A Lot On My Mind

I've kind of been in a fog for a while now.  The reality of going back to work is hitting me.....although I still don't know if I have my old job back yet.  The hiring process is unbelievably long. Maybe I'm being over  confident that they should hire me back given I worked there for 6 1/2 years and other than going over a few things to refresh my memory they shouldn't have to train me.  But really at this point who knows? Stranger things have happened and I question nothing anymore. Regardless, I'm trying to get things in my house in order because I have to go back to work somewhere, and soon whether I want to or not.  That's what happens when you have all the responsibility dumped on you like a ton of bricks....which is exactly how it feels....and it sucks.  Over the last year I've taken over everything.  I'm a single parent in a two parent home....and instead of 4 kids I have 5. Ok some would argue it's been that way forever, but now that I get almost no help from Todd I can see just how much he used to do that I don't have a clue how to do.  I have about a million things that need to be taken care of  and I've started working on them a little at a time....and it can be overwhelming.  But, it's all doable. I'm working on freezer meals, so I know everyone will get fed when I'm not here.  I've been Spring cleaning, because let's be honest I was so overwhelmed last year at this time that I did pretty much nothing that I wanted to do.  The closets are getting cleaned out, the clothes that don't fit, the things that haven't been used in years, the stuff that is just bugging the Hell out of me because it's unnecessary clutter, is all getting tossed or going to good will.  The rotating chore charts will be put back up on the fridge, and everyone will have to get used to my schedule again.  The hard part of all of this is knowing I'm giving my kids more responsibility than they deserve.  I feel like I'm going to be dumping a big part of what I've had to deal with when it comes to Todd on them, and that's a hard reality for me to think about. Right now, for the most part he's fine.  It's the things that I can control when I'm here that I can't if I'm not that worry me. Stuff that I never had to worry about before when I was working.  Todd has aged a lot physically and mentally in the last couple of years, more so in the last year.  Some days are just more challenging than others, although most days are fairly normal.   I don't think I've had a good night sleep in a couple of weeks now.  I'm constantly worrying about the kids, the house, money, how and when I need to do this and that, doctor's appointments, etc..... Throw in all the stuff that is on my mind that is upsetting me that I'm trying to not think about.  And I don't know why it's hitting me all so hard right now.  The thing is I know I can deal with this stuff.....I know I can. We are just headed into yet another adjustment that we all have to get used to.  Life is ever changing, but sometimes the change is just a little harder than other times.  So,  every once in awhile I allow myself to go to that place where I feel sorry for myself, because I know when I'm full on in that place I can't stand to be there very long.   I let myself cry, I let myself hate everything, and sit and wonder why I allowed myself to make the decisions that I did to lead me to where I am right now.  And then after a few hours or sometimes as long as a day......I get over it. Because really what else am I going to do?  The thing that happens when I sit there and allow myself to breakdown, is I start coming up with solutions.  I start looking at things from a different perspective, and sometimes the things that I had no idea how to do, I figure out.  It's getting myself to the point of feeling like I'm at the absolute bottom, and forcing myself to look up.  Sometimes the weight of everything going on around me is just too much.  I guess today was one of those days for me. I've let myself cry and get my mind back on track.  And because I didn't want to sit at home, I took my daughter and youngest son to lunch.  Sometimes it's just that easy, sometimes I just need to get out of the middle of the chaos for a couple of hours to focus again. The things I've been worried about are still on my mind, but they aren't as heavy as they were.  I just have to keep reminding myself that life is constantly changing.  We will always have bumps in the road....and I will always find a way to get over them.