This Christmas...

It's been a little crazy around here for the last few weeks.  This time of year means overtime for me at work, rushing to get things done on my days off, and never having quite enough time.   Add in doctors appointments and remembering to fill prescriptions.....all the everyday stuff I deal with.  There really are not enough hours in the day, and by Tuesday (which is my Friday) I end up staying up after getting home (that would be Wednesday morning) from work and skipping a full day/night of sleep.  You would think that I would be full of all sorts of Christmas spirit. I try I really do, because Christmas has always been my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately I kind of turn into a Grinch.  I become so overwhelmed with everything that has to be done in the small amounts of time that I have to do them, that I turn into a  kind of ornery, short tempered, not very nice person to be around.  I can't remember the last time I sent out Christmas cards. I couldn't even figure out how to work that in last Christmas when I wasn't working and I had time to do things.  I'm not a very good multitasker.  Give me too many things to think about and do and I become a crazy person....it's true ask my husband and kids. 

Last Christmas I took advantage of being home and did all the traditional things I love.  We did  gingerbread houses (not store bought I actually made them).  I baked cookies and made tons of treats.  We drove around and looked at all the lights at night and I was able to go to my daughters Christmas concerts for Orchestra and choir.   I didn't stress out over anything really, except for gifts, that's usually my big stress.  Figuring out what to buy everyone and how to do it on a very small budget.   It was really nice to be home and have that time.

This Christmas I haven't baked at all, the usual treats I make... that I had all intentions of making, even bought everything I needed to make them....have fallen into the there is no way this is going to get done, and I'm not going to stress out about it file.  The tree and decorations were finally put up last weekend, because my kids are awesome and they spent a couple of hours decorating.  The presents have all been bought....almost.  Today is my last day to shop.  I'm taking my kids out after school so they can finish up what they need to and so can I.  It would be a lot nicer if it wasn't snowing like crazy, but today is my last day I can shop and so we absolutely have to go.  I was able to go to one Christmas concert, but I had to miss one, which makes me sad because I love going to them.   Yesterday I took my husband out shopping all day.  He loves to go shopping....I hate to go shopping.  He can wander for hours without buying a thing.  I have to shop with a purpose, and I walk into a store buy what I need and leave in the shortest amount of time possible.   Yesterday I let him spend the time he needed, without being my normal impatient self.  It's hard to describe what I've been feeling lately, but I've had a lot of moments when I'm by myself either at work or in my car, that I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I guess I feel like this really could be our last Christmas together.  It's just a feeling and I've been known to be wrong on many occasions, but he's having a hard time lately.  His health has gotten worse.  I think he's kind of feeling the same way.  We both (without consulting each other) thought about things to buy this year that would be special.  Yesterday he was in search of  those perfect gifts just from him.  My idea this year is to give everyone a memory book.  I want my kids (me and Todd too, as much as he is able), to start writing down our memories.  More specifically for the kids, I want them to write down things they remember doing with their dad, adding pictures if they want.  If you know how much I don't like to scrapbook, you probably think I've lost my mind doing something like this.  I do make exceptions for things.  Memories are so important, and if we aren't writing them down, they can be too easily forgotten.  So yesterday, even though Todd was in pain, we shopped together and found those special things he wanted to buy, and he had a really good day.   He's been asleep for a little over 12 hours now,  and I'm sure will sleep for a few hours more, possibly through the day.  He sleeps a lot now, it doesn't take much to completely wear him out.  Yesterday was extreme, but I really believe he gets an adrenaline rush when he knows he can go shopping, it's kind of crazy, but true.  Less than a week to go and I just want to make it through with the least amount of stress possible, and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  We have been so thankful over the years when others have given when we were in need.  If you know me at all, you know it's hard for me to accept any kind of help.  This year we are able to give back, something that is very important to me...Paying it forward.   So this Christmas we may have barely gotten the tree up  and didn't do the traditional things that we usually do, and I've had a few moments of...well overtiredness (I'm pretty sure that's a real word), but we are doing what we can with the time we have and still making memories in the process.  Always make the most of the time you have.  From our family to yours, I hope you all...

Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Thankful for....Everything...Almost

I have had one Hell of a morning.  It started with a wake up text from my 15 year old who took the wrong back pack to school (I'm still trying figure that one out), and needed me to bring him the right one,  a complete waste of a trip to the Social Security office, where I sat for 45 minutes, next to a guy wearing Homer Simpson slippers to find out I was missing one piece of information that they needed, and a parking ticket because I'm an idiot and my car's registration is expired.  So by 10:15am after being driven to the point of insanity, I drove to the nearest gas station, bought a giant diet coke, and a giant cookie (actually half peanut butter cookie, and half brownie)...and proceeded to numb my brain with more sugar, calories and caffeine than anyone should ever have in one sitting, especially at 10:30 in the morning....I might be feeling a little sick, but the frustration has significantly decreased.

There are two ways to look at life.....positively or negatively, with a lot of variations in between. I wish I could say I was a person that was positive about everything....I'm working on it.  Glass half full, glass half empty. If you were being completely honest with yourself where would you be?  This past year, has marked a significant changing point in my life. I woke up and realized that I've been really stupid about a lot of things.  I was bitter, angry, jealous, confused, blinded....and avoiding things because I was tired of being hurt. Tired of not being able to have "that" life....you know the one where I wouldn't have a care in the world, where my husband took care of me and everything, where I could go on vacations and wouldn't have to work, or worry about money and bills and holding on until my next pay day when I still have a week to go and $50 to my name. Life has been this way for so many years that it wore me out.  I will never claim to be a writer, but writing all this down and sorting everything out, is what helped me change my way of thinking.  When I look back at my life, specifically over the last 17 years,  every trial that I have been through, every experience that I have had that has brought me joy, or caused me pain, filled me with sorrow, humiliation, regret has made me who I am today.  Everyone could say this.  It took me a long time to realize and embrace it. Because of that, I can be, and I am thankful for every experience that I've been through up to this point. Really.  I can't say I've enjoyed every experience or trial that I've had, but I can look back at my life and instead of looking at it with regret, I can be thankful for everything that I have learned because of the choices I made.  So what am I thankful for, since it is November and this is what we do in November?  I'm thankful for just about everything and everyone in my life.  I might not be thankful for the stupid ticket I got today, but I still have a car to drive and a reminder that on pay day the registration needs to be done.  I might not be thankful that my husband is very, very sick. However we have been extremely blessed when it comes to his care.  I'm thankful for every single person that we have come across in the medical field. Doctors, nurses, CNA's, wound care specialists, pharmacists, and his hospice team.  Many of which I have become friends with.  People who have bent over backwards to help us. There are definitely things I wish didn't happen but, if I'm looking at things with my glass half full, I can see the things to be thankful for, despite the stuff that isn't so great that is going to happen anyway.  So I'm thankful for everything.....almost, and the things I don't want to be thankful for, well there's always cookies to help me feel better....I think we can all be thankful for cookies.

I Am...

Yesterday, when my kids came home from school I asked them to do something for me.  I had them write at the top of a page the words I Am, then I told them to list as many things as they could or wanted to, that described them.  I told them I wanted them to be completely honest and not write things they thought I wanted to see. I did the same for myself.  I wanted to see what my children really think about themselves.  We live in a society where there are so many unreal ideals of how we should look.  Society telling us how we need to  act, or what to think, and I wanted to see how this affects them. I hardly ever watch tv anymore, I can't stand to,  reality tv has taken things to a whole new level of stupidity. I don't want my kids to think that what they see on tv or in magazines is "real", because even reality tv is not.  You want reality, sit down with your family...your friends...your neighbors and get to know them.  Nobody read each others lists, not even me until right now, because I didn't want anyone to influence what anyone else said.  These were our results.

My 9 year old son:   I  Am...

Cool, a brother, awesome, happy, strong, good at math, good at art, an artist, good at painting, good at Lego Batman 2, crazy.

My 14 year old daughter:   I Am...

Happy, sad, smart, talented, I love to sing in front of people, not afraid to say no, normal, a leader, a comedian, amazing, LDS, energetic, an artist,  I have difficulties, I have flaws, I am not perfect, I can't do everything right, I am not the smartest person, I don't wear fancy clothes, I suck at English, I don't have bad friends, I don't follow trends, I don't use photo shop to change what I look like, I don't do drugs, I won't do the wrong things to fit in, I don't judge, I have great friends, I am crazy, I don't fall in love with celebrities,  I am me, I am myself.

My 15 (almost 16) year old son:   I Am...

Cool, funny, smart, nice, a great friend, nice to talk to, a good listener, a hard worker, crafty, I can be a good leader, I am a Mormon, I am who I am.

And Me:  I Am...

A wife, mom, caregiver, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend.  I am not necessarily a writer, but I write what I feel. I am spiritual, a deep thinker, open minded, strong, but I have many weaknesses,  I have some scars, but I am not broken.  I am loving, and I am loved.  I am caring, and I am cared about.  I am unbelievably stubborn, better at giving than receiving, sometimes overly emotional and sometimes very angry.  I am happy, hard working, beautiful (that one is still hard for me to say).  I am a fantastic singer....in my car...when no one is listening.  I am not a size 2 and I don't want to be, but I am active and healthy.  I am an introvert, that was born a Leo, that doesn't make sense...it means I am shy and quiet unless you really know me and see my other side.   Mostly I am patient, but I am a working mom and sometimes I am tired and impatient.  I am not creative, but I have moments of creativity.  I am still addicted to Diet Coke and almond snickers....seriously is there anything better?  I am spreading my wings and learning to fly.  I am able to forgive and move on.  I am me....I am not you, I have my own mind, and I know how to think and make decisions for myself.  I am an individual.  I am all these things and more, and I am not the same today that I was 30 years ago, or 20 years ago, or 5 years ago, maybe even 2 years ago. 

I was quite impressed with what my kids said....they really are great kids. What would your list say? What do you really think about yourself? What would your kids say about themselves?  Try it. It's a great way to start conversations  that we all need to have, because this is reality.  Watching people on tv make fun of other people for the sake of being mean.....what does that teach our kids? How does that influence what they think of themselves? I know growing up I compared myself to every girl I went to school with.  I read all the stupid teen magazines and wanted to look like everyone else but myself.  I can tell you that my top 3 things on my list when I was a teenager would have been (because this is what I really felt).... I am fat, I am ugly, and I am invisible. Thankfully I don't think this anymore, but the purpose of this exercise was because I don't want my kids to ever think this way either. 

Make Peace With The Past

Last week, I was getting ready to take Todd to one of his appointments when he said, "I think it's time for me to start saying good-bye to people."   I was quiet for a few moments before I responded.  "Why are you thinking that?"  "Because I'm just not feeling right lately.....I'm not sure what's wrong with me."  Now, I don't know what time frame we are looking at with him.  I know that his doctor he sees now for his liver has told him that only 10% of people with Cirrhosis make it past the 5 year mark.  I know that we have reached that 5 year mark. I also know that at 44 Todd is younger than most people who die from this, which I think helps him.  I'm not convinced it's his time just yet, but I think he is finally coming to terms with things, and acknowledging out loud that it is going to happen.  The last part of his statement he says a lot.....and it makes me a little crazy.  Sometimes I wonder if he really understands what is going on with his body, if he's read anything about it.  I know I have, and I know I, along with his doctors have all tried to explain things to him.  I think a lot of the problem is denial or just not wanting to think about it, and it could even be that he doesn't remember what's been explained to him because his short term memory is so awful.  The main reason I've always gone to every one of his appointments is to make sure I hear the information first hand.  He always manages to hear something completely different than I do when we are sitting in the same room. 

I've noticed the last week or two that he has been a lot more tired than usual.  It could be because he pushed himself to do things for two weeks and made his body shut down and say enough.  It could be that he is more upset than he is letting on about our son leaving without saying good-bye, and us not hearing from him at all in the last month.  He could be depressed and he could be just....tired.  I don't know if this is a phase or if it's things progressing....I never know.  But I knew he was in a mind set to talk, so we did. 

As we were driving, I said to him that he should start thinking about things he maybe wanted to do or resolve in his life.  His first thought.... "Well I'd really like if you and I could go on a cruise."  Here's me rolling my eyes.....that's not what I meant.  We are so completely opposite and this one way screams it the loudest.  He always thinks in terms of money.  If he has a penny in his pocket he has to spend it.....but we won't go down that crazy road of arguments.  What I meant was...What things do you feel like you need to make peace with?  This is maybe what you should be thinking about.  Because you either deal with this stuff now, or you deal with it after you die.....it all doesn't just disappear and it's going to be painful either way.  See, Todd grew up in a family that never says, "I'm sorry." ....well I know I've heard his mom say it, but I've never heard it from anyone else.  We had a big blow up argument with his dad last October, nobody spoke to each other for two months, in December his dad sent him a text message that said... it's time for this nonsense to be over, we'll see you at the Christmas party.  No apologies. For what happened there NEEDED to be an apology.  Todd didn't respond and it's been a year since he has seen anyone in his family.  Not only has Todd hurt a lot of people in his life, he himself has been hurt by a lot of people in his life.  At some point he needs to come to terms with the fact that the past is the past.  His dad will never apologize for anything that happened when he was a kid.  Todd has tried to talk to him....his dad won't talk.  This is a man who once told his granddaughter, my niece, when she was maybe 8 and asked why him and grandma (Todd's mom) got a divorce, that if she asked him about it again she couldn't come to his house anymore.  It's obvious he has issues and needs massive amounts of therapy.  Todd will never be able to resolve the past with him, not here anyway.  So we talked about ways he could try to make peace with the past.  We had a good talk.  I asked him to maybe write experiences down.  He wasn't sure he could do that, it would be really hard.  I told him that is exactly why he should.  Todd has changed a lot over the last 5 years.  It is part of the reason why I have been able to make peace with things.  Having a husband who was an alcoholic, and doesn't remember most of what he said or did during that time, means I had to really dig deep and accept that....and it was hard, but it has been worth it.  Making peace with the past.....letting it go, frees you. I want desperately for Todd to understand this.  Why would I want that for a man who has given me years of frustration?  Because, he's not an evil person.  He deserves to be happy just like anyone else, and he deserves to move on from this life free of those chains.  Will he?  I can't even answer that.  The patterns of his life say no he won't.  But, we have the power to break those patterns.  Maybe he will.....I hope he will for his own happiness.  I think too many people wait until the end, afraid of what comes next.  I want happiness while I'm here and I want to enjoy it.  I wish Todd could have been happy in this life.  I'm not sure he has ever been.  Even though he loves me with all his heart....I know he does....he's never been truly happy.  His past has weighed him down, and it does make me feel sad for him.  I hope one day he truly will have some peace and happiness.   I know that this alone is what makes me want to do what I can to forgive, and make peace with the past and continue on.  It is a lesson we should all learn....don't wait until the end, decide you want happiness now, and try to let go of the things that can't be resolved, so you can have peace.

Write Down Your Memories, Share Your Memories

I moved to Utah with my mom and younger siblings, when I was 20.  My grandparents and relatives all live here and growing up, we would come to visit once a year.  My mom grew up in a home that was built by her grandparents.  My dad grew up on a farm in a home built by his grandfather.  I've always loved that.  Knowing how long those homes were there, and the history that surrounds them.  I didn't really appreciate any of it until recently.  Two years ago my mom faced the agonizing decision with her brother of what to do with the home they grew up in.  My grandparents have all been gone for a while now, and the house needed a lot of work. It was sold.  The couple that bought it, did exactly what needed to be done, and it looks amazing inside and out.  Although I'm sad it's not in our family anymore, it's still there and I'm happy that someone lives there and loves it.  This year my dad's brother and sister faced the same agonizing decision and the family farm was sold.  The houses will remain, but the property....the farm...will be gone.   I loved both of these places for so many different reasons.  The house my mom grew up in had a large orchard in the back, mostly apple trees, my grandpa was known for his apples. When we would visit in the Fall there were always bushels of apples on the front porch to sell. My grandpa's apples were the best.   When we visited my other grandpa at the farm, I loved walking up the yard, to where the horses were, past the peacocks and other birds, and I would run past the goat that I was a little afraid of.  I was thinking about why I used to love just walking around both of these places, through the orchard and the farm.  I remember it always being quiet,  they were kind of magical places for me.  I didn't understand the feeling I felt, walking around those places until recently, when I started really thinking about it.  The quiet, calm.  The feeling of peace and strength of family surrounding me. I could walk through either of those places and have an instant feeling of peace. I've lived within 5 minutes of both of these places for the last 21 years and didn't visit them nearly enough.

In the last month I've dealt with a son moving on, we still haven't heard from him.  His little brother misses him and keeps asking where he is.....I don't have any answers to give him.  I said good bye to our family farm and took a ton of pictures, and last week was the anniversary of the day my dad died 24 years ago. It's been an unbelievably emotional month for me, but life goes on.  I still have to go to work everyday, get kids to school, help with homework, make sure everything gets taken care of.  I love my son with all  my heart, but if he needs to figure out life without us, then I'll let him. 

I've always known how important it is to share our memories no matter how hard.  I know almost nothing about my dad's mom.  She died when he was a little boy, and it was too hard for anyone to talk about her without being overcome with grief and emotion.  Despite not knowing really anything about her, I feel a connection to her that I can't really explain. She is one person I can't wait to meet one day.  As I get older, my memory isn't as good.  I don't want my kids to grow up saying they don't know anything about their grandfather, and I want them to remember as much as they can about their own dad.  Not knowing how much time they have left with him, means that memories past and present are so important.  I love sharing memories that I have, some make me laugh, some make me cry.  Some memories aren't happy memories, but there's no rule that says you only write down the happy memories.  There is a 17 year difference between my oldest sibling and my youngest, our memories of our dad vary, some having many more than others.  My youngest sister having almost none.  THIS is why it is so important to write things down....to share them with each other....often.  It is important to remember where we come from, our memories help us see why we are the way we are.   We never know what experiences we may go through, that might help someone else years or generations later, who might be going through something similar.  Sometimes it's hard to write down what you are feeling.....do it anyway.  

“They say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.”
― Sue Monk Kidd

Write down your memories...start now, make time.  Share your memories....often

And Then Out of Nowhere.....WHAM!

Trials.....Oh man.....while I can appreciate that there is a reason we have them,  I really don't like them very much.  I'm at an age, and I've been through enough of them that I  know I'm always going to have them......we all do, that's a fact.  I'm not naive enough to think that life is just going to go along smoothly.  Sometimes they are just little, manageable bumps in the road, annoying, they slow us down, but make us take a little more time to look at things and realize we just need to breathe and rethink things and proceed over them.  Others are a little bigger... a little more difficult, they may stop us for a few beats, and then we slowly climb the hill, that we know we have to get over with a little effort.  And still others....they are the ones that stop us completely for however long it takes us to realize that the mountain sitting in front of us is not impossible.  It takes every ounce of our energy, and the love and strength and help from friends and family who support us to get over.  It may seem while on that climb, the top is out of reach and impossible, but it isn't. 

When Todd and I got married we started out as an instant family.   He had a 3yr. old little boy and I had just had a baby.   I dove head first into being a mom.....it felt more like a belly flop. I was 25, so not too young, and even though I had younger sisters and a brother who I babysat growing up it did not come close to preparing me for motherhood.  I did the best I could, going on instinct. Trying to bond with a brand new baby and a 3yr old who was dealing with everything changing in his own life.  I fell in love with that little boy and knew I wanted to adopt him....when he was 6, I was able to, and I consider him mine.  I was there through all the hard times, and all the good times.   I was overprotective and maybe a little strict.  I've changed my parenting style over the years and gotten a little more relaxed, but I've always kept the same expectations for all my children.  Our oldest has been our biggest challenge.  It hasn't been an easy ride for him or for us, but the fact that we love him and just want him to see his own potential and everything he can accomplish will never change.

Our oldest is 18 now, I've struggled for the last few years with him changing his friends, getting into trouble, going to court, never telling us when he leaves or where he is going, coming home when he feels like it, not caring to follow any rules in our house, dropping out of school, lying and stealing.  He was in the juvenile system and we've been through counseling.  I've tried to talk to him and give him advice.  He would only tell me what he thought I wanted to hear....and after a few times of that, and him not following through, well I stopped believing what he was telling  me.  Broken promises and empty apologies, and it broke my heart. For the last few months I've been nagging him about getting a job.  It was frustrating having him here sleeping until anywhere between 2 and 5 in the afternoon, then getting up and leaving with friends until whenever he felt like coming home, and the tension was unbelievably thick.  I finally told him at the beginning of this month that when he turned 19 it was time to move out, hoping this would be more of a motivation to get a job.  Not only that, right now I have my almost 16yr old sharing a bedroom with his 9yr old brother, because he couldn't handle sharing one with his older brother anymore.  We need space, he's not willing to follow any rules, and he's not motivated to do anything. I can't function like that, it drives me insane. So I gave him 5 months to figure out a plan.

Last weekend he left the house with his friend.  Tuesday morning, after being gone 3 nights I started to worry about where he was.  I know what you're thinking, but he goes camping with his friends all the time and doesn't tell us, so it's normal for him to be gone for the weekend.  I had Todd text him just to ask "Where are you?"  I wasn't expecting his response.  He texted back saying, he was working out of state, and had just decided to move on with his life. He wouldn't call, he wouldn't tell us where he was, all that he would say was that he was fine and he would check in once in a while.  After a few more times of questioning him and trying to make sense of it, I finally just told Todd to say Ok, we love you.   I've spent the last couple of days, questioning every decision that I've ever made with him, feeling like a complete failure as a parent and wondering what I did wrong. How did I manage to raise a child that I love, that one day just leaves the house, not taking anything, not saying good bye, just walking away, and waiting for us to realize he hasn't been here for longer than we are used to before he vaguely lets us know anything?  I don't get it, and I feel helpless.  The not knowing hurts, maybe that was his intention.  Maybe it's because he's still 18 and he doesn't realize that his choices don't just affect him.  The reality is, I know I'm not a failure as a parent.  Every parent makes mistakes, we do not automatically know how to raise children just because we have them.  We learn by trial and error, trust me, I'm still trying to get it right.  I know a little more now than I did then....a little.  We do our best and hope in the end we did something right to help them in their lives.

So I'm trudging my way up this hill, it's a little scary.  I need to have faith that things work out as they are supposed to.  I'm honestly having a hard time with that one.  I worry about him, although I know he is capable of doing whatever he has set his mind to do. And all I can do is keep him in my prayers, keep trying to talk to him,  hope that his life is going in a more positive direction, and hope he realizes how much his family really loves and cares about him.  We don't always love or agree with the choices our children make, but it doesn't make us love them any less.  Maybe one day he will understand that. And I'll continue up my hill hoping the next one is a little farther away....

Saying Goodbye to Summer

School has started.  We are starting to have days that are a little bit cooler and summer is coming to an end. It went by entirely too fast.  We didn't go on a vacation or even a stay cation, but we had a full summer of just....enjoying summer.

We ran in the Color Me Rad 5k

I planted my gardens

We celebrated the 4th of July

...and birthdays

Relaxed and did some swimming

Enjoyed the beauty all around us

And said Goodbye to a place we love

And to celebrate losing 55 pounds,  I allowed my picture to be taken.

Reluctantly I say goodbye to the this summer, as I eagerly look forward to the next.  :o)