So I've had a few stressful weeks. The fact that it is winter and the air is icky....for lack of a better word....and it's cold, doesn't help me much. Between work and kids and taking care of Todd, I'm worn out to the point I'm overwhelmed and I need a break. A couple of weeks ago I decided I needed to take a few days off from work, or an emotional...mental...complete breakdown was/is going to happen in the near future. My decision to ask for the time off, because I only have so many hours of paid time off, came after I had been sobbing while I was in the shower one night before work. That pretty much made up my mind. When I got to work that night I filled out the paper requesting the time off I needed and handed it in, only to find out a few days later my request was denied. I sat working for a few hours until my supervisor came in and begged....I got one day in addition to my normal two days off. I'll take it. I had requested six days, I got three. Not much I can do about it. That night I was 15 minutes from being able to leave for the night, and overtime was called....my 15 minutes turned into 2 hours and 15 minutes.... Let me tell you how much that sucks. I sat angrily working with tears rolling down my cheeks for a few minutes, before I sucked it up. Overtime is just a normal every other night sometimes thing right now. Some nights are just easier to stay than others, and I was already having a very bad week. Thank goodness these weeks are not the norm. I sail along fairly smoothly most of the time, but the emotions build up and the tears come, and I have my mom freak out moments, which also happened this past week. It's always nice when as I'm trying to leave for work, and after asking my daughter twice to clean the kitchen, I get to the point that I'm yelling, because I want it done....now....and I open my front door to see the neighbors two houses down who obviously heard my little tantrum, and are trying to avoid looking at me.... Yea like you've never raised your voice before....right. And breathe.....
Today is the first of my three days off and I needed to just sit down and write. Yesterday I went to lunch with my sister-in-law who is here visiting. We just sat and talked about what I'm dealing with and things that she is dealing with, and I didn't realize just how much I needed that. The truth is, most of the time I feel very much alone. I don't know anyone who has gone through what we are going through, people really don't understand it, and it makes things hard. People tell me I'm amazing all the time. I'm only doing what I need to do. I'm no more amazing than you. We are all amazing to make it through the tough times, and the "Why must I go through this, it's not fair that you are making me suffer and I hate this" times. I have a hard time believing that there is anyone that is going to make it out of this world without having something happen to them that takes their feet out from under them....shakes them up....changes their world....and drops them on their ass. We choose how we deal with what we are given. We can let the things that happen and shake us up overtake us.....or we can figure out how to overcome them and learn something from them. We all go through trials, mine are not worse than yours....just different. I don't always deal with this stuff as well as I might come across. There are still times (not very many anymore), that I deal with it very badly. This is why I write. I need to. For me it is very healing. I try not to think about the future too much, those are usually my break down and cry moments. Despite what you might think because of what Todd and I have been through, I'm not looking forward to being a widow....being alone....starting again. It makes me want to vomit. When I forgave myself, and I forgave Todd, and I learned to let go of the things that aren't going to get resolved....I was able to open my heart up enough to love Todd, not like before. It is different now, but we are...ok. He needs to know that I'm here for him, and I am, and we take things a day at a time, because that's all I can think about right now. And I will continue to write... to stay balanced, to sort things out, to learn from my mistakes, to vent, to stay sane and to understand that this journey was one that I needed to go on.
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