Ok before I start getting people wishing me Happy Birthday, I still have a couple of weeks....so let me enjoy my last couple of weeks in my 30's. The funny thing is I've always said age is just a number. I would say 95% of the time I actually believe this. It's really how you feel that matters. I don't feel any different now than I did 15 even 20 years ago. I've been married for 14 1/2 years.... My oldest son is almost 18 my youngest 8....and I have moments when I'm sitting with my 4 kids and I look at them and think.....who hit the fast forward button? I swear I can remember very clearly one day sitting at my kitchen table...my youngest was 1 in a high chair...my others 6..7..and 10...and thinking I wonder what it's going to be like when they get older? I'm telling you....it feels like I was thinking this yesterday....last week....not 7 years ago. Didn't I just graduate from high school.....go to college....get married?
I'll admit I did let the fact that I'm turning 40 get to me....for a couple of days. I think it's the shock of it all. That moment when you say "Holy crap....40?!" But then....I started looking back at my life. I may not feel different....but I have changed so much. The way I look at life, my goals, my dreams...what I've learned. Back then I was shy, naive, I had zero self confidence, I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted out of life. And I realized, I'm ok with where I am right now. I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the future. I even love the age that my kids are at. I might have 3 teenagers with full on teenager attitudes...but it's nice to be able to have conversations with them about their dreams and life and what they think and worry about and I love that we have that kind of a relationship. And my youngest is so sweet and full of life...he is my sunshine everyday.
So yep...I'm turning 40 and honestly it's not a big deal....I'm not someone that really does birthday parties. I would rather have a get together and bbq with friends and family on a random day than have a party for myself. I would rather go out and buy something that I need for my birthday than have people give me presents. I gave up on my husband buying me presents long ago...we just don't have the same taste and he's sentimental....and buys things that he thinks I would like. After the birthday that he took me shopping for a sewing machine...(I don't sew...not then...not now...not ever) and I hurt his feelings, because this was something he really wanted to get for me... I decided just to tell him, please don't worry about my birthday. I still have the sewing machine...I still don't understand why he had to buy it for me when I told him I didn't want it....and I've still never used it 10years or more later although my daughter does, so I've handed it down. For me, my birthday is just another day....with cake and ice cream. I'm perfectly happy just spending it with my family....No presents needed. And I've decided I like being the age that I am...20 was nice, when I was 20. But I like still feeling like I'm in my 20's and knowing so much more. It's really not a bad thing. 40....whatever...it's just a number.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The Talk....
For about the past week....really since I came home from our reunion I've been in an ornery...depressed....bitchy....I don't want to get out of bed and do anything so leave me alone kind of mood. I have gotten up and done things and gone on with my life, but in the quiet rare moments when I'm by myself.....I just can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Last week I had a day that I stayed in bed until about 2 in the afternoon... I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to talk to anyone, when my kids opened my door I pretended I was still sleeping (It's a good thing my kids are older). I laid there thinking about life, about the future and wishing I just knew what to do. I finally got myself up...got dressed...and walked out the front door. My kids all looked at me and asked where I was going....my only reply...."Out keep an eye on your little brother." I drove around my town, paid a couple of bills, stopped at the local Chevron for a drink....and found myself parked in front of the cemetery. I just sat there....thinking...crying. I came to two conclusions. Before my husband dies he needs to be at peace.....The thing is I don't know how this is going to happen. I know it's important for him and me to be....OK. Man have I struggled with this one, because for me and him to be ok....I have to be ok. I'm working on it and getting there. I realized I can't continue to hurt him/ punish him for the past just to make myself feel better.....trust me, it doesn't work. But I know that WE are getting closer to being alright. The hard part would be...him and his dad. He NEEDS to talk to his dad about the past...and his dad avoids the questions. I don't know if Todd can be at peace if he doesn't feel like his dad even loves him. It's a tougher situation than even him and I....at least we hash it all out...get it out into the open and try to resolve it.....try being the most important word. His dad basically says what's in the past is the past get over it. Yes...maybe....but not in this case. So I'm trying to help him with this.
The second thing I decided as I drove through the cemetery...where my dad is...my grandparents...my nephew....generations of relatives...is that I needed to sit down with Todd and have "the talk". The one I have avoided since the year we found out he was sick. All the things I didn't want to think about because it starts to make everything too real. You would think I would have thought about some of this stuff, when he was in the hospital....when I was fighting with his family about what his wishes were while he was laying there in a medically induced coma. I wasn't thinking about anything then...except driving to the hospital everyday and driving home. So yesterday I sat down...and let him know what I've been thinking about, what I've been worrying about. Getting his affairs in order...so to speak. I want everything decided...the funeral...where he wants to be buried...what he wants to do with his stuff....Names that our oldest son who I adopted needs if he ever chooses to go looking. Stuff that I don't know...that I need to know. He had a hard time with this conversation, and I'm not going to push him to get it all done at once....little by little. But, I don't want to fight with his family when he's gone, I want everything clear, so there is no question. And I know that I won't be thinking clearly enough to make decisions afterwards. I can't even imagine how hard all of this is for him....and now I'm telling him we need to start planning things....but it needs to be done. So my mood has been a little off.... But at least we have things out in the open....dealing with the subjects we have been avoiding....because it's hard...and it sucks.....but at least trying to deal with them. And we are taking moments to find some peace and smile even if it's little things like the whole family wanting to go with me to return a movie...2 minutes away from our house and then stopping off at Dairy Queen for some ice cream. We still have to live life....and we still have to carry on...even on the hard days...
The second thing I decided as I drove through the cemetery...where my dad is...my grandparents...my nephew....generations of relatives...is that I needed to sit down with Todd and have "the talk". The one I have avoided since the year we found out he was sick. All the things I didn't want to think about because it starts to make everything too real. You would think I would have thought about some of this stuff, when he was in the hospital....when I was fighting with his family about what his wishes were while he was laying there in a medically induced coma. I wasn't thinking about anything then...except driving to the hospital everyday and driving home. So yesterday I sat down...and let him know what I've been thinking about, what I've been worrying about. Getting his affairs in order...so to speak. I want everything decided...the funeral...where he wants to be buried...what he wants to do with his stuff....Names that our oldest son who I adopted needs if he ever chooses to go looking. Stuff that I don't know...that I need to know. He had a hard time with this conversation, and I'm not going to push him to get it all done at once....little by little. But, I don't want to fight with his family when he's gone, I want everything clear, so there is no question. And I know that I won't be thinking clearly enough to make decisions afterwards. I can't even imagine how hard all of this is for him....and now I'm telling him we need to start planning things....but it needs to be done. So my mood has been a little off.... But at least we have things out in the open....dealing with the subjects we have been avoiding....because it's hard...and it sucks.....but at least trying to deal with them. And we are taking moments to find some peace and smile even if it's little things like the whole family wanting to go with me to return a movie...2 minutes away from our house and then stopping off at Dairy Queen for some ice cream. We still have to live life....and we still have to carry on...even on the hard days...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Back to Reality...
I think the last two weeks have quite possibly been the craziest, most stressful....that I've had in a long time. Last week, we (my four kids and I) traveled to Gatlinburg, Tn for my family reunion with my six siblings their families and our mom. Every other year we choose another random spot to go. It is pretty much the only time we are all ever in one place. I love it... I love seeing my brothers and sisters that I don't see very often and my cute nieces and nephews that are growing up so fast. This year I didn't know if I was going to be there, especially with everything we are dealing with at home. My mom would ask me if I was going and all I could say was.... I don't know. She finally ended up just getting plane tickets and saying we'll see what happens. My stress began when I knew I was going to have to tell my husband I was going but he wasn't. He physically couldn't make the trip....and he would have been so exhausted by the time we got there. It just wouldn't have been worth it for him to go.....well we've gone and come home....and he's still upset about it. I've come to the conclusion that in my life whatever decision I make I'm always going to hurt someone. It would really be nice if one day it didn't have to be that way. Anyway.... the two weeks before we left I was filled with anxiety. As I get older I hate flying more and more....so my sleep was off, I was having awful dreams and I couldn't get myself excited about going. I had to figure out how I was getting my husband to the place he was supposed to stay.... because of course his family wouldn't help. I had to figure out what to do with the dog...and the fish. And I had to buy clothes that actually fit my children since I had a couple go through major growth spurts this year. It was a lot of running around and making sure I had everything I needed. (You have to understand....aside from these family reunions...since I've been married I haven't been on vacation in the last 14 years). Finally the week before, I got everything worked out....Todd ended up staying home, because he refused to go to the nursing home...and we had someone check on him daily. Everything else just fell into place.
The day before we left....my car died...well it decided to start over heating. My only car that works....what I was supposed to drive to the airport. I knew I could get a ride to the airport (and we did)....it was the fact that I was going to come home to a car I had to fix.....and I cried. Then the fun began. Now I don't know if you've ever had the joy of flying to or through Atlanta....but unless I'm visiting my sister in Georgia....I will never go there again. We arrived in Atlanta on time and had a 2 hour lay over before our flight to North Carolina...2 hours turned into 3...then 4 then 5...and then they canceled it altogether. I only had 5 days on this trip...I had already known that 2 of those days would be spent traveling....We couldn't get on a flight until the next morning. My 3 days of rest...recharging my batteries so to speak...was cut down to 2 1/2. I was stressed and upset, but I couldn't wait to see everyone so I pushed it all aside. We had a 2 hour drive through the Smoky mountains...it was nice. I like driving....I prefer driving. I was totally contemplating just driving home after the reunion to avoid flying altogether. When we finally got to our destination I felt like I could breath a little.
It was 2 1/2 days that were packed with things to do...and we had so much fun. I was glad that we went. I forced myself to be around everyone...because even though I was glad to be there....my emotions were always close to the surface. It was hard looking around and seeing my siblings with their spouses. I was alone.....and I felt very much alone....it could have been very depressing....but I kept busy. We wore ourselves out. It was a full and well spent 2 1/2 days. I wasn't gone long enough to relax....but it's ok. My last night there....I spent up all night with the stomach flu. One of those REALLY?!?!? moments. I honestly spent a lot of my vacation thinking that Karma was coming back on me. Between the car and the canceled flight and the stomach flu....good grief...I can never do anything and have it be easy. We got home safe and sound...and on time...and I managed not to puke on the flight home after the night I had had. Got up the next morning and checked on and weeded my gardens...all was good...and then I slipped down my stairs and sprained my foot.....again...REALLY?!?!? Well....I can't complain too much I got to stay in bed for 2 days and got some rest. And the pain isn't too bad anymore. The car is getting fixed...hopefully I'll have something to drive again tomorrow...and life goes on. All I can do is look back over the past couple of weeks and be thankful....it may have felt like a dream because it went by so fast...but I'm glad we went. I'm glad we had that time together...and I'm so very thankful to have the family that I do.
The day before we left....my car died...well it decided to start over heating. My only car that works....what I was supposed to drive to the airport. I knew I could get a ride to the airport (and we did)....it was the fact that I was going to come home to a car I had to fix.....and I cried. Then the fun began. Now I don't know if you've ever had the joy of flying to or through Atlanta....but unless I'm visiting my sister in Georgia....I will never go there again. We arrived in Atlanta on time and had a 2 hour lay over before our flight to North Carolina...2 hours turned into 3...then 4 then 5...and then they canceled it altogether. I only had 5 days on this trip...I had already known that 2 of those days would be spent traveling....We couldn't get on a flight until the next morning. My 3 days of rest...recharging my batteries so to speak...was cut down to 2 1/2. I was stressed and upset, but I couldn't wait to see everyone so I pushed it all aside. We had a 2 hour drive through the Smoky mountains...it was nice. I like driving....I prefer driving. I was totally contemplating just driving home after the reunion to avoid flying altogether. When we finally got to our destination I felt like I could breath a little.
It was 2 1/2 days that were packed with things to do...and we had so much fun. I was glad that we went. I forced myself to be around everyone...because even though I was glad to be there....my emotions were always close to the surface. It was hard looking around and seeing my siblings with their spouses. I was alone.....and I felt very much alone....it could have been very depressing....but I kept busy. We wore ourselves out. It was a full and well spent 2 1/2 days. I wasn't gone long enough to relax....but it's ok. My last night there....I spent up all night with the stomach flu. One of those REALLY?!?!? moments. I honestly spent a lot of my vacation thinking that Karma was coming back on me. Between the car and the canceled flight and the stomach flu....good grief...I can never do anything and have it be easy. We got home safe and sound...and on time...and I managed not to puke on the flight home after the night I had had. Got up the next morning and checked on and weeded my gardens...all was good...and then I slipped down my stairs and sprained my foot.....again...REALLY?!?!? Well....I can't complain too much I got to stay in bed for 2 days and got some rest. And the pain isn't too bad anymore. The car is getting fixed...hopefully I'll have something to drive again tomorrow...and life goes on. All I can do is look back over the past couple of weeks and be thankful....it may have felt like a dream because it went by so fast...but I'm glad we went. I'm glad we had that time together...and I'm so very thankful to have the family that I do.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Yay! I'm Going on Vacation
For the past few weeks...maybe longer, I've known that I was taking the kids and going to my family reunion. It's in July....so, very soon, and it's out of state. The problem.....telling my husband. Why? Because I'm not married to someone who is that understanding. "Women do not go on vacation without their husbands." Yes he has actually said this to me before. Not only that, he can't stay home alone. This means he will have to stay in a nursing home. So.... I've been stressing over telling him and have put it off and put it off....until today.
A funny thing happens when you push me, just..far..enough. I suddenly just don't care anymore. This week....Ugh...this week....has been filled with complete frustration. I'm not really going into everything. Same old same old. I was sick this week, for a couple of days I was in bed with a fever. I forget, I'm not actually allowed to be sick. I'm married to a man that requires my full attention, who doesn't give a crap if I'm sick...especially when he neeeeds (wants) to go somewhere. To all women out there.....If you are married to someone who takes care of you..even a little bit when you're not feeling well. If you are married to someone who cleans and helps with the kids and shares even a tiny bit of the responsibilities in your home. I hope you tell him "thank you" often. Because we don't all have that and I'm totally jealous of you. Anywhooo.... This morning I was woken up not once....not twice...but three different times. By three different people. The last one being Todd.... "Angie"....."Angie"......"Angie"......WHAT?! "I need you to take me to the Home Depot I got the wrong glue yesterday." (I won't even go into the fact that I have no idea why I spent 2 hours at Home Depot yesterday....for glue...for some project that will never get done). Great....is it possible that I can finish sleeping now? (He completely ignores this statement)... "I'll be downstairs waiting...hurry up...you don't need to shower." Now I could have gone back to sleep at this point, but knowing this man that I've lived with for 14 years as well as I do, that wasn't ever going to happen. So I got up..... and after I got mad about something in the car and he made the comment.. "I don't know what I did to make you so mad at me this morning.." I said...screw it... and told him about the vacation and that he wasn't going to be able to go. Was he upset? Yes. As bad as I thought it would be? No. I'm going to be hearing about it for the next who knows how long. And he will try his hardest to make me feel guilty...not going to happen. And I don't care. I'm glad I finally told him.. it still doesn't feel like it's really going to happen. I won't believe I'm going until I'm sitting on the plane. But the hard part is done and now I can work on getting ready to go.
A funny thing happens when you push me, just..far..enough. I suddenly just don't care anymore. This week....Ugh...this week....has been filled with complete frustration. I'm not really going into everything. Same old same old. I was sick this week, for a couple of days I was in bed with a fever. I forget, I'm not actually allowed to be sick. I'm married to a man that requires my full attention, who doesn't give a crap if I'm sick...especially when he neeeeds (wants) to go somewhere. To all women out there.....If you are married to someone who takes care of you..even a little bit when you're not feeling well. If you are married to someone who cleans and helps with the kids and shares even a tiny bit of the responsibilities in your home. I hope you tell him "thank you" often. Because we don't all have that and I'm totally jealous of you. Anywhooo.... This morning I was woken up not once....not twice...but three different times. By three different people. The last one being Todd.... "Angie"....."Angie"......"Angie"......WHAT?! "I need you to take me to the Home Depot I got the wrong glue yesterday." (I won't even go into the fact that I have no idea why I spent 2 hours at Home Depot yesterday....for glue...for some project that will never get done). Great....is it possible that I can finish sleeping now? (He completely ignores this statement)... "I'll be downstairs waiting...hurry up...you don't need to shower." Now I could have gone back to sleep at this point, but knowing this man that I've lived with for 14 years as well as I do, that wasn't ever going to happen. So I got up..... and after I got mad about something in the car and he made the comment.. "I don't know what I did to make you so mad at me this morning.." I said...screw it... and told him about the vacation and that he wasn't going to be able to go. Was he upset? Yes. As bad as I thought it would be? No. I'm going to be hearing about it for the next who knows how long. And he will try his hardest to make me feel guilty...not going to happen. And I don't care. I'm glad I finally told him.. it still doesn't feel like it's really going to happen. I won't believe I'm going until I'm sitting on the plane. But the hard part is done and now I can work on getting ready to go.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Drawing a Line
There is just something about sitting on my back porch in the morning. Listening to the birds, a slight breeze in the air and having a million thoughts running through my head. Ok....so I can hear the cars on the freeway....but after 14 years of living here, Eh...I'm pretty used to it. I like having the mornings to myself. I have 3 days until school is out for the summer and I want to enjoy as much of that time as I can. (Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with my kids, I just know I won't get much time to myself for the next 2 1/2 months). In fact, I just got irritated with my son who skipped his first period class today. "When exactly are you leaving? This is my alone time and I would like to be a...lone." Nice parenting...I know. So I'm on my back porch writing this in a notebook, because I don't want to be anywhere near a computer right now.
I've had this post running through my head for a while. It's putting it into the right words that has been the hard part. I have no problem talking about my husband's alcoholism...now, but, I hid it for years....we hid it for years. I was a true enabler in every sense of the word. When he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis our families really didn't understand why. I had to start talking. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the life I had chosen, for what I let myself put up with. Years of shame, hurt, tears....fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not really knowing what he was capable of when he was in that state of mind. Fear of what he would do if I left, and fear of having to do everything alone. I was miserable, I had no one to talk to about what I was going through, and I was alone. I've talked about this before, but after my husband quit drinking, I changed. I was becoming my own person. I started wearing make up again and doing my hair. When he was drinking, he had a paranoid jealousy thing going on. If I made myself look nice to go to work, he was automatically suspicious that I was trying to impress somebody. When he quit drinking that behavior stopped, for the most part. The funny thing is I never looked at other guys. I was married...I didn't need to. That's not something I thought about.
So what changed with me? Ha...funny enough....I had an affair...long distance. (Judge me if you want....I don't care). I started talking to a guy I knew when I was younger and I can only explain it as an instant connection. I wasn't looking for someone to talk to....it started with a Hey, how are you? How's your family? We ended up talking almost everyday sometimes hours at a time...about anything, everything, the past, our different memories of the people we knew. I laughed so much when we talked, and...I fell in love with him. For a little over a year, I. was. happy. When he told me he loved me, I wanted to jump on the next plane...and I couldn't. He and I never talked about why I couldn't leave. I avoided that conversation. It wasn't because I loved my husband, it was because I understood how sick he really was (is). I couldn't take our kids away from him, and have them lose that time with him, no matter my feelings. It's been 2 years since the last time we talked, I hurt him...and he walked away...and my heart was shattered. I still miss him everyday. Yes my husband knows... I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did. It is what it is. I hurt my husband....I hurt the man I fell in love with...and I hurt myself. And I deserved it...period.
So here I am... putting myself out there. Why? to show you I'm human. My husband will never really understand what he did in our marriage to hurt me. What could he have possibly done? Our marriage was perfect.....with beer goggles on....I suppose it was. And towards the end I contributed my fair share to our dysfunction. I don't wear my wedding ring anymore. It just doesn't feel right. The main point is I have to accept that he will never fully understand. Nothing I do or say will make him see what things were really like. I have to draw a line and say....I'm not going to that place anymore. When he is no longer with us, I will draw another line. I will no longer revisit the past, except with my kids. They are the only ones that will need to talk about it. For me, the alcoholism...the hurt, will be a chapter in my life that will be closed forever. I refuse to take that part of my past into my future. I'll leave fate to sort everything else out. So, I draw a line and know that it's ok to just. let. it. go.
I've had this post running through my head for a while. It's putting it into the right words that has been the hard part. I have no problem talking about my husband's alcoholism...now, but, I hid it for years....we hid it for years. I was a true enabler in every sense of the word. When he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis our families really didn't understand why. I had to start talking. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the life I had chosen, for what I let myself put up with. Years of shame, hurt, tears....fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not really knowing what he was capable of when he was in that state of mind. Fear of what he would do if I left, and fear of having to do everything alone. I was miserable, I had no one to talk to about what I was going through, and I was alone. I've talked about this before, but after my husband quit drinking, I changed. I was becoming my own person. I started wearing make up again and doing my hair. When he was drinking, he had a paranoid jealousy thing going on. If I made myself look nice to go to work, he was automatically suspicious that I was trying to impress somebody. When he quit drinking that behavior stopped, for the most part. The funny thing is I never looked at other guys. I was married...I didn't need to. That's not something I thought about.
So what changed with me? Ha...funny enough....I had an affair...long distance. (Judge me if you want....I don't care). I started talking to a guy I knew when I was younger and I can only explain it as an instant connection. I wasn't looking for someone to talk to....it started with a Hey, how are you? How's your family? We ended up talking almost everyday sometimes hours at a time...about anything, everything, the past, our different memories of the people we knew. I laughed so much when we talked, and...I fell in love with him. For a little over a year, I. was. happy. When he told me he loved me, I wanted to jump on the next plane...and I couldn't. He and I never talked about why I couldn't leave. I avoided that conversation. It wasn't because I loved my husband, it was because I understood how sick he really was (is). I couldn't take our kids away from him, and have them lose that time with him, no matter my feelings. It's been 2 years since the last time we talked, I hurt him...and he walked away...and my heart was shattered. I still miss him everyday. Yes my husband knows... I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did. It is what it is. I hurt my husband....I hurt the man I fell in love with...and I hurt myself. And I deserved it...period.
So here I am... putting myself out there. Why? to show you I'm human. My husband will never really understand what he did in our marriage to hurt me. What could he have possibly done? Our marriage was perfect.....with beer goggles on....I suppose it was. And towards the end I contributed my fair share to our dysfunction. I don't wear my wedding ring anymore. It just doesn't feel right. The main point is I have to accept that he will never fully understand. Nothing I do or say will make him see what things were really like. I have to draw a line and say....I'm not going to that place anymore. When he is no longer with us, I will draw another line. I will no longer revisit the past, except with my kids. They are the only ones that will need to talk about it. For me, the alcoholism...the hurt, will be a chapter in my life that will be closed forever. I refuse to take that part of my past into my future. I'll leave fate to sort everything else out. So, I draw a line and know that it's ok to just. let. it. go.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
A Little Lecture....or Pep Talk.... Whatever You Want to Call it.
So I've had two other posts (one that I'm probably not going to write about) in my head for the last week. However due to the events of earlier in the day, I chose something completely different for today. Although not completely different from past posts, just completely different from what was in my head.
I've expressed my frustrations with my oldest son before. I mentioned how he was put on house arrest for 30 days due to his choices that he has made. He's been off of house arrest for exactly 9 days....and we're back to square one. It's extremely frustrating. Today I had to go pick him up from the local McDonald's because he got into a fight with a kid from school. Let me just take this opportunity to say how much I appreciate our local officers....I just don't like to get phone calls from them. Now he faces another court date and all the consequences that come with it.
On the way home we were kind of talking.....arguing...and I asked whose fault it was that he had friends that were bad influences...that were contributing to him making all these "bad" choices. Silly me thought he would take responsibility and say, "Well...it's my fault." To my surprise he said, "It's YOUR fault." (meaning me...his mom). Excuse me....How exactly is it MY fault that you've changed your friends and started hanging out with kids that you end up getting in trouble with? I didn't go to school and say..."Hey, those kids look like a group of bad asses....why don't you go hang with them and see how much trouble you can get into." BULL SHIT!! If you want to talk to me about what happened....come talk to me. If you're going to blame me for your actions the conversation will be over and you can go cry to your therapist and the judge and see what they say. Look I'm not saying he wasn't given a bad hand...he's had to deal with a lot in his life. In NO way, shape or form does that give anyone an excuse to break the law...period.
So I walked into the house.....and he sat in the car for about 10 minutes...before he came in my room to talk about it. Well....before he came in my room trying to convince me it wasn't his fault and he really was trying to change. And cue the lecture... I'm actually kind of proud of myself today. I didn't lose it and I didn't go on for hours and hours. In a nutshell I looked at him and said...If you truly want to change....show me. Words to me are just words they mean absolutely nothing. I've been burned too many times. I'm not talking about changing for a day or a week or a month.....the true test is if you can keep it going. So don't stand there and tell me you want to change and then do absolutely nothing about it....prove it. Second......I would NEVER let anyone else take credit for my choices....my actions....my mistakes. They are mine and mine alone. I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for the choices that I've made....the mistakes that I made. They make me.....me. Good...bad...and ugly. Don't blame anyone else for the choices you make, because all it will do is make you angry and miserable. Take your mistakes and learn from them. We all make them, I guarantee I'll be making mistakes for the rest of my life. Then a little of I wish you could see your full potential...you could be doing so much more, because you have so much more to give... My usual lecture stuff. It really is frustrating because he has so many strengths....but he is so angry and he can't see past that right now.
He left for work shortly after and my daughter turned to me and said "Good pep talk Mom." Really?... "Yea I'm being serious." Well I'm glad somebody got something out of it. "Mom...I always learn good stuff from you." By the way....Love that she called it a pep talk and not a lecture... Maybe just maybe there is a little bit of hope after all. Let's all have a great weekend!
I've expressed my frustrations with my oldest son before. I mentioned how he was put on house arrest for 30 days due to his choices that he has made. He's been off of house arrest for exactly 9 days....and we're back to square one. It's extremely frustrating. Today I had to go pick him up from the local McDonald's because he got into a fight with a kid from school. Let me just take this opportunity to say how much I appreciate our local officers....I just don't like to get phone calls from them. Now he faces another court date and all the consequences that come with it.
On the way home we were kind of talking.....arguing...and I asked whose fault it was that he had friends that were bad influences...that were contributing to him making all these "bad" choices. Silly me thought he would take responsibility and say, "Well...it's my fault." To my surprise he said, "It's YOUR fault." (meaning me...his mom). Excuse me....How exactly is it MY fault that you've changed your friends and started hanging out with kids that you end up getting in trouble with? I didn't go to school and say..."Hey, those kids look like a group of bad asses....why don't you go hang with them and see how much trouble you can get into." BULL SHIT!! If you want to talk to me about what happened....come talk to me. If you're going to blame me for your actions the conversation will be over and you can go cry to your therapist and the judge and see what they say. Look I'm not saying he wasn't given a bad hand...he's had to deal with a lot in his life. In NO way, shape or form does that give anyone an excuse to break the law...period.
So I walked into the house.....and he sat in the car for about 10 minutes...before he came in my room to talk about it. Well....before he came in my room trying to convince me it wasn't his fault and he really was trying to change. And cue the lecture... I'm actually kind of proud of myself today. I didn't lose it and I didn't go on for hours and hours. In a nutshell I looked at him and said...If you truly want to change....show me. Words to me are just words they mean absolutely nothing. I've been burned too many times. I'm not talking about changing for a day or a week or a month.....the true test is if you can keep it going. So don't stand there and tell me you want to change and then do absolutely nothing about it....prove it. Second......I would NEVER let anyone else take credit for my choices....my actions....my mistakes. They are mine and mine alone. I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for the choices that I've made....the mistakes that I made. They make me.....me. Good...bad...and ugly. Don't blame anyone else for the choices you make, because all it will do is make you angry and miserable. Take your mistakes and learn from them. We all make them, I guarantee I'll be making mistakes for the rest of my life. Then a little of I wish you could see your full potential...you could be doing so much more, because you have so much more to give... My usual lecture stuff. It really is frustrating because he has so many strengths....but he is so angry and he can't see past that right now.
He left for work shortly after and my daughter turned to me and said "Good pep talk Mom." Really?... "Yea I'm being serious." Well I'm glad somebody got something out of it. "Mom...I always learn good stuff from you." By the way....Love that she called it a pep talk and not a lecture... Maybe just maybe there is a little bit of hope after all. Let's all have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Some Days are Overwhelming and.....Lonely
It's not that I don't have people to talk to, I do. And I talk a lot. But some days, I hit that point where I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. When I feel like I have no one and I feel like nobody really cares. Now I know this isn't really the case. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of people who care about me. Even if they don't quite understand everything, they still love me and would help me if I asked. But....it's lonely.
Yesterday I had my youngest sons IEP meeting. Well it was an addendum to his IEP, just adding more time out of the his regular classroom to his resource class. I sat in the room by myself, with his teacher, resource teacher, speech teacher, school psychologist and principal. I haven't been the greatest parent when it comes to school this year. I haven't kept up on his school work. And so I got a little lecture on him needing to understand that he needs to do his school work and bring it back. Strike one for mom. His teacher also brought up that he has been really tired at school lately and even fell asleep one day. Hinting that maybe he is going to bed too late. Well...no he isn't. He goes to bed by 8p.m. Lately he has been waking up a lot during the night. Bad dreams...needing to go to the bathroom....needing a drink. I guess strike two for mom. And then the big one....his having a hard time concentrating on what he is supposed to be doing....the ADD....the hint...hint...we really want you to try medication. Strike three. I get that he has ADD....I get that maybe we need to try medication. But if they would have stopped and listened to themselves and what they were telling me they were observing (and I'm really surprised the school psychologist said nothing)...they would have seen a bigger picture.
This is what I got from the meeting. Well.....first let me explain the relationship between my little guy and his daddy. They are best buddies. Anytime he would go to Dr.'s appointments with us in the past, he would hold his dad's hand and tell whoever he was seeing to be careful and not hurt him. Now...I find them together a lot. My son holding his dad's hand helping him walk down the hallway....sitting next to each other at Todd's bed side table eating dinner. Always asking if they can have a "sleep over". Which means snuggling up and watching tv together later than normal until they both fall asleep. (I only allow this on the weekends). Their conversations make me smile, sometimes because they make absolutely no sense. This little boy that blessed our dysfunctional little family holds us all together. He is our little ray of sunshine, but he feels everything. He knows daddy is very sick, and until yesterday I didn't put together and realize how much it was affecting him. So....when his teacher told me about his Mother's Day card that he made (that he never gave me...typical), that had a picture of his dad and the word "SAD" in bubble letters....I broke down. I pretty much cried through rest of the meeting. The not being able to concentrate, being tired, not wanting to go to school. There is so much more that my little boy is dealing with, that is affecting him...other than ADD. How could they not see it when it is so very clear. He understands far more than I gave him credit for, and he is worried about his daddy. Yes I will try medication to help with things, in the long run it may make a difference. Do I think it will right now? No I don't. I left the meeting in tears, I cried more a little while afterward. Some days I can't handle all of this. Some days it is all too much.
Today, I was laying on the bed crying, (yes...still crying). My husband has had a few really bad days this week. He has really bad wounds on his ankles and they are hurting him a lot. If he would stay off of his feet it would help. The problem....when his brain is telling him he needs to get things done, he doesn't think about how it is affecting his legs. His thought process just isn't the same as yours or mine now. I can't talk to him about what is going on with our youngest son, it's getting harder to explain things like this to him. This morning when I was crying he asked if I was ok....I shook my head yes...and as he walked out of the room he asked if I would make the bed. I just closed my eyes because I realized I really can't have those conversations with him anymore. The conversations where he asks me tell him what is wrong. He's very childlike right now. He walks around singing all the time, making up words to songs. Not going to lie....it gets really annoying. He tells me he loves me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am. And I tell him he's full of crap, because I am so Not beautiful right now. I refer to him being in a drunken state all the time, but it is very childlike. I would never sit and bore everyone with the details of what we go through on a daily basis. Taking care of someone I know is dying and having to watch them everyday get a little bit worse and wondering how much longer this is going to go on. There are not enough words to describe it. The hard part is, my family and friends as much as they care about me, don't fully understand.....and that's ok. How much do any of us understand when someone we know or love is going through a difficult time? Sometimes despite blogging about it....and talking for hours at times.....it's still overwhelming and it's still....lonely.
Yesterday I had my youngest sons IEP meeting. Well it was an addendum to his IEP, just adding more time out of the his regular classroom to his resource class. I sat in the room by myself, with his teacher, resource teacher, speech teacher, school psychologist and principal. I haven't been the greatest parent when it comes to school this year. I haven't kept up on his school work. And so I got a little lecture on him needing to understand that he needs to do his school work and bring it back. Strike one for mom. His teacher also brought up that he has been really tired at school lately and even fell asleep one day. Hinting that maybe he is going to bed too late. Well...no he isn't. He goes to bed by 8p.m. Lately he has been waking up a lot during the night. Bad dreams...needing to go to the bathroom....needing a drink. I guess strike two for mom. And then the big one....his having a hard time concentrating on what he is supposed to be doing....the ADD....the hint...hint...we really want you to try medication. Strike three. I get that he has ADD....I get that maybe we need to try medication. But if they would have stopped and listened to themselves and what they were telling me they were observing (and I'm really surprised the school psychologist said nothing)...they would have seen a bigger picture.
This is what I got from the meeting. Well.....first let me explain the relationship between my little guy and his daddy. They are best buddies. Anytime he would go to Dr.'s appointments with us in the past, he would hold his dad's hand and tell whoever he was seeing to be careful and not hurt him. Now...I find them together a lot. My son holding his dad's hand helping him walk down the hallway....sitting next to each other at Todd's bed side table eating dinner. Always asking if they can have a "sleep over". Which means snuggling up and watching tv together later than normal until they both fall asleep. (I only allow this on the weekends). Their conversations make me smile, sometimes because they make absolutely no sense. This little boy that blessed our dysfunctional little family holds us all together. He is our little ray of sunshine, but he feels everything. He knows daddy is very sick, and until yesterday I didn't put together and realize how much it was affecting him. So....when his teacher told me about his Mother's Day card that he made (that he never gave me...typical), that had a picture of his dad and the word "SAD" in bubble letters....I broke down. I pretty much cried through rest of the meeting. The not being able to concentrate, being tired, not wanting to go to school. There is so much more that my little boy is dealing with, that is affecting him...other than ADD. How could they not see it when it is so very clear. He understands far more than I gave him credit for, and he is worried about his daddy. Yes I will try medication to help with things, in the long run it may make a difference. Do I think it will right now? No I don't. I left the meeting in tears, I cried more a little while afterward. Some days I can't handle all of this. Some days it is all too much.
Today, I was laying on the bed crying, (yes...still crying). My husband has had a few really bad days this week. He has really bad wounds on his ankles and they are hurting him a lot. If he would stay off of his feet it would help. The problem....when his brain is telling him he needs to get things done, he doesn't think about how it is affecting his legs. His thought process just isn't the same as yours or mine now. I can't talk to him about what is going on with our youngest son, it's getting harder to explain things like this to him. This morning when I was crying he asked if I was ok....I shook my head yes...and as he walked out of the room he asked if I would make the bed. I just closed my eyes because I realized I really can't have those conversations with him anymore. The conversations where he asks me tell him what is wrong. He's very childlike right now. He walks around singing all the time, making up words to songs. Not going to lie....it gets really annoying. He tells me he loves me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am. And I tell him he's full of crap, because I am so Not beautiful right now. I refer to him being in a drunken state all the time, but it is very childlike. I would never sit and bore everyone with the details of what we go through on a daily basis. Taking care of someone I know is dying and having to watch them everyday get a little bit worse and wondering how much longer this is going to go on. There are not enough words to describe it. The hard part is, my family and friends as much as they care about me, don't fully understand.....and that's ok. How much do any of us understand when someone we know or love is going through a difficult time? Sometimes despite blogging about it....and talking for hours at times.....it's still overwhelming and it's still....lonely.
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