There is just something about sitting on my back porch in the morning. Listening to the birds, a slight breeze in the air and having a million thoughts running through my head. Ok....so I can hear the cars on the freeway....but after 14 years of living here, Eh...I'm pretty used to it. I like having the mornings to myself. I have 3 days until school is out for the summer and I want to enjoy as much of that time as I can. (Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with my kids, I just know I won't get much time to myself for the next 2 1/2 months). In fact, I just got irritated with my son who skipped his first period class today. "When exactly are you leaving? This is my alone time and I would like to be a...lone." Nice parenting...I know. So I'm on my back porch writing this in a notebook, because I don't want to be anywhere near a computer right now.
I've had this post running through my head for a while. It's putting it into the right words that has been the hard part. I have no problem talking about my husband's alcoholism...now, but, I hid it for years....we hid it for years. I was a true enabler in every sense of the word. When he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis our families really didn't understand why. I had to start talking. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the life I had chosen, for what I let myself put up with. Years of shame, hurt, tears....fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not really knowing what he was capable of when he was in that state of mind. Fear of what he would do if I left, and fear of having to do everything alone. I was miserable, I had no one to talk to about what I was going through, and I was alone. I've talked about this before, but after my husband quit drinking, I changed. I was becoming my own person. I started wearing make up again and doing my hair. When he was drinking, he had a paranoid jealousy thing going on. If I made myself look nice to go to work, he was automatically suspicious that I was trying to impress somebody. When he quit drinking that behavior stopped, for the most part. The funny thing is I never looked at other guys. I was married...I didn't need to. That's not something I thought about.
So what changed with me? Ha...funny enough....I had an affair...long distance. (Judge me if you want....I don't care). I started talking to a guy I knew when I was younger and I can only explain it as an instant connection. I wasn't looking for someone to talk to....it started with a Hey, how are you? How's your family? We ended up talking almost everyday sometimes hours at a time...about anything, everything, the past, our different memories of the people we knew. I laughed so much when we talked, and...I fell in love with him. For a little over a year, I. was. happy. When he told me he loved me, I wanted to jump on the next plane...and I couldn't. He and I never talked about why I couldn't leave. I avoided that conversation. It wasn't because I loved my husband, it was because I understood how sick he really was (is). I couldn't take our kids away from him, and have them lose that time with him, no matter my feelings. It's been 2 years since the last time we talked, I hurt him...and he walked away...and my heart was shattered. I still miss him everyday. Yes my husband knows... I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did. It is what it is. I hurt my husband....I hurt the man I fell in love with...and I hurt myself. And I deserved it...period.
So here I am... putting myself out there. Why? to show you I'm human. My husband will never really understand what he did in our marriage to hurt me. What could he have possibly done? Our marriage was perfect.....with beer goggles on....I suppose it was. And towards the end I contributed my fair share to our dysfunction. I don't wear my wedding ring anymore. It just doesn't feel right. The main point is I have to accept that he will never fully understand. Nothing I do or say will make him see what things were really like. I have to draw a line and say....I'm not going to that place anymore. When he is no longer with us, I will draw another line. I will no longer revisit the past, except with my kids. They are the only ones that will need to talk about it. For me, the alcoholism...the hurt, will be a chapter in my life that will be closed forever. I refuse to take that part of my past into my future. I'll leave fate to sort everything else out. So, I draw a line and know that it's ok to just. let. it. go.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
A Little Lecture....or Pep Talk.... Whatever You Want to Call it.
So I've had two other posts (one that I'm probably not going to write about) in my head for the last week. However due to the events of earlier in the day, I chose something completely different for today. Although not completely different from past posts, just completely different from what was in my head.
I've expressed my frustrations with my oldest son before. I mentioned how he was put on house arrest for 30 days due to his choices that he has made. He's been off of house arrest for exactly 9 days....and we're back to square one. It's extremely frustrating. Today I had to go pick him up from the local McDonald's because he got into a fight with a kid from school. Let me just take this opportunity to say how much I appreciate our local officers....I just don't like to get phone calls from them. Now he faces another court date and all the consequences that come with it.
On the way home we were kind of talking.....arguing...and I asked whose fault it was that he had friends that were bad influences...that were contributing to him making all these "bad" choices. Silly me thought he would take responsibility and say, "Well...it's my fault." To my surprise he said, "It's YOUR fault." (meaning me...his mom). Excuse me....How exactly is it MY fault that you've changed your friends and started hanging out with kids that you end up getting in trouble with? I didn't go to school and say..."Hey, those kids look like a group of bad asses....why don't you go hang with them and see how much trouble you can get into." BULL SHIT!! If you want to talk to me about what happened....come talk to me. If you're going to blame me for your actions the conversation will be over and you can go cry to your therapist and the judge and see what they say. Look I'm not saying he wasn't given a bad hand...he's had to deal with a lot in his life. In NO way, shape or form does that give anyone an excuse to break the law...period.
So I walked into the house.....and he sat in the car for about 10 minutes...before he came in my room to talk about it. Well....before he came in my room trying to convince me it wasn't his fault and he really was trying to change. And cue the lecture... I'm actually kind of proud of myself today. I didn't lose it and I didn't go on for hours and hours. In a nutshell I looked at him and said...If you truly want to change....show me. Words to me are just words they mean absolutely nothing. I've been burned too many times. I'm not talking about changing for a day or a week or a month.....the true test is if you can keep it going. So don't stand there and tell me you want to change and then do absolutely nothing about it....prove it. Second......I would NEVER let anyone else take credit for my choices....my actions....my mistakes. They are mine and mine alone. I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for the choices that I've made....the mistakes that I made. They make me.....me. Good...bad...and ugly. Don't blame anyone else for the choices you make, because all it will do is make you angry and miserable. Take your mistakes and learn from them. We all make them, I guarantee I'll be making mistakes for the rest of my life. Then a little of I wish you could see your full potential...you could be doing so much more, because you have so much more to give... My usual lecture stuff. It really is frustrating because he has so many strengths....but he is so angry and he can't see past that right now.
He left for work shortly after and my daughter turned to me and said "Good pep talk Mom." Really?... "Yea I'm being serious." Well I'm glad somebody got something out of it. "Mom...I always learn good stuff from you." By the way....Love that she called it a pep talk and not a lecture... Maybe just maybe there is a little bit of hope after all. Let's all have a great weekend!
I've expressed my frustrations with my oldest son before. I mentioned how he was put on house arrest for 30 days due to his choices that he has made. He's been off of house arrest for exactly 9 days....and we're back to square one. It's extremely frustrating. Today I had to go pick him up from the local McDonald's because he got into a fight with a kid from school. Let me just take this opportunity to say how much I appreciate our local officers....I just don't like to get phone calls from them. Now he faces another court date and all the consequences that come with it.
On the way home we were kind of talking.....arguing...and I asked whose fault it was that he had friends that were bad influences...that were contributing to him making all these "bad" choices. Silly me thought he would take responsibility and say, "Well...it's my fault." To my surprise he said, "It's YOUR fault." (meaning me...his mom). Excuse me....How exactly is it MY fault that you've changed your friends and started hanging out with kids that you end up getting in trouble with? I didn't go to school and say..."Hey, those kids look like a group of bad asses....why don't you go hang with them and see how much trouble you can get into." BULL SHIT!! If you want to talk to me about what happened....come talk to me. If you're going to blame me for your actions the conversation will be over and you can go cry to your therapist and the judge and see what they say. Look I'm not saying he wasn't given a bad hand...he's had to deal with a lot in his life. In NO way, shape or form does that give anyone an excuse to break the law...period.
So I walked into the house.....and he sat in the car for about 10 minutes...before he came in my room to talk about it. Well....before he came in my room trying to convince me it wasn't his fault and he really was trying to change. And cue the lecture... I'm actually kind of proud of myself today. I didn't lose it and I didn't go on for hours and hours. In a nutshell I looked at him and said...If you truly want to change....show me. Words to me are just words they mean absolutely nothing. I've been burned too many times. I'm not talking about changing for a day or a week or a month.....the true test is if you can keep it going. So don't stand there and tell me you want to change and then do absolutely nothing about it....prove it. Second......I would NEVER let anyone else take credit for my choices....my actions....my mistakes. They are mine and mine alone. I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for the choices that I've made....the mistakes that I made. They make me.....me. Good...bad...and ugly. Don't blame anyone else for the choices you make, because all it will do is make you angry and miserable. Take your mistakes and learn from them. We all make them, I guarantee I'll be making mistakes for the rest of my life. Then a little of I wish you could see your full potential...you could be doing so much more, because you have so much more to give... My usual lecture stuff. It really is frustrating because he has so many strengths....but he is so angry and he can't see past that right now.
He left for work shortly after and my daughter turned to me and said "Good pep talk Mom." Really?... "Yea I'm being serious." Well I'm glad somebody got something out of it. "Mom...I always learn good stuff from you." By the way....Love that she called it a pep talk and not a lecture... Maybe just maybe there is a little bit of hope after all. Let's all have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Some Days are Overwhelming and.....Lonely
It's not that I don't have people to talk to, I do. And I talk a lot. But some days, I hit that point where I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. When I feel like I have no one and I feel like nobody really cares. Now I know this isn't really the case. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of people who care about me. Even if they don't quite understand everything, they still love me and would help me if I asked. But....it's lonely.
Yesterday I had my youngest sons IEP meeting. Well it was an addendum to his IEP, just adding more time out of the his regular classroom to his resource class. I sat in the room by myself, with his teacher, resource teacher, speech teacher, school psychologist and principal. I haven't been the greatest parent when it comes to school this year. I haven't kept up on his school work. And so I got a little lecture on him needing to understand that he needs to do his school work and bring it back. Strike one for mom. His teacher also brought up that he has been really tired at school lately and even fell asleep one day. Hinting that maybe he is going to bed too late. Well...no he isn't. He goes to bed by 8p.m. Lately he has been waking up a lot during the night. Bad dreams...needing to go to the bathroom....needing a drink. I guess strike two for mom. And then the big one....his having a hard time concentrating on what he is supposed to be doing....the ADD....the hint...hint...we really want you to try medication. Strike three. I get that he has ADD....I get that maybe we need to try medication. But if they would have stopped and listened to themselves and what they were telling me they were observing (and I'm really surprised the school psychologist said nothing)...they would have seen a bigger picture.
This is what I got from the meeting. Well.....first let me explain the relationship between my little guy and his daddy. They are best buddies. Anytime he would go to Dr.'s appointments with us in the past, he would hold his dad's hand and tell whoever he was seeing to be careful and not hurt him. Now...I find them together a lot. My son holding his dad's hand helping him walk down the hallway....sitting next to each other at Todd's bed side table eating dinner. Always asking if they can have a "sleep over". Which means snuggling up and watching tv together later than normal until they both fall asleep. (I only allow this on the weekends). Their conversations make me smile, sometimes because they make absolutely no sense. This little boy that blessed our dysfunctional little family holds us all together. He is our little ray of sunshine, but he feels everything. He knows daddy is very sick, and until yesterday I didn't put together and realize how much it was affecting him. So....when his teacher told me about his Mother's Day card that he made (that he never gave me...typical), that had a picture of his dad and the word "SAD" in bubble letters....I broke down. I pretty much cried through rest of the meeting. The not being able to concentrate, being tired, not wanting to go to school. There is so much more that my little boy is dealing with, that is affecting him...other than ADD. How could they not see it when it is so very clear. He understands far more than I gave him credit for, and he is worried about his daddy. Yes I will try medication to help with things, in the long run it may make a difference. Do I think it will right now? No I don't. I left the meeting in tears, I cried more a little while afterward. Some days I can't handle all of this. Some days it is all too much.
Today, I was laying on the bed crying, (yes...still crying). My husband has had a few really bad days this week. He has really bad wounds on his ankles and they are hurting him a lot. If he would stay off of his feet it would help. The problem....when his brain is telling him he needs to get things done, he doesn't think about how it is affecting his legs. His thought process just isn't the same as yours or mine now. I can't talk to him about what is going on with our youngest son, it's getting harder to explain things like this to him. This morning when I was crying he asked if I was ok....I shook my head yes...and as he walked out of the room he asked if I would make the bed. I just closed my eyes because I realized I really can't have those conversations with him anymore. The conversations where he asks me tell him what is wrong. He's very childlike right now. He walks around singing all the time, making up words to songs. Not going to lie....it gets really annoying. He tells me he loves me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am. And I tell him he's full of crap, because I am so Not beautiful right now. I refer to him being in a drunken state all the time, but it is very childlike. I would never sit and bore everyone with the details of what we go through on a daily basis. Taking care of someone I know is dying and having to watch them everyday get a little bit worse and wondering how much longer this is going to go on. There are not enough words to describe it. The hard part is, my family and friends as much as they care about me, don't fully understand.....and that's ok. How much do any of us understand when someone we know or love is going through a difficult time? Sometimes despite blogging about it....and talking for hours at times.....it's still overwhelming and it's still....lonely.
Yesterday I had my youngest sons IEP meeting. Well it was an addendum to his IEP, just adding more time out of the his regular classroom to his resource class. I sat in the room by myself, with his teacher, resource teacher, speech teacher, school psychologist and principal. I haven't been the greatest parent when it comes to school this year. I haven't kept up on his school work. And so I got a little lecture on him needing to understand that he needs to do his school work and bring it back. Strike one for mom. His teacher also brought up that he has been really tired at school lately and even fell asleep one day. Hinting that maybe he is going to bed too late. Well...no he isn't. He goes to bed by 8p.m. Lately he has been waking up a lot during the night. Bad dreams...needing to go to the bathroom....needing a drink. I guess strike two for mom. And then the big one....his having a hard time concentrating on what he is supposed to be doing....the ADD....the hint...hint...we really want you to try medication. Strike three. I get that he has ADD....I get that maybe we need to try medication. But if they would have stopped and listened to themselves and what they were telling me they were observing (and I'm really surprised the school psychologist said nothing)...they would have seen a bigger picture.
This is what I got from the meeting. Well.....first let me explain the relationship between my little guy and his daddy. They are best buddies. Anytime he would go to Dr.'s appointments with us in the past, he would hold his dad's hand and tell whoever he was seeing to be careful and not hurt him. Now...I find them together a lot. My son holding his dad's hand helping him walk down the hallway....sitting next to each other at Todd's bed side table eating dinner. Always asking if they can have a "sleep over". Which means snuggling up and watching tv together later than normal until they both fall asleep. (I only allow this on the weekends). Their conversations make me smile, sometimes because they make absolutely no sense. This little boy that blessed our dysfunctional little family holds us all together. He is our little ray of sunshine, but he feels everything. He knows daddy is very sick, and until yesterday I didn't put together and realize how much it was affecting him. So....when his teacher told me about his Mother's Day card that he made (that he never gave me...typical), that had a picture of his dad and the word "SAD" in bubble letters....I broke down. I pretty much cried through rest of the meeting. The not being able to concentrate, being tired, not wanting to go to school. There is so much more that my little boy is dealing with, that is affecting him...other than ADD. How could they not see it when it is so very clear. He understands far more than I gave him credit for, and he is worried about his daddy. Yes I will try medication to help with things, in the long run it may make a difference. Do I think it will right now? No I don't. I left the meeting in tears, I cried more a little while afterward. Some days I can't handle all of this. Some days it is all too much.
Today, I was laying on the bed crying, (yes...still crying). My husband has had a few really bad days this week. He has really bad wounds on his ankles and they are hurting him a lot. If he would stay off of his feet it would help. The problem....when his brain is telling him he needs to get things done, he doesn't think about how it is affecting his legs. His thought process just isn't the same as yours or mine now. I can't talk to him about what is going on with our youngest son, it's getting harder to explain things like this to him. This morning when I was crying he asked if I was ok....I shook my head yes...and as he walked out of the room he asked if I would make the bed. I just closed my eyes because I realized I really can't have those conversations with him anymore. The conversations where he asks me tell him what is wrong. He's very childlike right now. He walks around singing all the time, making up words to songs. Not going to lie....it gets really annoying. He tells me he loves me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am. And I tell him he's full of crap, because I am so Not beautiful right now. I refer to him being in a drunken state all the time, but it is very childlike. I would never sit and bore everyone with the details of what we go through on a daily basis. Taking care of someone I know is dying and having to watch them everyday get a little bit worse and wondering how much longer this is going to go on. There are not enough words to describe it. The hard part is, my family and friends as much as they care about me, don't fully understand.....and that's ok. How much do any of us understand when someone we know or love is going through a difficult time? Sometimes despite blogging about it....and talking for hours at times.....it's still overwhelming and it's still....lonely.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Sometimes I Just Get Tired of Hearing.... "I'm Sorry"
"Angie....I'm sorry," I hear this phrase everyday....multiple times a day. The hardest part of taking care of my husband and going through all this....is watching him deteriorate physically and mentally. He's aged about 30 or more years it seems in the last couple of years, but more so in the last few months. We have a picture of him on a Jet ski with our oldest son from a family reunion 6 years ago. He was about 80 pounds heavier...stronger. I guess you could say he was a tough guy. A couple of weeks ago when I had the paramedics here because I needed help getting him up, one of the guys looked at his tattoos and asked what he used to be into. I just kind of looked at him not understanding his question. He then asked if he was in a biker gang or something. I laughed through my tears at that moment, and said "Oh...no...just drugs back in the day".....Well it made the officers and paramedics chuckle. It was a tense situation...and sometimes I find humor at odd times. Anyway, this picture was taken before we knew he was sick. He was still drinking at that time....he was a completely different person. I look at that same man standing in front of me now....He's unsteady when he walks, he has to use a cane.....He's had more than a hand full of times that he has fallen in the last couple of months. He has a hard time remembering what day it is, conversations he has had. He can't always remember the right words to say. He still has his witty come backs and his personality, but an older version of it.
I've been sick the last week maybe longer. It's just a cold but with so much congestion that my ears are plugged up and I've been a little dizzy the last few days. I just want rest. Unfortunately being a mom and a caregiver means I don't always get that. And this week is just a week I'm not getting much of a chance to just stop and rest. It doesn't help that every other minute my husband is asking me to take him somewhere. Each time I look at him and try to explain to him that I don't feel good, I'm not going anywhere. And unfortunately we've ended up having arguments over it, because then he thinks he can just drive himself. Ok.....this does not let me relax and take any kind of break. There are just times I have to keep an eye on him every minute....kind of like a toddler. This is when "I'm sorry" comes up. I hear it so often it just feels empty. I know at that moment he is sorry....but he repeats his behaviors so often that it is exhausting. 'Great...I'm glad that you're sorry for keeping me up until 3 am....again...because you are trying to "get things done"...things you should be doing during the daytime hours, but I have to be up at 7am and this is getting really old." Day after day....week after week hearing I'm sorry for the same things over and over....well it loses something. I know a lot of this he can't control.....but sometimes it feels like he just doesn't give a crap. The problem.....he's not the same person. Oh he is still incredibly selfish, he always has been. He still thinks he's funny....and I still roll my eyes at him. But his thought process is so out there. We've had the same conversation at least a handful of times today already. Him wanting me to take him somewhere....me telling him I don't feel good I want to rest while the kids are at school....him saying ok I'm sorry and walking out of the room..... Rinse and Repeat..... And honestly I just have to get used to it. I just have to close my eyes and grin and bear it. I used to say everyday was a little different. I can almost predict how each day is going to be now from the moment I open my eyes in the morning. So....I listen to the 'I'm sorries' and take each moment for what it is. The frustrations are always going to be there....me learning to separate this part of life from the past is a little more trying...but not impossible.
I've been sick the last week maybe longer. It's just a cold but with so much congestion that my ears are plugged up and I've been a little dizzy the last few days. I just want rest. Unfortunately being a mom and a caregiver means I don't always get that. And this week is just a week I'm not getting much of a chance to just stop and rest. It doesn't help that every other minute my husband is asking me to take him somewhere. Each time I look at him and try to explain to him that I don't feel good, I'm not going anywhere. And unfortunately we've ended up having arguments over it, because then he thinks he can just drive himself. Ok.....this does not let me relax and take any kind of break. There are just times I have to keep an eye on him every minute....kind of like a toddler. This is when "I'm sorry" comes up. I hear it so often it just feels empty. I know at that moment he is sorry....but he repeats his behaviors so often that it is exhausting. 'Great...I'm glad that you're sorry for keeping me up until 3 am....again...because you are trying to "get things done"...things you should be doing during the daytime hours, but I have to be up at 7am and this is getting really old." Day after day....week after week hearing I'm sorry for the same things over and over....well it loses something. I know a lot of this he can't control.....but sometimes it feels like he just doesn't give a crap. The problem.....he's not the same person. Oh he is still incredibly selfish, he always has been. He still thinks he's funny....and I still roll my eyes at him. But his thought process is so out there. We've had the same conversation at least a handful of times today already. Him wanting me to take him somewhere....me telling him I don't feel good I want to rest while the kids are at school....him saying ok I'm sorry and walking out of the room..... Rinse and Repeat..... And honestly I just have to get used to it. I just have to close my eyes and grin and bear it. I used to say everyday was a little different. I can almost predict how each day is going to be now from the moment I open my eyes in the morning. So....I listen to the 'I'm sorries' and take each moment for what it is. The frustrations are always going to be there....me learning to separate this part of life from the past is a little more trying...but not impossible.
Friday, May 4, 2012
My Strength......
Where do I get my strength? I was asked this question a few months ago, and again yesterday. My answer.... I don't really know. Ok....what a stupid response, because I do know, I just never stopped to think about it. I'm the first to admit, I'm not the brightest person in the world, I'm a little slow on the deep thinking subjects. I don't use 50 cent words because it feels like I'm speaking a foreign language. I like to read...sometimes, and I'm the person that thinks of a great come back 3 days later. So....this morning I woke up and the answer hit me, and because of the conversation I had yesterday I have two new blog posts in my head. Oh happy day.
I think we all have those moments when we just want to wish the world away. When we question everything. Or as I like to call it....my "feel sorry for myself" moments. I have more of these moments than I like to admit to. I would never compare this to depression. Depression is a very serious mental illness. My "feel sorry for myself moments" are more me saying.....THIS IS NOT FAIR!...crying a little...or a lot....and being by myself for a couple of hours. Eventually (if it lasts longer than a day)....I start to get sick of myself being in this state of mind and I tell myself to get over it....and get a grip. Look life is hard...I would never in my lifetime compare my situation to anyone else's. What I'm going through is....hard. I can't describe it any other way. But what we all need to remember is at some time in our lives we will all experience something that is going to be trying. All of us.
I am so fortunate to have incredible people in my life. Men and women...near and far....friends...acquaintances...family. People from all over who have been a part of my life. I believe every person comes into our lives for a reason. I could go on and on about the great examples of strength in my life...everyone having their own stories...their own hardships...their own pain...worries...fears. People in my life who deal with severe depression, loss of a child, loss of loved ones, single parents, parents with children who have special needs, divorce, illness....etc.. I have so many examples of amazing...strong women and men in my life, who inspire me. Everyone has a story. Something they have been through or are currently going through. My situation is not harder...it's just different.
So where do I get my strength? The answer becomes pretty obvious. When I'm in those moments where I just want to walk away, I look to those people in my life who haven't given up. Those people who are struggling or have struggled and still wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring, and face it....good, bad or ugly. But, still have days that they break down...curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes we only know the main thing that people are going through. We don't always know the little things that make life just a little bit tougher some days. Believe it or not there are only a handful of people who know everything that I've gone through in the past few years. The answer... I get my strength from each of you that are a part of my life....from God....from my children. I'm more than blessed to have the kids that I do. Even through the hard times. Kids that have the ability to make me smile or laugh on some really tough days. So... Surround yourself with people who inspire you and when you need the strength to get through those hard times...it will be there....without even thinking about it.
I think we all have those moments when we just want to wish the world away. When we question everything. Or as I like to call it....my "feel sorry for myself" moments. I have more of these moments than I like to admit to. I would never compare this to depression. Depression is a very serious mental illness. My "feel sorry for myself moments" are more me saying.....THIS IS NOT FAIR!...crying a little...or a lot....and being by myself for a couple of hours. Eventually (if it lasts longer than a day)....I start to get sick of myself being in this state of mind and I tell myself to get over it....and get a grip. Look life is hard...I would never in my lifetime compare my situation to anyone else's. What I'm going through is....hard. I can't describe it any other way. But what we all need to remember is at some time in our lives we will all experience something that is going to be trying. All of us.
I am so fortunate to have incredible people in my life. Men and women...near and far....friends...acquaintances...family. People from all over who have been a part of my life. I believe every person comes into our lives for a reason. I could go on and on about the great examples of strength in my life...everyone having their own stories...their own hardships...their own pain...worries...fears. People in my life who deal with severe depression, loss of a child, loss of loved ones, single parents, parents with children who have special needs, divorce, illness....etc.. I have so many examples of amazing...strong women and men in my life, who inspire me. Everyone has a story. Something they have been through or are currently going through. My situation is not harder...it's just different.
So where do I get my strength? The answer becomes pretty obvious. When I'm in those moments where I just want to walk away, I look to those people in my life who haven't given up. Those people who are struggling or have struggled and still wake up every morning not knowing what the day will bring, and face it....good, bad or ugly. But, still have days that they break down...curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes we only know the main thing that people are going through. We don't always know the little things that make life just a little bit tougher some days. Believe it or not there are only a handful of people who know everything that I've gone through in the past few years. The answer... I get my strength from each of you that are a part of my life....from God....from my children. I'm more than blessed to have the kids that I do. Even through the hard times. Kids that have the ability to make me smile or laugh on some really tough days. So... Surround yourself with people who inspire you and when you need the strength to get through those hard times...it will be there....without even thinking about it.
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