Finding Inner Peace

"Inner peace begins 

the moment you choose

not to allow

another person or event

to control your emotions"

I saw this the other day and I loved it. It sums up exactly what I'm working toward. Letting the past stay in the past and letting it go, not allowing it to affect me anymore.  Not letting the everyday crap that flies at me  bother me so much. A funny thing happened when I started changing the way I was living, eating better, exercising. I'm slowly becoming that patient, calm person that I used to be. OK not entirely....because I'm so not that perfect but, I've started noticing a difference.  I still get frustrated with Todd and my kids....they all know how to push just the right buttons, however I'm noticing that it takes a little bit more than normal everyday stuff to get me upset anymore. I'm tired of being angry and cranky and in a bad mood just because I've felt stuck, like I've had to put my entire life on hold.  In finding myself....I managed to lose myself.

When Todd and I met and were dating, one of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he was big and strong. He wasn't afraid of anything. I saw him as someone who would protect me, someone that would come to my rescue if I needed rescuing. He was a tough guy. After years of being married to him and listening to his rants when he was drunk, I learned a lot about him.  Sadly I learned more about him when he was drunk than when he was sober during those years. He was a complainer, a "you don't understand or know what I've been through" kind of drunk.  We had some nasty, loud arguments.  I took everything he said personally, I thought everything was my fault. I hated him for a long...long time.  After he quit drinking and we found out how sick he was, I remember looking up information and researching everything.  I couldn't picture what this disease was going to look like in the future. Without alcohol, and after learning he was sick, he became a different person in some ways, and I took it as my opportunity to throw everything back in his face.  All my anger, all my pain...everything. I wanted to make him miserable.  Yea, I really am that big of an ass. I accomplished what I set out to do over the last 4 1/2 years, and of course I don't feel better, it's only made me feel worse.  Because the truth is, he never hated me, he never intended to hurt me, he was never really that tough, and he is scared of a lot of things.  All of his anger and pain that he projected, that I took personally was his own dislike for himself. His own insecurities, his own frustrations with his childhood and his family. His only wanting to please his father enough that he would acknowledge it and feel like his dad really loved him.  Todd has never been capable of being the husband I wanted/needed. He never knew how.  It doesn't excuse any of his behavior. He still is a very selfish person.  He still frustrates the HELL out of me, almost always on a daily basis. He can still manage to piss me off.  However what we deal with now is the present, the past is gone, I'm over it....I can honestly say that. I don't know how much of a future he has. His body continues to decline. His ammonia levels are extremely high, and his blood platelets are extremely low.  The only way he can even be considered to be on the transplant list is for him to quit smoking (6 months before they they would even try to consider), lose about 70 pounds and pass a mental health evaluation.  If I'm being completely honest, I don't think it's going to happen, we've been together 16 years and I know him too well.  My job right now however, isn't to discourage him, so if he wants to try I'll do what I can to help. I've had enough bad Karma from being an evil bitch....it's time to stop, accept what's happening, stop being scared, stop blaming him for everything, and start living life. Because truth is I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone and it does scare me. He may have not been the greatest husband but we are still connected and I'm still not sure how to let go.  He has gotten to the future of this disease, I know what it looks like now. His body is wearing down, he moves a lot slower, he's significantly weaker. It's hard to see, and it's hard some days to remember the person he was.

I guess right  now I can say I'm content. Life is still hard, challenging, crazy, but I'm in a place of acceptance with Todd and it makes everything else go a little bit smoother.  Through this crazy journey we've been on, he's helped me become a stronger person than I ever thought I was capable of being.  I needed to go on this journey. That probably sounds crazy, but it's true. We haven't hit the hardest part by any means, but I know it's coming and I know I love him enough to be his  friend through the rest of it, while continuing to work on finding myself again and that inner peace that I desperately need.

Addiction

Todd and I were talking today on our way to an appointment. What....we actually speak to each other?! It's true, believe it or not we don't always argue, in fact we really don't argue very much at all anymore, and when we do it's because I'm upset with something.  Anyway...he knows he needs to quit smoking, he's not ready to die yet, and he's having a hard time with it. Before I get all sorts of suggestions, he's tried it all.  Over the past many...many years, I've begged and pleaded with him, gotten extremely pissed off at him, given him guilt trips. I tried whatever I could possibly think of to make him see the damage he was doing to get him to think about quitting. He's tried the patch, gum, prescriptions. Obviously none of this has worked. It's his last bad fix, and it started when he was about 14.  I just kind of looked at him and said... "Look, you have two choices...you can quit and possibly extend your life a little while longer.....or not. And only you can make that decision."  In the situation he is in, it has to be that simple. I can't control whether he quits or not, whether he lives or dies. I can't force him to do anything.  I think I've mentioned before that only 10% of people with end stage liver disease make it past the 5 year mark. He's approaching this time and he's scared and he wants to do what he can to extend his life.  His problem his addiction and bad habits and he has to make serious changes in his life.

I think it's fair to say that most if not all of us have some sort of an addiction. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, smoking, junk food, caffeine, whatever.  We all have something that we feel we need.  Mine was caffeine, junk food, sugar.  I had times where I lived on straight junk food.  Candy....ice cream....chips. Bad mood....I'm running to Wendy's for a spicy chicken sandwich, fries and a diet coke.   Why? Good question, and one I'm still working through, because I don't want to go back to that way of eating, or thinking. I don't need that stuff to live, so why am I in such a hurry to die? A little scary to think of it in those terms, but it's true.  How is my addiction to food any different than Todd's addictions.  I could die just as easily from what I was doing to myself as what he has done and is doing now to himself. So I changed, and I seriously changed.  I need food to sustain my life. Trust me I still eat, just a whole Hell of a lot better. But what I have to keep reminding myself is,  I don't need it for pleasure or to relieve pain and stress and boredom.  And trust me I'm not saying this has been easy, it's an ongoing process, just like any addiction. But mentally I  had to go to that place where I  really had to figure out why.  I never understood Todd's addictions, they were "bad" addictions.  drugs, alcohol, smoking.  I never had the desire to do any of the three....really. I just never got it until I faced my own. I can still say I've never tried drugs, and I've never smoked.  I have a lot of people ask if I drink. I guess being married to an alcoholic people just assume I would.  Aside from the fact that I just don't think it's good for you,and I don't really like the taste of it.  I'm married to an alcoholic the smell alone can make me sick. What I'm saying is really, there's no difference between his addiction and mine.  If it's bad enough and your body has been destroyed enough, it all ends the same.

Right now Todd is fighting his addiction with smoking.  It still amazes me how easily (at least it seemed that way) he gave up drugs when he was younger and alcohol 4 1/2 years ago.  Smoking seems to be the hardest of the three. I don't know if he'll ever do it. I know he's scared. I know he's not ready to die, and yet he's doing everything opposite of what he needs to do to try and live maybe even a  little bit longer.  The problem is he won't until he figures out why.  I've tried to talk to him about it, sometimes it ends with him telling me I'm a big jerk and me calling him an Ass, and sometimes it ends with him being really quiet and thinking about the things I've said. It just never quite clicks enough to make him really...really want to change. It's frustrating and addictions suck, they can destroy you in every way if you let them, but it's a decision he has to make. Just like it was my decision and anyone else who truly wants to make a change.

Still On Track

I've been on this weight loss/weight gain roller coaster my whole life.  I hate it.  I've had the same goal since high school.  It's not unrealistic....it's where I should be to be considered "healthy".  Twenty one years ago when I moved to Utah, I was almost there.  I was in better shape (I should say I was smaller) than I was in high school and I was so close. Ugh! I wish I could go back in time when I started going off track and slap myself and say "LOOK... this is what you look like in 20 years."  If only... But I can't, so I've started the battle once again. However, this time I'm fighting the battle differently, I've gotten a little smarter in my old age.  I now have 3 goals.  Because I'm just a little (a lot) farther away from my ultimate goal than I was so many years ago.  So why have I failed so many times?  Well for one, I wasn't blessed with a great metabolism. At least I like to make that excuse.  My real downfall....sugar...carbs.  Up to this point I wasn't willing to give that stuff up. Dieting was always torture, because I felt like I needed to starve myself. I never really ate right anytime that I was on a stupid (and they are stupid) diet in the past. Therefore I continued on the roller coaster.  Exercise.....deprive myself of foods I wanted but not really eating all the right foods.....lose weight......have people tell me I look good....think I'm doing ok so take a break from working out.....start having massive cravings for everything I've told myself  I could never eat again.....give in.....gain weight back plus extra....feel awful about myself......give up for a while.....start all over again.  Get me OFF this DAMN roller coaster!! I've had enough. 

A couple of months ago a few people in my family decided we were going to really support each other....encourage each other to help in our individual goals.  We all have our own struggles that we are working on and it helps to have group support.  I stayed in the background supporting everyone else but not ready to commit.  I had to take a "real" look at myself.  I had to stop making excuses. I had to figure out how to let go of my crutches that I ran to when I was upset or angry or stressed out.   I had to commit to changing my habits.  I like food.....really I like junk food, and of course....diet coke.   Something had to change.  I needed to stop running for my fixes when something went wrong in my life.  So I changed.  OK it wasn't that easy....and it took a few weeks for me to really commit.  I'm not going to lie, having the diet pill that my doctor prescribed helped a lot, but mainly with cravings. The day I started taking it I quit drinking diet cokes.  I only drink water now....3 weeks and counting.  My sugar cravings are gone.  I'm hoping it stays that way.   I'm still working out...I kind of get obsessed about it, I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing for me.  I know when I need to take a day to let my body rest, but honestly I enjoy and look forward to doing something every day.  The weight is coming off and not much longer I'll be at my first goal...where I was 4 years ago.   After that I'll focus on my next goal....where I was 21 years ago. And then my goal I've had forever.   It's a life change for me, because I'm not on a diet.  I don't count calories or weigh myself very often, because it makes me crazy.  I can tell just from the way my clothes fit that what I'm doing is working. My daughter asked me if I was going to start drinking diet coke again after we run our 5K in a couple of months.  The answer...no...I'm not planning on it.  Ha...I might have to change the name of my blog.  Right now I feel good, I'm eating right, I'm not starving myself and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all.  It's so simple and yet my whole life I've made it so hard. For me it's all about balance, keeping myself busy, making myself stronger and sometimes just taking a walk when life starts throwing those damn lemons at me. I guess you could say I've jumped off the roller coaster and switched to a train track, powering forward and keeping my goals in sight.

A Lot On My Mind

I've kind of been in a fog for a while now.  The reality of going back to work is hitting me.....although I still don't know if I have my old job back yet.  The hiring process is unbelievably long. Maybe I'm being over  confident that they should hire me back given I worked there for 6 1/2 years and other than going over a few things to refresh my memory they shouldn't have to train me.  But really at this point who knows? Stranger things have happened and I question nothing anymore. Regardless, I'm trying to get things in my house in order because I have to go back to work somewhere, and soon whether I want to or not.  That's what happens when you have all the responsibility dumped on you like a ton of bricks....which is exactly how it feels....and it sucks.  Over the last year I've taken over everything.  I'm a single parent in a two parent home....and instead of 4 kids I have 5. Ok some would argue it's been that way forever, but now that I get almost no help from Todd I can see just how much he used to do that I don't have a clue how to do.  I have about a million things that need to be taken care of  and I've started working on them a little at a time....and it can be overwhelming.  But, it's all doable. I'm working on freezer meals, so I know everyone will get fed when I'm not here.  I've been Spring cleaning, because let's be honest I was so overwhelmed last year at this time that I did pretty much nothing that I wanted to do.  The closets are getting cleaned out, the clothes that don't fit, the things that haven't been used in years, the stuff that is just bugging the Hell out of me because it's unnecessary clutter, is all getting tossed or going to good will.  The rotating chore charts will be put back up on the fridge, and everyone will have to get used to my schedule again.  The hard part of all of this is knowing I'm giving my kids more responsibility than they deserve.  I feel like I'm going to be dumping a big part of what I've had to deal with when it comes to Todd on them, and that's a hard reality for me to think about. Right now, for the most part he's fine.  It's the things that I can control when I'm here that I can't if I'm not that worry me. Stuff that I never had to worry about before when I was working.  Todd has aged a lot physically and mentally in the last couple of years, more so in the last year.  Some days are just more challenging than others, although most days are fairly normal.   I don't think I've had a good night sleep in a couple of weeks now.  I'm constantly worrying about the kids, the house, money, how and when I need to do this and that, doctor's appointments, etc..... Throw in all the stuff that is on my mind that is upsetting me that I'm trying to not think about.  And I don't know why it's hitting me all so hard right now.  The thing is I know I can deal with this stuff.....I know I can. We are just headed into yet another adjustment that we all have to get used to.  Life is ever changing, but sometimes the change is just a little harder than other times.  So,  every once in awhile I allow myself to go to that place where I feel sorry for myself, because I know when I'm full on in that place I can't stand to be there very long.   I let myself cry, I let myself hate everything, and sit and wonder why I allowed myself to make the decisions that I did to lead me to where I am right now.  And then after a few hours or sometimes as long as a day......I get over it. Because really what else am I going to do?  The thing that happens when I sit there and allow myself to breakdown, is I start coming up with solutions.  I start looking at things from a different perspective, and sometimes the things that I had no idea how to do, I figure out.  It's getting myself to the point of feeling like I'm at the absolute bottom, and forcing myself to look up.  Sometimes the weight of everything going on around me is just too much.  I guess today was one of those days for me. I've let myself cry and get my mind back on track.  And because I didn't want to sit at home, I took my daughter and youngest son to lunch.  Sometimes it's just that easy, sometimes I just need to get out of the middle of the chaos for a couple of hours to focus again. The things I've been worried about are still on my mind, but they aren't as heavy as they were.  I just have to keep reminding myself that life is constantly changing.  We will always have bumps in the road....and I will always find a way to get over them.