Just Trying to Keep On....Keepin' On

So after spending four hours on a post that I couldn't make work....walking away for a couple of hours...and deleting it...I'm going to attempt something completely different.  It was a fluff post anyway, avoiding what I need to get out of my head.  I haven't even looked at my blog since my last post.  I've been dealing with a lot of frustrations. Todd's last doctors appointment was...frustrating.  I got absolutely no answers...a shrug of the shoulders...a I don't know why he is sicker than his liver is...a I don't know what to tell you, this is long term...and the doctor leaving the room quickly when me staring at the ceiling wasn't enough to stop the tears anymore.  I'm so sick of crying about this....so unbelievably sick of it.  When the physicians assistant came back in the room... Todd asked him when exactly it would be ok to drive.  The PA looked at me, like he couldn't believe what he heard....I looked away.   He then looked at Todd and said, "Never...you can not drive..you should not be driving...ever."  He's come back mostly from that last episode....who knows what it was...not me, that's for damn sure. Although, his appetite is worse, he's lost almost 60 pounds and his memory is getting worse.  The problem....yea he still wants to drive.  Every...single...day for the last 2 weeks, we have argued about him driving. I am so over having this argument.  He doesn't understand his illness at all. He told me today that his illness affecting his thinking, (which he doesn't believe that it does) has nothing to do with him driving.  That doesn't even make any sense...at all.  It has everything to do with it. I've always been a very laid back, easy going...patient person. I've never in my life had anyone push my buttons like he does. I hate it....I absolutely hate the level of angry he takes me to. I'm totally going to Hell....at the very least, I'm waiting for Karma to kick my ass, for the awful things I've said in the last few weeks.  Why must he choose to have this argument when I'm half asleep? And why....seriously...can't I just walk away?  I missed my family reunion.....I MISSED my family reunion.  Upset doesn't cover it.  I needed that week away.  I can't even talk about, and I don't want to hear how fun it was.  I mean I'm glad everybody had a good time.....I just don't want to see or know what I missed.  Work wise I'm holding my breath....I am closer to a position at work that I've been hoping and waiting for, for 9 years.  I am so close... I need this, and I'm so afraid I'm sabotaging myself with how angry I've been. I'm really kind of having a stomp my foot....this is so freaking not fair kind of a month.  I'm trying so hard.....I'm not even going to talk about the fact that my 19 year old is sleeping on my couch....I can't even go there. Deep breath.... So yesterday I got up, lied to my husband (yea I know) after our daily argument and took the kids to a lake 2 hours away. I needed desperately to clear my head. It was good to just get away for a few hours.  I'm trying so hard to take care of everything...bills are getting overwhelming...prescriptions are getting more expensive, because his insurance is covering less and less each month.  I'm so off balance...and desperately need to feel centered again.   I guess that's where I'm headed with this post.... It's time to pay attention to myself again.  I've got to get back to where I was last summer before I self destruct, I think I finally hit bottom. I was able to have a few hours to really clear my head and I'm ready to get back to me, to take care of myself. To work on walking away before that anger takes over....because it just isn't me. I guess I could say I took a detour that turned into a dead end on my journey....time to turn around get back to the path I was on and get back to doing what I know works....