I Don't Need a Band Aid Everytime I Fall Down

As an adult, have you ever tripped on a curb, maybe stumbled, perhaps fallen, possibly hurting yourself...or not?  Of course you have. This happens to everyone. Some more than others. It happens to me all the time, because I happen to be a klutz. It's a little embarrassing.  Even more so if someone else happens to witness it. And maybe you walk a little faster to get away from the spot it happened before looking to see if anyone witnessed it.  For me personally it's even more humiliating if someone sees and asks, "Are you OK?" Yep....yea I'm good, just tripped on that very dangerous looking piece of paper.  It's a talent...believe me. I've learned over the years to laugh at myself. I mean, being the kind of person that can manage to park in the most ice covered spot in a parking lot, and while wearing shoes that are not so ice friendly, slip as I hastily step out of my car, causing me to desperately grab hold of my door as I slide under the car...and then having to crawl....yes crawl to a non slippery spot before I can stand...Thanking God over and over that it happened at night, and as far as I know nobody saw it happen - hopefully... I have to laugh.  Did it hurt? Yes it did. I really would have liked to just sit there and cry for a minute, but I got up, because I was going to be late for work...and it was cold, and I really just wanted to forget that it happened.  Of course my sore body the next day, reminded me that it happened. Do I laugh about it now? Sure I do. The visual is pretty damn funny.  I wouldn't want to see it on YouTube, but in my head it's hilarious. Did I learn something? Yea...I need to wear better shoes in the winter, and not get out of my car so quickly when I'm parked on ice. Then there are the times when I can't get up on my own, and I need help.  I slipped down my stairs one time (I'm kind of famous for this too....talent)...hurt my ankle really bad.  I sat at the bottom of the stairs sobbing while my kids just stared at me...because they weren't sure what to do. Mom is the one that fixes everything, she doesn't get hurt.  So they helped me to my room, got me some ice....and I called my mom, because when I truly need help...I ask for help.

I grew up in the Mormon religion, which is very service oriented. Not a bad thing at all. I grew up learning to help others, and watching my parents help others...and I love when I can do things for people and make them smile. And maybe it doesn't change their situation, but maybe it helped for just that moment. And if someone truly needs a helping hand, there should always be someone there to help them up.  I don't actually go to church anymore, and haven't for years....I have my own reasons.  I've had a hard time adjusting to living in Utah. Not that it's a bad place and I have nothing against church.  But, I moved from a place that was more diverse in religion to a place where I live in the same few blocks with every person I would attend church with, and see everyday, at my children's school and at the grocery store...and...I feel like sometimes I have no privacy. I feel like sometimes everybody knows everything, even if they don't actually know me. It can be almost suffocating.  I know I kind of sound like a jerk, but I'm a very private person with trust issues.  Because lets be honest when you get a group of women who all attend the same church and live in the same neighborhood...there is gossip...a lot of gossip. (And no I'm not saying every woman gossips) Sometimes I don't know who to trust, and I've learned over the years to only say what I don't care gets spread around the neighborhood.  I'm just being honest. I'm kind of known as a stubborn person. Probably because 99% of the time when someone asks if I need help with anything, I say no. I'm not necessarily saying no because I'm stubborn...I'm saying no because I'm not a person that is going to accept help if I truly don't need it, and 99% of the time...I really don't.  I've had people in the past say to me, "Angie...don't deny people blessings, by not allowing them to help you?" I'm sorry but what kind of messed up guilt trip is that?  I'm not going through what I'm going through, for other people to receive blessings.  Let's get that straight.  The people who have said this to me, lose a little respect in my book.  Don't go there.  Please...don't guilt me into thinking I need your help, when I'm doing perfectly fine. It also makes me extremely uncomfortable and irritated when people ask me about things that I haven't put out there into the world. I know I have children and they say things to their friends and it kind of goes from there.  It usually comes back to me a little exaggerated and not always accurate.  Recently the Bishop of our church contacted me about a couple of things going on and he said.. I heard...(sorry still not putting it out there)...is there anything we can do to help you deal with this better.  I honestly just stared at this message and thought, "What the heck?!" I didn't realize I was having a problem dealing with what's going on, because I'm not, and he was a little off on his information.  So I messaged him back, giving him the right information...even though I was a little irritated that he even knew anything and said, "I'm really just busy with work this month...we're doing fine."  I guess I just believe if you hear information from a third person, before asking if I need help, ask me if the information heard was even correct. And be prepared for me to say something like...Gosh word really gets around doesn't it?  We ended up having a good conversation, and he understood exactly what I was saying. I think there is a big misconception in the culture here that if something happens to someone that someone else immediately needs to step in and find out what's going on and try and help.  This isn't always true. Not every situation is a "What can we do to help" situation.  Everyone has different ways they deal with things. Me personally....I don't need help every time something happens in my life. Some people do...and that's fine, I'm not judging anyone for that.  I just happen to have a high threshold of "things I can handle".  I've worked my entire marriage. I never used daycare...never asked my family to watch my kids so I could work.  I worked opposite shifts from my husband - when he worked. I still took care of our kids all day, even after working all night.  When I started working nights, my youngest was only 1.  There were more than a few days that I only got an hour of sleep, before going back to work for the night. Yet I've managed to survive, funny how that works.  I had years of dealing with an alcoholic husband, and working a late enough shift at night so I could make sure everyone had dinner, homework was done, and all in bed before I left. Do you know what that's like? Years of silent prayers as I drove to work - "Please.....watch over my family tonight." I learned to survive and deal with a lot a long time ago.  Those were the hard years.  People need to understand that what I'm going through now, well it's hard, but routine.  Everyday is the same...and different. I've learned to adjust to things faster...easier.  Things happen everyday here sometimes. Do I still completely lose it and breakdown and wish I could run away from home? I absolutely do.  So I have a good cry, take a long drive in the car, pull my big girl pants up and keep on moving.  I'm just able to deal with things differently than you...and the person sitting next to you....and the person sitting next to them, because we are all different, and we all have different ways of handling life and what it throws at us. You may not understand how I'm getting through all this, but there are people I look at in complete awe, who are fighting battles that would floor me.  I am amazed at their strength and courage, and I don't always understand how they are managing to deal with it all.  We all have different battles.  We all have different trials, because we all have different ways we need to learn and grow.

I don't ever want to come across as ungrateful, and having someone imply that this week has really bothered me.  I'm actually beyond thankful for every bit of help I've received over the years.  Most recently I had two men from church come haul a bunch of stuff to the dump for me...two trips...two different days.  It took more time for them to drive it all out there and get rid of it than it did to load it in the back of the truck.  But that was a big deal for me. It was something I couldn't do on my own. Meals that were brought over, when Todd was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I spent more time running back and forth than I was ever home.  Tree limbs that were too big for me to trim....fences that have been fixed after wind storms. I could keep going. There are absolutely things I know I can't do myself. There are definitely times I need help. I may be a little stubborn about it, but I'm still going to ask or accept it if it's offered.  When my kids were little and they would fall down, I would wait for a second to see how serious it was, based on what they did next. Sometimes they bounced right back up, continued on like nothing happened.  Sometimes they would wait for a beat and I could tell it probably hurt a little, and I would ask if they were OK....actually I would say something like, are you going to live? and they would get up and keep going.  Sometimes there were tears...and I would give them a hug and and we would check the spot where they got hurt and kiss it better and all was right with the world again.. And then sometimes there were lots of tears, and blood and band aids needed and on a couple of occasions stitches or a cast.  And lots of hugs and extra kisses and extra time spent making sure everything was alright.  This is how I deal with what happens in my life.  If you think I'm having an extra bad day and you bring me a diet coke...I will never refuse. I mean who doesn't like knowing that someone is thinking of them.  If something major happens that I physically can't handle on my own....I will absolutely accept any and all help with a great deal of thanks and gratitude.  The everyday stuff....I've got that covered.  Like I said everyone deals with things differently. I don't need help every time I trip on a curb...or nothing at all (it happens...whatever), and I don't need a band aid every time I fall down.  Ask me how I'm doing once in awhile, I'll tell you if you really want to know. Be my friend, that's all I really need....well that and maybe one of these years a vacation ;o)

Living in the Present

"When looking back doesn't interest you anymore, you're doing something right."

I posted this quote on my Fb page, but only after I read it, stared out the window, and thought about it for a few minutes. I realized, I've finally made it here. I certainly didn't wake up one day and say, I'm only moving forward, I'm not looking back anymore, I've forgiven the past and I'm done. HA! I wish it was that easy. I wish there weren't things from the past, that come out of nowhere and still manage to hurt me, although not so much anymore. It's taken years of pain and what I thought was forgiveness, only to realize I was nowhere near wanting to forgive, finding balance, only to have it thrown out of whack. Patience and tears, arguments, frustration, love, hate, acceptance and happiness. Most importantly finally being able to leave those moments in the past where they belong.  

So one day after being encouraged to explore another way to try and be creative, I sat down and I let these words just flow. It was like they truly jut needed to come out.  I needed to write them down and look at them and feel and understand them.  

She sits in the dark, at the top of the stairs

Uncontrollable sobs, tears that won't stop

She's tired

This is not the life she wanted, but the life she chose 

Her stubborn pride keeps her here

Her pain and secrets are hers alone 

Rocking back and forth, staring at the ceiling, she pleads for help

Feeling defeated, broken, afraid

Wondering if she still loves him

Did she ever?

Most days she hides behind a smile

Can anyone see that it doesn't quite reach her eyes?

Do they care? 

She doesn't understand that this moment is one of many that will not break her completely 

It is one that will help her become her future self

She won't see that for years

Right now...she is tired

She sits in the dark, at the top of the stairs 

No more tears, she's done crying tonight

She sits in silence, not thinking just listening 

She hears only the quiet of the night, before picking herself up

And starting again.

This isn't just a representation of how I felt many times over the years, but also an actual moment in my life. I wrote this and then sat and cried, because every feeling I had on that night, came crashing over me. Alone, scared, angry, no one to talk to, because I couldn't admit...wouldn't admit what I was going through. Every feeling I had that night, came from years of hiding...everything. Psychological/ emotional abuse is easy to hide, if you know how to smile right. 

This is also where I know I've turned a massive corner. I needed to confront that night. I needed to face all the ugliness of the past and stop calling myself stupid for the decisions I made. Yes, my life could have gone in a completely different direction, if I had just made other choices, but I didn't, and living in the past doesn't work for me anymore. Saying "if only" and "if I just would have" ...doesn't work for me anymore. I am fully in the present, doing what I need to do to have a healthy future. My kids love their dad...and so they should. The memories they form now are important. Letting them have this time is important. Life is different, it's by no means easier, but, it's different.  And even though I have frustrating days, as a caregiver, I'm actually doing really well.  My scars are part of my past, they are part of me. I am who I am because of everything I've been through. And every moment I have that puts a genuine smile on my face, heals those scars a little more. I had a lot of days, months possibly years, where I don't really remember laughing or really genuinely smiling. Maybe I did, I just have no specific memories, other than loving my kids and doing my best to raise them. So to say I'm happy now, to say I have no interest in looking back is a pretty big thing. A really...good...thing. :o)

You Don't Really Know Me.....Do You...

I know it's been awhile but I've had a lot going through my head lately.  So... This post hit me as I was sitting in my car, having a discussion with Todd.  He wanted to stop at the garden center on the way home from his appointment. I told him I would drop him off, because I didn't have two hours, (average Todd time) to just sit in my car waiting for him. He asked why I couldn't just come in and look around.   And this is where I look at him with an "Are you serious?" look on my face.  Even if I'm at a place I love, like the garden center, if I haven't planned to go, don't have the money, any number of reasons... I can't do it. If it's my time by myself, that's one thing. If I can't walk out that door when I want to that's something entirely different. It is stressful and draining...and I can't do it. It's hard to explain... I understand that, but still I asked him, "How is it possible that we've been married for 17 years, and you still don't get it, you still don't know this about me?"  Then I started thinking about a few conversations I've had this week.  Mother's Day is this Sunday. Every year, and I'm serious, every...year, we have the same conversation. "What would you like us to do for you this year?"  Do whatever you want as long as I A. don't have to go anywhere when I wake up, B. don't have to do any dishes and C. can just stay in bed most of the day. Please... Just let me relax and be lazy. "How about we take you out to breakfast?" I'm sorry did you happen to hear anything I just said? Something about me not wanting to go anywhere? Every year people...I'm not kidding you...and 3 times in the last week. I would like my children to bring me breakfast in bed...period. That's all I'm asking for. A quiet, relaxing, lazy day with my kids or by myself. That's it, perfect day.

Now we've had plenty of arguments where I've told him he doesn't know me, as I storm out of the room or house or whatever, but this is a valid question.  We've been married 17 years, and I'm not sure he could tell you anything about my life before we met.  He's never asked. We've rarely had those kind of conversations. Funny enough I realized that, last night, talking to someone I know.  How do I even make this marriage work when I only find things out about my  husbands life/childhood when he's drunk and telling me how much he hates his dad and his family.  And we never really talk about anything at all, because by the time we are alone he's already been drinking. How do I make this marriage work when I feel like I don't even matter to him? The first and last time we went to Las Vegas together, where I was born and lived for a few years, he wouldn't even give me two hours to drive around and find the houses I lived in.  Two hours was all I wanted during the 3 days we were there....for him...to see a big monster truck show.  When we were in New Jersey for a family reunion, I barely got him to drive around my hometown, where I feel like my whole life happened, in the few years I lived there. He didn't care about the schools I went to, the Linwood Market that was just a corner store that my friends and I went to all the time, the bike path I'd ridden on a million times, the swings at the park where I sat with my best friend, my home where I grew up.  None of it mattered. If he loves me, why doesn't my life matter? How do you make a marriage work, when you feel like you are nothing to the other person? Well you don't. How can he possibly love me, when he didn't even try to know me? When all he knows is what he wants me to be, but not who I actually am. Crazy isn't it? I'm sure it's fairly common.  Well, if you don't want to listen to me talk about my life before we met, then chances are you're not caring what I say on a daily basis, so you're not growing and learning with me and then we find we're together because....? I don't know about your marriage but this is mine and it makes for an incredibly unhappy one.

Maybe it's my own fault. I thought as long as someone told me they loved me, that was all I needed. We didn't really need to communicate because I was busy raising our children? I have kids to take care of...that's enough right? No... That's not enough.  I needed him to show me he cared about me. To make me feel like I was the most important person in his world. I don't think that's too much to ask, because I would have done the same for him. Well, we live and sometimes we learn. I can tell you in the last few years I've learned a lot about myself and life in general. I'm moving forward with my life. Doing things for myself, getting to a place mentally where I'm good.  I'm limited to what I can do, but that doesn't mean I'm completely stuck.  I'm still going to take care of him. It's ok if you think I'm completely nuts. I'm happier right now, than I've been in a very long time. That probably only makes sense to me, and I'm fine with that. I know I have people in my life who love me for me, who let me live my life whether they agree with me or not, without judgement and without trying to change who I am, and that's really all that matters.  And maybe one day he'll understand I could have been so much more, if he just would have accepted me for me, listened and gotten to know me.  Then again...maybe he won't and that's fine too.