Because Life Still Happens...

It was a bad week last week for Todd.... 

Todd likes to get out of the house once in a while, his favorite thing to do is to go shopping and he has a lot of times when he goes out for a few hours, sometimes just to wander and look at things. Just being out for a few hours wears him completely out, and upon coming home, his body will shut down.   Wherever he sits down he will fall asleep.  It's almost like his body shuts down and his brain still wants to be awake.  These are the absolute hardest times right now.  They are times when I can't get him to cooperate.  He thinks he needs to eat instead of sleep or smoke for hours on end,  and so he falls asleep eating or in the garage smoking.  I clean up a lot of spilled food and drinks, and he has a lot of shirts and shorts with holes in them from cigarettes.  There is no arguing with him.  If you have ever had to deal with someone who is very drunk for more than a few hours, then you have an idea of what I go through.  During these times his short term memory is completely gone, he is very unsteady, lately he has had more falls than I like to think about, and he thinks he knows exactly what he needs to do, and it's exactly opposite of what he really needs to do.  Normally this lasts for maybe a day or two.  Once he lets his body fully rest....in bed, for more than 8 hours, he bounces back and he's OK again (as ok as he gets).  Last week was his worst episode so far (since he first got out of the hospital).  It lasted from Tuesday night to Saturday night.  Four days and nights of following Todd around, trying to convince him he needed to sleep.  He would get in bed for an hour and get up to go to the bathroom thinking he had slept for hours, and decide it was time to get up.  I couldn't get him out of this cycle and it was not fun.  It's a good thing I decided to take those days off of work, because there was no way, I was going to leave him with the kids to deal with what was happening.    After the first couple of days to decrease my stress a little, I made things as safe as possible and let him do what he wanted.  I knew eventually his body was going to give in.  It's almost like dealing with a toddler who doesn't want to take a nap....almost, if that toddler is 6'4 and 300 lbs.   By 6:00 Saturday  night his body and mind finally decided to work together, and thankfully while he was in bed trying to eat, he fell asleep and stayed asleep, (only getting up once for about 20 minutes), until 11:00 Sunday morning.  For the next couple of days he slept, only getting up for a couple of hours here and there.  These are the easiest times. 

We have been dealing  with this as a family for 5 1/2 years now.  Each year gets a little bit worse.  Each year, we briefly and only briefly look ahead and wonder what the next will bring.  I don't allow myself to go to that place very often.  I know my husband is going to die.  Our kids know their dad is going to die....except for our 9 year old who still only understands that daddy is sick, because he doesn't understand what death really is.  All of this gets filed away somewhere in the back of my head, and we live life day to day, because life is still happening.  I can't stand still, I can't stop time.  We are not going to sit and stare at each other and cry for days on end. We still need to live, we still need to keep moving.  There will be a time when life will stop briefly and it will be sad,  and we will take that time to grieve, but that can't be now.  We still have a 9yr old that goes on field trips to the Planetarium and I still go with him.  We have a 14yr old daughter who is in the orchestra at school and has concerts, a 16yr old son who I have been teaching to drive.  We have birthdays, and holidays.  The kids have weekends while I'm at work that they all sit on the bed in our room and watch a movie with their dad.  We have times of absolute silliness, when we laugh so hard our stomachs ache.  Even though I try not to let myself think about the future, it is still very easy for me to get lost in sadness, and it happens once in awhile, when I'm driving  and a song comes on the radio, when I'm working and letting my thoughts wander, when I'm sitting here writing a blog post and I look out into my backyard.  I'm always very honest with our kids.  We talk a lot, about what is happening now, and what is going to happen.  They know they can ask me any question, and they will get an honest answer.  When my dad died, I was 17, and I refused to talk to anyone about it.  I just wanted to be left alone, to deal with it all, and it took me a very long time to be OK.  I put up a good front for everyone around me, while I felt like I was dying on the inside.  I don't want my kids to go through that.  I'm not sure what is worse, having someone you love die suddenly....unexpectedly, or having a few years to prepare yourself for it, when it's not something you can prepare yourself for.  It is sad no matter how it happens but, right now, life is still happening all around us, everyday.  We take each day, and do what we can with it.  Some days are nonstop on the go days, some are quiet, kick back do nothing but watch tv days.  Some days are lazy, drive through the mountains taking in the beauty all around us days.  Some are easy, fun, happy and some are filled with frustration, tension, and  anger.  We take each day as it comes, because right now, even though Todd is very sick and we know our time with him gets shorter as each day passes, life is still happening and there is still plenty of it to live. 

Why I Write...

So I've had a few stressful weeks.  The fact that it is winter and the air is icky....for lack of a better word....and it's cold, doesn't help me much.  Between work and kids and taking care of  Todd, I'm worn out to the point I'm overwhelmed and I need a break.  A couple of weeks ago I decided I needed to take a few days off from work, or an emotional...mental...complete breakdown was/is going to happen in the near future.  My decision to ask for the time off, because I only have so many hours of paid time off, came after I had been sobbing while I was in the shower one night before work. That pretty much made up my mind. When I got to work that night I filled out the paper requesting the time off I needed and handed it in, only to find out a few days later my request was denied.  I sat working for a few hours until my supervisor came in and begged....I got one day in addition to my normal two days off.  I'll take it.  I had requested six days, I got three.  Not much I can do about it.   That night I was 15 minutes from being able to leave for the night, and overtime was called....my 15 minutes turned into 2 hours and 15 minutes.... Let me tell you how much that sucks.  I sat angrily working with tears rolling down my cheeks for a few minutes, before I sucked it up.  Overtime is just a normal every other night sometimes thing right now.  Some nights are just easier to stay than others, and I was already having a very bad week.  Thank goodness these weeks are not the norm.  I sail along fairly smoothly most of the time, but the emotions build up and the tears come, and I have my mom freak out moments, which also happened this past week.  It's always nice when as I'm trying to leave for work, and after asking my daughter twice to clean the kitchen, I get to the point that I'm yelling, because I want it done....now....and I open my front door to see the neighbors two houses down who obviously heard my little tantrum, and are trying to avoid looking at me.... Yea like you've never raised your voice before....right.  And breathe.....

Today is the first of my three days off and I needed to just sit down and write.  Yesterday I went to lunch with my sister-in-law who is here visiting.  We just sat and talked about what I'm dealing with and things that she is dealing with, and I didn't realize just how much I needed that.  The truth is, most of the time I feel very much alone.  I don't know anyone who has gone through what we are going through, people really don't understand it, and it makes things hard.  People tell me I'm amazing all the time.  I'm only doing what I need to do.  I'm no more amazing than you.  We are all amazing to make it through the tough times, and the "Why must I go through this, it's not fair that you are making me suffer and I hate this" times.  I have a hard time believing that there is anyone that is going to make it out of this world without having something happen to them that takes their feet out from under them....shakes them up....changes their world....and drops them on their ass.  We choose how we deal with what we are given.  We can let the things that happen and shake us up overtake us.....or we can figure out how to overcome them and learn something from them.  We all go through trials, mine are not worse than yours....just different.  I don't always deal with this stuff as well as I might come across.  There are still times (not very many anymore), that I deal with it very badly.  This is why I write.  I need to. For me it is very healing.  I try not to think about the future too much, those are usually my break down and cry moments.  Despite what you might think because of what Todd and I have been through,  I'm not looking forward to being a widow....being alone....starting again.  It makes me want to vomit.  When I forgave myself, and I forgave Todd, and I learned to let go of the things that aren't going to get resolved....I was able to open my heart up enough to love Todd, not like before. It is different now, but we are...ok.  He needs to know that I'm here for him, and I am, and we take things a day at a time, because that's all I can think about right now. And I will continue to write... to stay balanced, to sort things out, to learn from my mistakes, to vent, to stay sane and to understand that this journey was one that I needed to go on.

One Thing I Have a Hard Time With

Today was one of those days that started wrong.   Todd had an appointment at the wound clinic we go to at 10:30.  I woke him up at least 2 hours early, because I know how long it normally takes him to get ready.  Today, he sat on the side of the bed, not really being able to decide what he needed to do.  All that he needed to do was change his clothes and put his slippers on. (Yes his normal footwear most days are slippers).  We left the house at 10:40, and ended up being 25 minutes late.  Thankfully they were fine with it and still allowed him to have his appointment.  Everything is getting a little bit harder.  Since my last post Todd had another fall.  This time he was in the garage, I was asleep and I didn't hear him when he was yelling in pain.  He had fallen so hard that he skinned up both of his knees, hit his head and he has a giant....giant bruise on his stomach.  He somehow managed to get up on his own and then used his cane to pound on the walls, which woke me up, but he had no idea if anyone was even home, and that scared him.   Today he was told by the doctor he sees, that if he doesn't start listening about needing a few of his bandages changed everyday, and listening to me when I tell him it's time to change them, he will continue to risk infection.  As it is he is on an antibiotic every other month.  If that infection makes its way into the bone?  Amputation....first his toes, then his feet, then below his knees.  This is becoming a real possibility, that will also shorten his life even further.  Because of poor circulation, due to health issues and smoking, he has been dealing with these wounds on his legs for years.  The same ones, opening and closing and opening. One closes another one opens up.  It is extremely painful.   Along with all of this, his memory is getting worse.  A couple of nights ago, while I was at work, he woke up from a nap, and was completely out of it for about 30 minutes.  He didn't know where he was, what time it was, what he was doing.  These are the times it's hard for me not to be here and the responsibilities fall on our kids to make sure he is ok.  I'm pretty sure he is going to have to be on hospice again soon, but I'm waiting to get blood tests done again to see where his health really is right now.  The only thing I know for sure, is that it is going to get a lot harder than it is right now....and that sucks.

I'm kind of a facebook junkie.  When I've got nothing to do (that would be avoiding things), I turn on the computer to see what everyone is up to.  There are always political or religious discussions going on.  I like my friends, they have a huge range of personalities, political views and religious beliefs. And it's nice to see that everybody has so many completely different opinions, and I respect that.  Believe it or not....and if you've read my blog it's not that hard to believe....the thing I have the hardest time with, would be posts about alcohol.  I cringe when I see pictures of beer bottles and glasses of wine or drinks, with captions about needing to get drunk or take the edge off  or whatever.  Now, my intention is not to offend any of my friends, I'm sure I post plenty of things that bug the crap out of people.  It's just one of those things I have a hard time with.  I think what set me off today was seeing a post...something about people who don't drink alcohol have shorter lives.  Really??  Try to convince me or my husband or my children of that one.  My husband is 44 and dying because of his love for alcohol.  He drank anywhere from a 12 pack to sometimes 24 pack of beer....every single night for 11 1/2 years of our marriage....adding a bottle of rum every other day to the mix for the last year and a half that he drank.  I don't want to hear everything in moderation.....I get it.  I really do.  My husband was an alcoholic...still is, even though he doesn't drink now. He would if he could.  I don't drink, I have no desire what so ever to.  I don't like the taste of it.  I've been drunk once in my life, I threw up for half of the next day....I haven't had anything since.  That was 16 years ago.  I guess I just don't understand what's so great about it.  So although the pictures make my stomach turn a little, I scroll by them or if there's too many people posting them I just turn the computer off.  Everyone has the right to choose what they want to do, be who they want to be, take pictures of the alcoholic beverages that they are consuming.  What it really comes down to, is this, I don't want any of my friends to experience what I am right now.  Either having to watch someone die from Cirrhosis or be someone who suffers from it.....because it is a long, painful awful way to die, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and seeing pictures or advertisements on tv, or....facebook is just a painful reminder that sometime in the future, and sooner than I want to think about I'm going to be a widow and my children are going to be without a father.

And Then Sometimes, There Are Sleepless Nights...

I've been up since about 4:30 this morning, after going to sleep sometime around 1:30 and I'm pretty sure that until I get the thoughts that are in my head out, I'm not going to get any sleep.  Thursday night while I was folding laundry, Todd and I were talking.  The subject was his family, who have been pretty much non-existent for over a year now.  He is depressed (understandably).  Part of the reason is because he feels like they just don't care. The day before Thanksgiving his dad sent him a text....a text....again, the day before, inviting him and our kids to spend Thanksgiving with them.  Our oldest son and I however, regretfully were not allowed to be there.  We (Todd the kids and I), already had plans.  Todd didn't respond to his dad because... 1. He wasn't feeling well, and hadn't been for a couple of weeks, and  2. He couldn't believe his dad was really expecting him to come with only part of his family, and again wasn't feeling well enough to try and confront him about it.  Todd avoids confrontation now, even with me.  He won't argue with anyone anymore, it's just not worth it.   A few days after Thanksgiving his dad sent him another text......not happy that Todd didn't respond to him about Thanksgiving, the text said...."Well, you're either dead...or you're being rude."   Who says that?!?! Especially to their child, who has been dealing with an illness for over 5 years, that is very slowly and painfully taking away his life.  This is when I get angry, really angry.  When I say that I am happy, and balanced, it means with myself.  I'm ok with me, it helps me deal with everything that is going on around me.  Because the reality of what is going on around me is, it is not happy, or fun or pleasant all the time.  We have moments of laughter and joking around, because Todd is very witty, and funny, still, but there are a lot of quiet, sad moments, angry moments, everyday dealing with teenagers...moments.  The only difference is I've found ways to help me cope, and deal, and get through the days that are sometimes really difficult to get through. I've been thinking a lot about what to do about his funeral lately.....I don't know why, it's just in my head, and it keeps coming to me that I need to be someone that speaks at it.  Now if you know me, you know I avoid speaking in front of groups of people, I've dropped classes in college upon finding out I would have to do a presentation or a speech. It is not something I enjoy.  When we were talking on Thursday night I mentioned it to him and asked if he wanted me to.  He responded with, "Of course I want you to."  When I asked him why, he said, "Because, you are the only one in this world that really knows me."   Not one person in his family has called to check on him, not one person in his family called to wish him Merry Christmas....or Happy New Year.  The problem solver in me and the person that feels like I have to fix everything is screaming to do something, because it's killing me that there is so much miscommunication and misunderstanding that is going on.  Why....after 5 years do these people just not get it? I've explained, they've researched things....and even after they have seen his decline....and it is a huge decline....they are still in denial.  And they are hurting him far more than they realize.  I can't step in, because his family hates me.  His dad has called me a wolf in sheep's clothing.  All because I will stand up to him now, and he knows where I stand.  I have no idea how things are going to go with his family and I don't like it.  Thursday night while I was sleeping, the whole night I was dreaming about his family, calling me names, yelling at me....the whole night.  I woke up a couple of times, they were still there when I fell back to sleep.  I was so tired Friday morning, that after I got kids to school, I came home and fell asleep, and there they were again. Last night, I had too many thoughts going through my head about all of this.  When I woke up at 4:30 this morning Todd was sitting on the side of the bed sleeping. This is something I'm just used to.  When I woke him up and tried to get him to lay down, he insisted he needed to get up.  I can't argue with him about it. I won't win, and it only makes me crazy, so I close my eyes, say a little prayer, and  I let him get up, I watched him sleepily wander out of the bedroom. About 15 minutes later I heard a thud, and I jumped out of bed.  He was sitting on the floor at the bottom of our first set of stairs....he missed the last step. He was fine, not hurt, but the what if's start racing through my mind.  When I looked at his feet, he had one shoe on and one slipper on....both on the wrong feet.  This...is....hard...  He has had at least a handful of falls in the last 2 months. One happened in the middle of the night, in our bedroom, waking me from a deep sleep.  I must have had a ton of adrenaline running through me, because when I had gone to bed that night I could barely move, my back hurt so much, but when I heard the crash I woke up and jumped out of bed like I was part ninja. This....is....hard... but I'm here and I'm doing this, and dealing with this on my own, because I am the only person that will.  His family is the one problem, I don't have a solution for.  They are my stumbling block when it comes to forgiveness.   I know they blame me now for a lot of things and I know when Todd is no longer here, they are going to blame me for a lot of things, but I know it will only be, to make themselves feel better.  I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can fix this.....and I'm not sure where I was going with this post other than needing to get was I was thinking about out of my head so I can try to get some sleep today.  It's 9am the kids are waking up, and I'm going to attempt to get a couple of more hours of sleep. 

2013... A Year of Discovery

I was looking back through my posts for the year, I don't usually go back and read anything and most times I forget what I write about.  Let's be honest I forget most of what I've done in the last few months.  So if you read often and I repeat myself....well, that's why. Overall this was a really good year.  Yes there have been hard times and things that have happened that weren't great.  I still deal with many of the same issues I've always had to deal with.  Work, money, kids, sick husband, doctors appointments, paying for prescriptions, and bills....and on and on and on....  I can either let it all weigh me down or I can pull up my big girl pants and figure out how to make it all work.  This was a year of making things work.  It was a year of making big decisions, letting things go, forgiving myself, forgiving my husband, realizing it's ok to admit I do kind of love him....because I do, in a way I'm not sure I can explain, and overall finding balance, peace, really real happiness.  Realizing that my life doesn't have to be perfect, or close to perfect and sometimes really far from perfect....for me to keep that balance, and be OK.  I still have days of overwhelming stress, and not very pretty moments.  Days of very little sleep and too many things happening at once.  Days that I say to heck with everything.  I don't focus on them and let them take over my life.  I have a bad day, or two....and move on.  I can honestly say I am happy with who I am, probably for the first time ever in my life.  I have no resolutions for this new year.  I believe we always should be learning and growing and improving on who we are.  I don't want to start the year off with a list of things I intend to do and then feel bad at the end of the year if I didn't accomplish them.  I would rather sit down at the end of the year and look back at the things I learned, and accomplished, because I was simply living life. In the past I was a list maker, and it didn't get me very far.  Maybe it works for other people, it just doesn't for me. This year I lost 55 pounds and I've managed to keep that weight off, even through the stress of the holidays.  This year in my journey of discovery I finally decided what I want to do when I grow up, well at least what I plan on going back to school to study.  Originally when I decided I was going to go back to school, I thought I would go into nursing. I could really do this....and I would do very well, but my heart isn't there.  The past month I've been pulled in a different direction.  When I was in college....just a few years ago ;)..... I was studying Psychology.  I have loved taking these classes ever since I was a senior in high school and I was in my very first class. (I think it was my senior year...oh my memory).   The problem was, I wasn't serious about school, and I was wasting time until I got married and could live happily ever after.  Really what it was, was that I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I got into the upper level classes and I felt like I didn't have enough life experience to be there.  Every person that I came across in those classes had major things that they had experienced, and I sat in a class one day thinking...."I'm not messed up enough to be in this class, " (I seriously remember thinking that), and I dropped it.   Now that I look back, it was kind of like the people who were in there, were there for therapy, looking for their own answers.   I'm not going back to school to study Psychology again for therapy....good grief that would be stupid. I'm going back to study something I love, and to figure out what I can do with a Psychology degree and have a career that will make me happy.  I'm fine with my job, I'll work there while I go to school, because let's face it, this is going to take a while.  But, I don't want to work where I do for the rest of my life....I want to find something to do that I love.  This year I had my oldest child move out.  While our relationship is a little rocky, we are speaking, and he is learning life lessons on his own.  He needed to.  He's always been very independent and I have no doubt that he will be just fine.  Man there was just a lot that was packed into this year, but overall it was good.....really good. 

I also had fun things that I discovered this year too.   I listen to a lot of books while I'm at work.  I love getting suggestions, but, I can only listen to what is available at the library, which doesn't have everything, and I hate waiting on lists to check something out if they have something that I want to read that is really popular.  Every once in a while I get lucky, and I find one that I've always wanted to read, or I find one I've never heard of that I love.  I sometimes listen to anywhere from 2 to 5 books in a week, depending on the length of the book. There are too many to remember that I like, but I have 8 that have stuck in my mind from this year for one reason or another that I love.  I've loved them all equally. 

1. Life of Pi  by Yann Martel
2. The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom
3. The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd
4. The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
5. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
6. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
7. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
8. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (Ok not the first time I read it, but the last time was in high school)


And then these things that I found that I can't live without.....seriously I don't think I can live without them.  My hair is baby fine, and straighter than straight. Without a perm (and I'm never doing that ever again), my hair doesn't really hold any kind of curl, and it can be full of static....which is awesome, having hair stuck to my face.  And it likes to fall out....everywhere. I went for years putting my hair in a pony tail because I couldn't find anything that worked the way I needed it to.  I can wear my hair down now with almost no hairspray and I'm not finding strands of hair everywhere anymore. I still pull it back in a ponytail sometime during my day/night but, I like it up.  It's still straight and I can't style it much, but I like it better.  Eyelashes that don't like to stay curled?  Cover girl  24 hour lash blast....seriously. Burt's Bees, because I just love this stuff, and the almond milk beeswax hand creme....awesome on my hands that get really dry and cracked and hurt during the winter....not this winter.

And that's my year.... and we'll just have to see what happens in 2014.