....it came on so suddenly. One minute he was fine, the next he was shaking from head to toe with a fever of 104. He's been in bed sleeping a lot, feeling crappy. Today he called me over to him and wanted to hug me.....I really haven't let him get close to me until recently. As he was hugging me he kept telling me how sorry he was, that he wished we could do something today. When I said to him it didn't matter because we've never celebrated Valentine's Day, he replied it does matter, and I'm sorry that we've never done anything. ((Sigh))....I know he's trying to make things right, I just can't let my heart go there. The reality is, I let my heart soften and let him get close and he does something to make me angry again.....because even though he has changed so much since the day we met, and for the better.....he's still the same man I married. I've let him put his arms around me, lay his head on my shoulder, I even let him kiss me for the first time in 2 years.....it's not the same....it won't ever be the same. So Valentine's Day is like every other day.....except instead of just telling my kids that I love them....I give them a little heart shaped box of chocolates and a box of conversation hearts. And I hold on to the hope that one day...one day I'll get to spend a Valentine's Day the way I want to.
A couple of weeks ago Todd started to go to doctors appointments again. It's a lot of me trying to get him out of the door on time so he gets there on time. Even before he was as sick as he is now it was hard to get him anywhere on time. He runs on his own schedule sometimes.....and it pisses me off. I can't tell you how many times I've had to drive to an appointment like a frickin' race car driver going 90 miles an hour because, he takes forever to get ready. I spend a lot of time being overly frustrated, and when I'm frustrated I start rattling off about stupid crap from the past that has nothing to do with anything. And I finally had to stop myself, because a one sided argument ends up being me just wanting to punish him. He doesn't fight with me anymore, he hasn't for a long time. If I'm being completely honest, he's done nothing but try to make up for his mistakes. He loves me and he wants to make me happy. We've had a lot of conversations about this lately. I keep pushing him away, because I know what opening up my heart with him means. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I love him, he gave me 4 kids. But I can't fall in love with him, I can't go down that road again. For me falling in love means I just get hurt.
So today is Valentine's Day and of course everyone is expressing how much they love their significant others and how much they do for them....etc. All I can think is Bull Shit....I call Bull Shit! I don't get it. Are there really men out there that care that much for the women in their lives, are that perfect, do that much? I guess because I've never experienced it.....I don't believe it. Really all this is jealousy....I know that....I'm sure there are millions of perfect men out there that make the women in their lives unbelievably happy....I've just never experienced it. Although nothing pisses me off more than when women proclaim how much they love their husbands and they couldn't live without them, and how much they do......then the moment they don't take the trash out or change a diaper.....they complain. And I want to scream "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE?!" Some of us would kill to have a man who helped change diapers....or take care of the kids...make dinner....clean the house....you get the picture.
Truth is I believe in true love. I think Todd could have been perfect for me. I know him more than he knows himself in a lot of ways. The problem (and this is when I hate seeing things from all sides).....he didn't have a good example of how a man should be growing up. His dad wasn't around, and let's be honest even when he was he wasn't a good example. Todd never learned how to treat a woman. It's an excuse....he never opened his eyes and listened long enough to see and hear when I was unhappy and why. If you ask him, we had the perfect marriage, he did everything right....well he would have said that until recently. Two days ago he developed an infection in his lungs....it came on so suddenly. One minute he was fine, the next he was shaking from head to toe with a fever of 104. He's been in bed sleeping a lot, feeling crappy. Today he called me over to him and wanted to hug me.....I really haven't let him get close to me until recently. As he was hugging me he kept telling me how sorry he was, that he wished we could do something today. When I said to him it didn't matter because we've never celebrated Valentine's Day, he replied it does matter, and I'm sorry that we've never done anything. ((Sigh))....I know he's trying to make things right, I just can't let my heart go there. The reality is, I let my heart soften and let him get close and he does something to make me angry again.....because even though he has changed so much since the day we met, and for the better.....he's still the same man I married. I've let him put his arms around me, lay his head on my shoulder, I even let him kiss me for the first time in 2 years.....it's not the same....it won't ever be the same. So Valentine's Day is like every other day.....except instead of just telling my kids that I love them....I give them a little heart shaped box of chocolates and a box of conversation hearts. And I hold on to the hope that one day...one day I'll get to spend a Valentine's Day the way I want to.
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