Laughter and Sarcasm

Ahhh....another week....another trip to the ER.  This time with a bonus admit and overnight stay.   So....because the husband has low blood platelets, due to the Cirrhosis.....blah..blah...blah, anytime there is bleeding and it's more than just a little bit, I start questioning what we should do.  Having extremely low blood platelets, means that he could potentially be at risk for bleeding to death.  This time it was too late to call the doctor.  So back and forth in my head it went....Do I take him to the hospital?  Do I wait until tomorrow?  Do I just not worry about it?  We've been through bad bleeding episodes before...I'll spare you the details....you don't want the visual.  This was not on the excessively bad scale, but it was more than a little bit.  I had 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work, so not the greatest timing and I had to make a decision.  Obviously we ended up at the ER....after a rectal exam (sorry, trust me it was worse for him), the ER doctor determined he needed to be admitted, to find the source of the bleeding.  But....there were  no beds left at the hospital....  Have you started to understand yet why I choose to laugh at my life now?  I could easily get pissed off rant and rave, throw a tantrum...this works for no one...get over it.  We've only started the story, hang in there.  Todd was being a little bit ornery....he was in pain,  he wanted something done, he just had a rectal exam, found out that not only were they NOT letting him go home, he was NOT allowed to go out into the parking lot and smoke, and he was getting transported to another hospital.  While he was in the bathroom before being transported, I was talking to the ER Doc,  I didn't have to tell her anything for her to figure out our marriage.  Alcoholic with a history of drug abuse.... She just shook her head and said, "You've seen it all, you've managed to get through it all, you're now having to deal with all this, and you have an unbelievably good attitude, with a smile on your face.  How in the world do you deal with all of this?"  I still don't understand this question from people....I really don't.   Yes my husband was/is an alcoholic...he was never physically abusive, not once has he ever laid a finger on me in anger, not once....maybe that made it easier.  I just looked at her shrugged my shoulders and said, "I just learned how to deal with it, because I had to, it's not really a choice." You either deal or you don't. What good does it do for you or everyone else involved if you don't deal with it?  I could easily curl up in a ball and be pissed off at the world, and be an all around miserable person every day of the week.....disclaimer...trust me I have plenty of days I get angry and pissed off, I don't hold these feelings in. Would you want to be around me if I was like this?  I wouldn't even want to be around myself.   Back to the story...On to hospital #2  which is in Salt Lake City.  It was about a 30 minute drive for me....Todd was in an ambulance....I drove slow and took the long way....Come on, knowing he wasn't in immediate danger....You would too.  I knew it was going to be a long night looking like he was going to have an EGD (a scope down his esophagus) in the morning.  There was no need to rush getting there, and although he never stayed once with me when I was in the hospital having babies, I know how much he hates being there, and how much I needed somebody to stay with me when I was in the hospital all alone.  Yes...I should make him stay there alone....I can't do it, that's not the kind of person I am. By the time I got to the hospital Todd was asleep, thank goodness, I'll be honest he isn't the funnest patient, unless he's cracking jokes.  I settled into the closet sized room that fit his bed and barely fit the chair I was sitting in and spent all night looking at and posting pictures on Instagram.....angelahhamilton if you ever want to follow along....sorry back to the story...again.  About 1 am doctor #1 came in.  He would be  the cute on call doctor that came back to talk to me 3 or 4 different times while Todd was sleeping during the night. No problem, he kept filling me in on what was going on, and then we would just talk for a few minutes.  He was my favorite, he had a great smile and kind eyes.  Further on in the morning came doctor #2 who told me she was waiting on doctor #3 but she felt it wasn't even necessary that I had brought him in and ordered vitamins....yes I said vitamins for him to take.  I can't wait to see the bill and see how much those magic vitamins are going to cost me,  #2 earned her number.  side note...I started numbering the doctors, to 1..keep track...and 2. because I suddenly started feeling like I was in an episode of "House".  One of my favorite shows, however, my husband does not have a mysterious disease that 4 different doctors need to discuss and figure out....Around 1pmish #3 came in and felt an EGD was needed.  2pm #2 came back and had blood drawn to determine what his ammonia levels where....Okay.  By 4:00pm Tuesday afternoon I finally talked to doctor #4 (We'll call him the boss man), who determined, that it was necessary to bring him in and have him admitted, because of his condition and his history....however....he was going to send Todd home with an order to follow up with his doctor to schedule a time for a colonoscopy.  By the time doctor #5 came in to tell us he was being discharged, almost an hour and a half later, and he may need to see a neurologist....I just looked at her and said, "Yea....I'm kind of done with doctors for today...I'll revisit that suggestion in a few weeks." She turned around said...ok...and walked out the door.  I guess she didn't find me very funny...admittedly my patience was pretty much gone by then.  24 hours....2 hospitals...and 6 doctors later, they determined the bleeding was no big deal.  NOW....do you see why I choose to laugh?  I HAVE to.....because this kind of stuff threatens to drive me insane.  Although admittedly I probably passed sane long ago.  Having to be a caregiver to someone who is sick, is not easy, it is not fun, and I have days where walking away from it all seems like a really great choice.   For the person that is sick....well....if it's terminal?  Yea they're dying....you know it sucks for them.   Why do I choose to laugh and be incredibly sarcastic....because if you haven't figured it out yet I totally am?  Not because this stuff is funny, and not because I'm trying to cover up the fact that it is happening.  I bring humor into all of this, because it helps me, it helps my husband and it helps our children to not dwell on what is happening.  Trust me there are enough crappy moments, they don't all need to be crappy.  Finding things to keep us entertained while sitting in a hospital room that looks directly out into a construction area....is a must....I must find things to laugh about.  I tell the nurses thank you and that I appreciate what they are doing every time they walk out of the room with a smile on my face. Believe me when I say I am ok.....I am.  Believe me when I tell you I have days that are definite "Leave me the Hell alone" days.  However, I NEVER want to be that person that everyone feels sorry for.  Do NOT feel sorry for me....don't.  Do NOT feel bad for me....ever.  Ask me how I'm doing every once in a while, but don't make me feel like what I'm doing is all I am.  Yes I carry a lot on my shoulders....yes I need to learn to let some things go, but I don't feel sorry for myself.  I have my coping mechanisms....laughter and sarcasm, and they help me out, just as much as the great friends and family I have that surround me.  It's alright to find something to laugh about today.....really....I promise you will feel so much better. 

Finding My Happy Places...

It's been kind of a crazy week.  Sunday night my husband started feeling sick, by Monday morning he was coughing up a little bit of blood.  Now, I know things like this should make me panic, but this is what happens when for 5 1/2 years you've been taking care of somebody and you see the same things over and over.    Although it means there is something wrong, there wasn't a huge amount of blood, so I decided I would just keep an eye on him for the day.  Tuesday....I called his doctor.  They basically said what I was feeling,  It's not a lot, but, because of his history we want him to go get checked out.  So Tuesday we headed to the ER.  After blood was drawn and a chest x-ray done, it was determined that it was probably pneumonia.  He got some antibiotics in an IV and a prescription for me to pick up the next day, and we headed home, fell into bed and got up the next morning to go back to the hospital for his routine ultrasound on his liver....that was already scheduled that I refused to reschedule.  These are results I hate waiting for, so I try not to think about it.  Being high risk for cancer means we just never know.  Today....we were supposed to go back again for his weekly visit to the wound clinic to get bandages changed.....I ended up sleeping in until 10:30....Yep 2 of my kids didn't make it to school today, and we missed his appointment.  Days like this, I say....I obviously needed the sleep.  I know our house at times can get a little stressful.  I know when dad has to go to the hospital, even if I'm not that worried about the reason, our kids still worry.  So if we have a week that may have been a little stressful and a day when the kids sleep in and I sleep in, I take it as a sign that it was a needed mental health day.   When I got out of bed, I walked to my daughters room, told her to get up and get dressed, did the same with my son.....they were both already awake...and we drove down to the park and walked on the path that goes around it a few times.  Not so much for exercise....although it was a good walk....but more because I needed the sunshine.  I needed to soak it all in and recharge my batteries.  Sometimes that's all it takes. 

Life is hard....life is stressful....life is at times overwhelming, not just for me, for everyone.  For a very long time, I allowed myself to be miserable....yes, I allowed myself.  Why?  Well, because for a long time I resigned myself to believing that life sucked....it was never going to get better....I hated everything because it wasn't how I wanted it.  I put on my happy face for the world, never told anyone what I was dealing with, and going through, and pretended that everything was right in my world.  Behind closed doors, I cried a lot and argued with my husband, avoided people as much as possible, and let the stress of life tear me apart....and I. Was. Miserable.  Some may say it was depression....I say no.  For me it was making choices that during that time I regretted and couldn't admit to because I didn't want hear everyone in my life saying, "I told you so."   That was the last thing I wanted or needed to hear. 

One day I woke up and I was sick of listening to myself whine.  I looked at my life and thought it was nothing but drama.....and holy crap there is nothing I hate more than drama.  The last thing I ever want, is for anyone to feel sorry for me.....EVER!  So I started finding my happy places....we all need them.  Even on the days when it feels like nothing is going to make me smile there is always something that makes me smile.   When people see me smiling now, I can tell you it is a genuine smile, because I enjoy making other people smile.  We are going through some crappy, stressful stuff in our family.  Not everyday is a fun day, but it is important for me to stay grounded to find my happy places so I don't lose myself in misery.  Life is going to go on no matter what.  How I choose to live my life, will determine how I get through every day, whether it's a great day.....or a shit day.  I have a lot of happy places....well events or things that can pull me immediately out of a bad place in my head.   Listening to my kids laughing hysterically.  Music....singing, dancing....letting it just take over.   Spring, Sunshine, flowers, working in my garden.   Going for a walk or working out.  Talking to my best friend for hours.  Going to lunch with friends or my mom and sisters and just talking.  Listening to three teenage boys that I pick up from school every afternoon talk about girls and driving and games they play on the computer...and just kind of laughing/ smiling to myself. Going for long drives and just letting my thoughts wander. Having a stranger hold a door open for me, looking at them and smiling and saying thank you, and seeing them smile back.  Really all my happy place is, is finding something everyday that makes me smile or laugh.  That time when I was miserable because I regretted decisions I made, makes me sad to think about.  I missed out on a lot of life.  Now I look back over my life and say... "Wow.....Look at how much I have learned".  Regrets....no....not one.....they are all lessons learned that have made me the person I am today.   With all the bad things that go on in the world, and in our own lives, we still need to remember there are reasons to smile....everyday....and we need to realize that's ok.  Find your happy places....smile more...a very simple thing, that I allowed to be difficult for too many years.