A Little Stress Relief

Three short years ago (it seems like it could have been months ago), I was in the best shape I've been since before I got married.  I wasn't down to my smallest size ever, but I was feeling amazing, and even though I was still overweight I think I looked pretty good.   I got looks, and compliments, and doors held open for me with smiles.  What happened over the last 3 years makes me want to vomit.   One thing after another, my world coming down all around me, and I gave up on exercise.  Oh sure I would still workout one day here, one day there, but nothing I would stick to.  I started eating whatever crappy food I wanted....because I didn't care about much during this time....and I gained weight steadily over that 3 year period.    I had months where I would try to be serious and a couple of weeks in, I was back to where I started.....Not really caring, because the overwhelming stress was too much for me and I couldn't handle it.  Meanwhile, my blood pressure started to go up.  I got put on medication......Oh man....seriously?  What have I done to myself?  I didn't take it seriously, I took it off and on when I thought about it.  Major stress surrounding me everyday.  Until I started having chest pains and feeling sick....and I had to go back to the doctor....who had to increase my dosage.....Shit!!!  I was scared....genuinely scared.  However, I still didn't do anything but take medication to control my blood pressure.  I knew I needed to change my diet....get back on my elliptical, start working out again.  But I put it off and put it off.  Winter hit this year with a lot of snow, which brought on depression. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I hate snow.....I hate everything about it.  I'll take rain any day.  The cold and then the inversion that brought toxic air that shut out the sun, I couldn't take it.  I resorted to staying in bed watching whatever was on tv and felt pretty good about myself if I was motivated enough to get up and take a shower.  It depresses me just thinking about it.....I had to pull myself out of that routine, desperately. 

Three weeks ago I started getting serious.  After having chest pains again on the higher dose of meds that I was on,  I took a step back and started to re-evaluate my life.  I wasn't willing to leave this world by means of a heart attack and certainly not any time soon, and I wasn't going to go back for a higher dose.  I can't eliminate the stress from my life, I have kids...one of which decided to drop out of school last week, and a husband....who has been battling pneumonia again (at least this time not in the hospital).  He's been showing signs of encephalopathy with tremors in his hands and, slower thinking, moving etc...  I thought I saw a decline in him last year.....I really had no idea what to look for.  After talking to a new liver Doctor last week and him confirming he has end stage cirrhosis (which we pretty much knew 2 years ago). I started noticing more.  And when he said out loud.....only 10% of people make it to 5yrs....it hit me hard.  He hasn't had a Doctor say this to him and basically say "Yes you are at this stage" before.  You don't really have a grasp of the reality of it until things are put in a time frame.....and even then it's still hard to grasp.   So, I started working out again.....I needed to relieve some stress, I needed to block out the world.  When I workout I turn on my Ipod and I turn the music up loud.  I don't want to hear anything going on around me....that is my time and I enjoy it.  The thing is I love to exercise, love the way it makes me feel.  My stress doesn't disappear but it becomes a little more manageable....at least for a little while.  I've noticed a difference in my blood pressure, just by the way I feel....and that in itself is enough to motivate me to keep going each day.  I've gone back to eating healthy again, which means the whole family is eating healthy again....always a bonus.  And as the weight starts to drop off, I'm feeling more like myself again.  My main thing I need is to manage the stress, the weight will be an added bonus.  Each week I push myself a little harder, and I keep in my head, that I have to do this, I want to be around for my kids, No I HAVE to be around for my kids.  It scares me that I let the stress of everything take over my life.  I can't let it go any farther.   My goal this year is to get back to where I was 3 years ago.....and hopefully smaller.  There's no reason I can't.  No matter what happens this year it is a must that I continue this journey.....and keep my stress managed.