It's been kind of a crazy week. Sunday night my husband started feeling sick, by Monday morning he was coughing up a little bit of blood. Now, I know things like this should make me panic, but this is what happens when for 5 1/2 years you've been taking care of somebody and you see the same things over and over. Although it means there is something wrong, there wasn't a huge amount of blood, so I decided I would just keep an eye on him for the day. Tuesday....I called his doctor. They basically said what I was feeling, It's not a lot, but, because of his history we want him to go get checked out. So Tuesday we headed to the ER. After blood was drawn and a chest x-ray done, it was determined that it was probably pneumonia. He got some antibiotics in an IV and a prescription for me to pick up the next day, and we headed home, fell into bed and got up the next morning to go back to the hospital for his routine ultrasound on his liver....that was already scheduled that I refused to reschedule. These are results I hate waiting for, so I try not to think about it. Being high risk for cancer means we just never know. Today....we were supposed to go back again for his weekly visit to the wound clinic to get bandages changed.....I ended up sleeping in until 10:30....Yep 2 of my kids didn't make it to school today, and we missed his appointment. Days like this, I say....I obviously needed the sleep. I know our house at times can get a little stressful. I know when dad has to go to the hospital, even if I'm not that worried about the reason, our kids still worry. So if we have a week that may have been a little stressful and a day when the kids sleep in and I sleep in, I take it as a sign that it was a needed mental health day. When I got out of bed, I walked to my daughters room, told her to get up and get dressed, did the same with my son.....they were both already awake...and we drove down to the park and walked on the path that goes around it a few times. Not so much for exercise....although it was a good walk....but more because I needed the sunshine. I needed to soak it all in and recharge my batteries. Sometimes that's all it takes.
Life is hard....life is stressful....life is at times overwhelming, not just for me, for everyone. For a very long time, I allowed myself to be miserable....yes, I allowed myself. Why? Well, because for a long time I resigned myself to believing that life sucked....it was never going to get better....I hated everything because it wasn't how I wanted it. I put on my happy face for the world, never told anyone what I was dealing with, and going through, and pretended that everything was right in my world. Behind closed doors, I cried a lot and argued with my husband, avoided people as much as possible, and let the stress of life tear me apart....and I. Was. Miserable. Some may say it was depression....I say no. For me it was making choices that during that time I regretted and couldn't admit to because I didn't want hear everyone in my life saying, "I told you so." That was the last thing I wanted or needed to hear.
One day I woke up and I was sick of listening to myself whine. I looked at my life and thought it was nothing but drama.....and holy crap there is nothing I hate more than drama. The last thing I ever want, is for anyone to feel sorry for me.....EVER! So I started finding my happy places....we all need them. Even on the days when it feels like nothing is going to make me smile there is always something that makes me smile. When people see me smiling now, I can tell you it is a genuine smile, because I enjoy making other people smile. We are going through some crappy, stressful stuff in our family. Not everyday is a fun day, but it is important for me to stay grounded to find my happy places so I don't lose myself in misery. Life is going to go on no matter what. How I choose to live my life, will determine how I get through every day, whether it's a great day.....or a shit day. I have a lot of happy places....well events or things that can pull me immediately out of a bad place in my head. Listening to my kids laughing hysterically. Music....singing, dancing....letting it just take over. Spring, Sunshine, flowers, working in my garden. Going for a walk or working out. Talking to my best friend for hours. Going to lunch with friends or my mom and sisters and just talking. Listening to three teenage boys that I pick up from school every afternoon talk about girls and driving and games they play on the computer...and just kind of laughing/ smiling to myself. Going for long drives and just letting my thoughts wander. Having a stranger hold a door open for me, looking at them and smiling and saying thank you, and seeing them smile back. Really all my happy place is, is finding something everyday that makes me smile or laugh. That time when I was miserable because I regretted decisions I made, makes me sad to think about. I missed out on a lot of life. Now I look back over my life and say... "Wow.....Look at how much I have learned". Regrets....no....not one.....they are all lessons learned that have made me the person I am today. With all the bad things that go on in the world, and in our own lives, we still need to remember there are reasons to smile....everyday....and we need to realize that's ok. Find your happy places....smile more...a very simple thing, that I allowed to be difficult for too many years.
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