As an adult, have you ever tripped on a curb, maybe stumbled, perhaps fallen, possibly hurting yourself...or not? Of course you have. This happens to everyone. Some more than others. It happens to me all the time, because I happen to be a klutz. It's a little embarrassing. Even more so if someone else happens to witness it. And maybe you walk a little faster to get away from the spot it happened before looking to see if anyone witnessed it. For me personally it's even more humiliating if someone sees and asks, "Are you OK?" Yep....yea I'm good, just tripped on that very dangerous looking piece of paper. It's a talent...believe me. I've learned over the years to laugh at myself. I mean, being the kind of person that can manage to park in the most ice covered spot in a parking lot, and while wearing shoes that are not so ice friendly, slip as I hastily step out of my car, causing me to desperately grab hold of my door as I slide under the car...and then having to crawl....yes crawl to a non slippery spot before I can stand...Thanking God over and over that it happened at night, and as far as I know nobody saw it happen - hopefully... I have to laugh. Did it hurt? Yes it did. I really would have liked to just sit there and cry for a minute, but I got up, because I was going to be late for work...and it was cold, and I really just wanted to forget that it happened. Of course my sore body the next day, reminded me that it happened. Do I laugh about it now? Sure I do. The visual is pretty damn funny. I wouldn't want to see it on YouTube, but in my head it's hilarious. Did I learn something? Yea...I need to wear better shoes in the winter, and not get out of my car so quickly when I'm parked on ice. Then there are the times when I can't get up on my own, and I need help. I slipped down my stairs one time (I'm kind of famous for this too....talent)...hurt my ankle really bad. I sat at the bottom of the stairs sobbing while my kids just stared at me...because they weren't sure what to do. Mom is the one that fixes everything, she doesn't get hurt. So they helped me to my room, got me some ice....and I called my mom, because when I truly need help...I ask for help.
I grew up in the Mormon religion, which is very service oriented. Not a bad thing at all. I grew up learning to help others, and watching my parents help others...and I love when I can do things for people and make them smile. And maybe it doesn't change their situation, but maybe it helped for just that moment. And if someone truly needs a helping hand, there should always be someone there to help them up. I don't actually go to church anymore, and haven't for years....I have my own reasons. I've had a hard time adjusting to living in Utah. Not that it's a bad place and I have nothing against church. But, I moved from a place that was more diverse in religion to a place where I live in the same few blocks with every person I would attend church with, and see everyday, at my children's school and at the grocery store...and...I feel like sometimes I have no privacy. I feel like sometimes everybody knows everything, even if they don't actually know me. It can be almost suffocating. I know I kind of sound like a jerk, but I'm a very private person with trust issues. Because lets be honest when you get a group of women who all attend the same church and live in the same neighborhood...there is gossip...a lot of gossip. (And no I'm not saying every woman gossips) Sometimes I don't know who to trust, and I've learned over the years to only say what I don't care gets spread around the neighborhood. I'm just being honest. I'm kind of known as a stubborn person. Probably because 99% of the time when someone asks if I need help with anything, I say no. I'm not necessarily saying no because I'm stubborn...I'm saying no because I'm not a person that is going to accept help if I truly don't need it, and 99% of the time...I really don't. I've had people in the past say to me, "Angie...don't deny people blessings, by not allowing them to help you?" I'm sorry but what kind of messed up guilt trip is that? I'm not going through what I'm going through, for other people to receive blessings. Let's get that straight. The people who have said this to me, lose a little respect in my book. Don't go there. Please...don't guilt me into thinking I need your help, when I'm doing perfectly fine. It also makes me extremely uncomfortable and irritated when people ask me about things that I haven't put out there into the world. I know I have children and they say things to their friends and it kind of goes from there. It usually comes back to me a little exaggerated and not always accurate. Recently the Bishop of our church contacted me about a couple of things going on and he said.. I heard...(sorry still not putting it out there)...is there anything we can do to help you deal with this better. I honestly just stared at this message and thought, "What the heck?!" I didn't realize I was having a problem dealing with what's going on, because I'm not, and he was a little off on his information. So I messaged him back, giving him the right information...even though I was a little irritated that he even knew anything and said, "I'm really just busy with work this month...we're doing fine." I guess I just believe if you hear information from a third person, before asking if I need help, ask me if the information heard was even correct. And be prepared for me to say something like...Gosh word really gets around doesn't it? We ended up having a good conversation, and he understood exactly what I was saying. I think there is a big misconception in the culture here that if something happens to someone that someone else immediately needs to step in and find out what's going on and try and help. This isn't always true. Not every situation is a "What can we do to help" situation. Everyone has different ways they deal with things. Me personally....I don't need help every time something happens in my life. Some people do...and that's fine, I'm not judging anyone for that. I just happen to have a high threshold of "things I can handle". I've worked my entire marriage. I never used daycare...never asked my family to watch my kids so I could work. I worked opposite shifts from my husband - when he worked. I still took care of our kids all day, even after working all night. When I started working nights, my youngest was only 1. There were more than a few days that I only got an hour of sleep, before going back to work for the night. Yet I've managed to survive, funny how that works. I had years of dealing with an alcoholic husband, and working a late enough shift at night so I could make sure everyone had dinner, homework was done, and all in bed before I left. Do you know what that's like? Years of silent prayers as I drove to work - "Please.....watch over my family tonight." I learned to survive and deal with a lot a long time ago. Those were the hard years. People need to understand that what I'm going through now, well it's hard, but routine. Everyday is the same...and different. I've learned to adjust to things faster...easier. Things happen everyday here sometimes. Do I still completely lose it and breakdown and wish I could run away from home? I absolutely do. So I have a good cry, take a long drive in the car, pull my big girl pants up and keep on moving. I'm just able to deal with things differently than you...and the person sitting next to you....and the person sitting next to them, because we are all different, and we all have different ways of handling life and what it throws at us. You may not understand how I'm getting through all this, but there are people I look at in complete awe, who are fighting battles that would floor me. I am amazed at their strength and courage, and I don't always understand how they are managing to deal with it all. We all have different battles. We all have different trials, because we all have different ways we need to learn and grow.
I don't ever want to come across as ungrateful, and having someone imply that this week has really bothered me. I'm actually beyond thankful for every bit of help I've received over the years. Most recently I had two men from church come haul a bunch of stuff to the dump for me...two trips...two different days. It took more time for them to drive it all out there and get rid of it than it did to load it in the back of the truck. But that was a big deal for me. It was something I couldn't do on my own. Meals that were brought over, when Todd was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I spent more time running back and forth than I was ever home. Tree limbs that were too big for me to trim....fences that have been fixed after wind storms. I could keep going. There are absolutely things I know I can't do myself. There are definitely times I need help. I may be a little stubborn about it, but I'm still going to ask or accept it if it's offered. When my kids were little and they would fall down, I would wait for a second to see how serious it was, based on what they did next. Sometimes they bounced right back up, continued on like nothing happened. Sometimes they would wait for a beat and I could tell it probably hurt a little, and I would ask if they were OK....actually I would say something like, are you going to live? and they would get up and keep going. Sometimes there were tears...and I would give them a hug and and we would check the spot where they got hurt and kiss it better and all was right with the world again.. And then sometimes there were lots of tears, and blood and band aids needed and on a couple of occasions stitches or a cast. And lots of hugs and extra kisses and extra time spent making sure everything was alright. This is how I deal with what happens in my life. If you think I'm having an extra bad day and you bring me a diet coke...I will never refuse. I mean who doesn't like knowing that someone is thinking of them. If something major happens that I physically can't handle on my own....I will absolutely accept any and all help with a great deal of thanks and gratitude. The everyday stuff....I've got that covered. Like I said everyone deals with things differently. I don't need help every time I trip on a curb...or nothing at all (it happens...whatever), and I don't need a band aid every time I fall down. Ask me how I'm doing once in awhile, I'll tell you if you really want to know. Be my friend, that's all I really need....well that and maybe one of these years a vacation ;o)
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