A Little Bump in the Road

The one thing I'm slowly learning about my life, is that I should never become too comfortable. Inevitably when I do life decides to flip me upside down, slap me around a little and dump me on my ass.  I don't know why my life is like this.  I wish I could say I had a perfect loving marriage to a man that takes care of me.  My siblings don't realize just how jealous I am of them.  I don't write about it for attention because I could really care less what people think of me.  I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  I write because for me to stay sane I need to get this all out of my head.  And as weird as this sounds, for me to truly find myself...I needed to go on this journey.  Although I can't say for sure, I probably would have had challenges, trials no matter who I was married to. Even though I don't know for sure what my purpose is here, I'm sure I'm on the right road. 

I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice.  He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse.  His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue.  Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown.  I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment.  I sat and cried.  Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this?  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK.  I didn't want to hear I would be fine.  Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine.  So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot).  However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better.  I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone.  For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now.  Everything is so up in the air.  There is no time frame.  I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice.  I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again.  And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd.  I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again."  Heaven help me.  I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance.  I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on).  and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now.  It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them. 

You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out.  Well no... I haven't.  This is what I learned about myself this last week.  The more I go through, the stronger I become.  There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear.  I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit.  I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years.  Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in.  My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out.  We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.

Saturday Morning....

I don't know about everyone else in the world, but Saturday is usually clean the house day...at least in the morning.  I don't get too picky about this because really my house is lived in and it will NEVER be completely clean.  Every once in a while I get that cleaning bug where I get motivated to clean EVERYTHING....and by the time I finish with one room....I've gotten over my bug.  My walls will never look perfect because I have a son who writes and draws on all of them. He is getting a little better about it, but every once in a while I see a new word or smiley face somewhere.  I don't get upset about it...and sometimes I laugh.  Three words at the top of my stairs in pink permanent marker.... Wii...Leapster...Penis...Tried to remove them....can't....and I'm not painting anytime soon. Maybe he was expressing three things that were important to him that day....who knows.  We get a good laugh over it and go on with our day. (By the way anyone with ideas to remove marker from walls feel free to share).

Today has already been one of those interesting days, I got up and took my oldest son to work and on the way we actually had a real conversation.  One that didn't involve the words....please...that's so unfair....can I....you always say no... I actually feel like we made a half step forward.  When I got home and opened the front door to find my 14 year old son in a mid ninja like move with fly swatter in hand....I just laughed and walked up the stairs.  As I got upstairs I could hear my youngest son talking in his room and I peeked in and saw him chatting away with his cars using different voices and making a movie with his leapster.  When I said "good morning" to him....he jumped, looked at me, smiled and said... "Mom...don't scare me like that."   When I looked in on my daughter....still sleeping room still a mess...I let her sleep (we would have negotiations later on when she would get her Ipod back) and I decided I really needed a workout today after the brownie, cookie, reeses peanut butter cup thing that I made last night that made me sick. 

Right now as I'm writing my 14 yr old is helping his little brother clean his room (voluntarily)....and my daughter, because she really wants her Ipod back today instead of next week has agreed to finish her room, clean the kitchen, clean the living room and I told her she had to do 30 minutes on the elliptical (I threw that one in because sometimes I like being a smart ass).  There is a radio turned up because my kids, like me need music to clean....it makes it so much more tolerable....and I think I'm going to attempt to clean my closet, but I'm going to go get me a diet coke first....No I haven't given up caffeine yet, but I am feeling better with other changes I have made.  Have a great Saturday!

A Need for Change...

OK....so I'm sitting here watching Dr. Oz.  My house is quiet....the kids are all at school, Todd is sleeping.  The subject that he was just talking about was Peri menopausal rage, and as they are talking about it, I'm sitting here in my head thinking...."Oh my gosh...that is me".   I literally have times when I feel nuts. when I get angry.....seriously angry over nothing.  I know my hormones are out of whack.  I say horrible, awful things....my husband is usually the recipient of this....and then when it's over I FEEL AWFUL.  I can get mad just because someone walks in the room at the wrong time. I don't know how many women out there go through this but at least I know I'm not the only one that this happens to.  I'll give you an example....because you know I like to put myself out there.  Conversation between Todd and I last week that set me off...

Todd... "Hey, do you think you can make the bed, I'm going to come in and lay down for a while?"

Me... "Can it wait until later?  I don't really feel good, I can tell my blood pressure is high and I just want to lay here for a little while"

Todd starts making the bed around me, and I throw the covers off the bed and BOOM I blow up...

Me... "My blood pressure is high because I'm stressed out all the time and I'm going to end up having a heart attack and dying.....and YOU....even with your bad liver and diabetes....still smoke and live on junk food and your blood pressure is perfect....I don't get it!

Todd..."Gee Angie....I'm sorry I'm not dying fast enough for you.....

And then I went to my car...went for a drive and cried.  Putting aside every problem in my marriage... That...is NOT me.   We might have a lot of arguments, but I'm not normally mean. 


So...solutions.....birth control....anti depressants.....or cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and I didn't catch all the supplements that you could take but I did hear Omega 3.    Well there is no way in Hell that I'm starting on birth control again, anti depressants...I don't really want another pill.  I've already accepted the fact I need to change my diet...alcohol...no worries there I don't drink....sugar I have mostly (98%) cut that out over the last 3 weeks....caffeine...Ugh.... If it helps at this point I have to be willing to try.  I have 3 diet cokes left in my fridge....I have tried to give this up soooo many times in the past.  I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy.  I'm tired of anger and outbursts coming out of absolutely nowhere.   So I have my chia seeds and my flax seeds and I'm going to seriously try to give up  caffeine. Wish me luck..... And if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this and has any advice please...I'm begging for suggestions, because I'm tired of feeling....crazy.