Sometimes I Just Get Tired of Hearing.... "I'm Sorry"

"Angie....I'm sorry," I hear this phrase everyday....multiple times a day.  The hardest part of taking care of my husband and going through all this....is watching him deteriorate physically and mentally.  He's aged about 30 or more years it seems in the last couple of years, but more so in the last few months. We have a picture of him on a Jet ski with our oldest son from a family reunion 6 years ago. He was about 80 pounds heavier...stronger. I guess you could say he was a tough guy.  A couple of weeks ago when I had the paramedics here because I needed help getting him up, one of the guys looked at his tattoos and asked what he used to be into.  I just kind of looked at him not understanding his question.  He then asked if he was in a biker gang or something.  I laughed through my tears at that moment, and said "Oh...no...just drugs back in the day".....Well it made the officers and paramedics chuckle.  It was a tense situation...and sometimes I find humor at odd times.  Anyway, this picture was taken before we knew he was sick. He was still drinking at that time....he was a completely different person.  I look at that same man standing in front of me now....He's unsteady when he walks, he has to use a cane.....He's had more than a hand full of times that he has fallen in the last couple of months.  He has a hard time remembering what day it is, conversations he has had. He can't always remember the right words to say. He still has his witty come backs and his personality, but an older version of it.

I've been sick the last week maybe longer. It's just a cold but with so much congestion that my ears are plugged up and I've been a little dizzy the last few days.  I just want rest.  Unfortunately being a mom and a caregiver means I don't always get that.  And this week is just a week I'm not getting much of a chance to just stop and rest.  It doesn't help that every other minute my husband is asking me to take him somewhere.  Each time I look at him and try to explain to him that I don't feel good, I'm not going anywhere.  And unfortunately we've ended up having arguments over it, because then he thinks he can just drive himself.  Ok.....this does not let me relax and take any kind of break.  There are just times I have to keep an eye on him every minute....kind of like a toddler.  This is when "I'm sorry" comes up. I hear it so often it just feels empty.  I know at that moment he is sorry....but he repeats his behaviors so often that it is exhausting.  'Great...I'm glad that you're sorry for keeping me up until 3 am....again...because you are trying to "get things done"...things you should be doing during the daytime hours, but I have to be up at 7am and this is getting really old."  Day after day....week after week hearing I'm sorry for the same things over and over....well it loses something.  I know a lot of this he can't control.....but sometimes it feels like he just doesn't give a crap.  The problem.....he's not the same person.  Oh he is still incredibly selfish, he always has been.  He still thinks he's funny....and I still roll my eyes at him.  But his thought process is so out there.  We've had the same conversation at least a handful of times today already.  Him wanting me to take him somewhere....me telling him I don't feel good I want to rest while the kids are at school....him saying ok I'm sorry and walking out of the room.....  Rinse and Repeat..... And honestly I just have to get used to it.  I just have to close my eyes and grin and bear it.  I used to say everyday was a little different. I can almost predict how each day is going to be now from the moment I open my eyes in the morning.  So....I listen to the 'I'm sorries' and take each moment for what it is. The frustrations are always going to be there....me learning to separate this part of life from the past is a little more trying...but not impossible.