One of the hardest things for me to do since graduating from High School (just a few years ago)..has been trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I've gone to two different colleges and have taken enough classes that I should have graduated in....something. I started taking business classes because I wanted to follow in my dad's foot steps. Well I wanted to believe that he would have been proud of me for choosing a business major. After a few of those classes, I realized I totally didn't get that mega smart gene that everyone else in my family has. I love Psychology and started in that direction, never really with any kind of plan...I confess I just loved the classes. After getting to the upper level classes and being in a class with people who started giving examples from their own life experiences....well I walked out of that class realizing...I wasn't messed up enough to continue on. The truth of the matter is I probably would have been perfect because I may have not had a lot of life experiences, but I had no baggage to carry into it. Anyway if you have read my past post on "How life was supposed to be," you know that in my delusional mind I was waiting for Mr. Right to come sweep me off my feet....I wasn't ever going to need a career....because I was never going to work anyway.
In the last 14 years I've....grown up. I've had more life experiences than I care to think about some days. To say the least life slapped me in the face. I've struggled, my family has struggled. I could have had a career...my life could have gone in a completely different direction. And well I've become irresponsible in so many ways...I guess I haven't grown up all the way. So here we are in the present. Again I'm faced with the decision of what to do. My reality is...I'm going to be a single mom and I need to take care of my family. I've always had a job but I need a little more than that. I've had people through the years tell me I should go into nursing. I never really knew why. I never thought it was something I could do.....something I could handle. I never seriously gave it second thought, but I did for whatever reason, keep it in the back of my mind. About this time last year I decided to go back to school....I got all the financial aid approved...enrolled in classes...and couldn't do it. Not necessarily because I didn't want to, but the field I decided to go into never felt right. Just a few months after that my husband ended up in the hospital and here we are. And that idea about going into nursing has been brought back up to the surface again. I always question whether things really happen for a reason. I do believe we learn something from the trials we go through. I've been thinking about this for weeks and the more I think about it the more it just feels like the natural direction to go in. So I'm getting information, I'm finding out how many of those classes from the past count towards my future, and then I'll go from there. I know I can't overload myself right now. I still have my responsibilities here and I'm working on getting out of debt. My goal is to start in the Fall, but I know full well planning anything right now is a little bit difficult. I do know that when I think about it I find myself getting excited.....and that is so weird for me....new. Don't get me wrong, taking care of my husband comes first....but I know what my reality is. It doesn't mean I'm waiting for him to die, but I need to prepare for my future. I'm a realist...I can't help that. So here I go...taking a deep breath and jumping in feet first....and we'll see where life goes from here.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
"My Teacher Said....."
If you have been around a child just starting school, chances are you have heard the phrase.... "My teacher said...." followed by whatever they heard that day. Never try to tell them that their teacher is wrong, because the teacher is never wrong. I've been through kindergarten with all four of my kids....I've heard those words said I can't tell you how many times....by my first three kids. My youngest who is now almost 8...who I didn't put into kindergarten until he was 6, has never said this phrase....until today.
This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me. But hearing "My teacher said not to keep the water running," when he was getting ready to brush his teeth this morning made me stop what I was doing for a second. I realized in that moment I had never really heard him say that before. My little guy is in his own little world. He has a huge imagination and even though I send him to school everyday I never really know how much he is taking in....how much he understands. There is a definite gap between him and the kids in his class who are a year younger than him. I have his IEP meeting coming up....I have no clue what they will suggest for him next year. They have been testing him all year. I used to talk to his teacher daily and ask her how he was doing in class. Lately I've found myself kind of avoiding her. I'll talk to her maybe once a week or once every other week. She's stuck on him having ADD....and the last time I saw her she said something about not babying him. And it started to really irritate me. I don't think I do baby him....ok maybe I might a little...but not in the sense that I do everything for him. When it comes to safety issues...absolutely, because that's where his comprehension level is lower than his age. Me dropping him off at school and letting him walk to his classroom by himself was a huge step for both of us. I still wait until I know he's inside and even for a minute or so after. After school is a different story...he still gets picked up at his classroom. So safety wise you better believe we are taking baby steps. But today that one little sentence.....made me smile and want to cry at the same time. I know he can spell and read (he writes words anywhere he can....everywhere). But the verbal comprehension...people talking to him, and asking him questions, giving him instructions, that's where we kind of lose him. So hearing him tell me something that his teacher said was....awesome...and I hope I hear it more.
This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me. But hearing "My teacher said not to keep the water running," when he was getting ready to brush his teeth this morning made me stop what I was doing for a second. I realized in that moment I had never really heard him say that before. My little guy is in his own little world. He has a huge imagination and even though I send him to school everyday I never really know how much he is taking in....how much he understands. There is a definite gap between him and the kids in his class who are a year younger than him. I have his IEP meeting coming up....I have no clue what they will suggest for him next year. They have been testing him all year. I used to talk to his teacher daily and ask her how he was doing in class. Lately I've found myself kind of avoiding her. I'll talk to her maybe once a week or once every other week. She's stuck on him having ADD....and the last time I saw her she said something about not babying him. And it started to really irritate me. I don't think I do baby him....ok maybe I might a little...but not in the sense that I do everything for him. When it comes to safety issues...absolutely, because that's where his comprehension level is lower than his age. Me dropping him off at school and letting him walk to his classroom by himself was a huge step for both of us. I still wait until I know he's inside and even for a minute or so after. After school is a different story...he still gets picked up at his classroom. So safety wise you better believe we are taking baby steps. But today that one little sentence.....made me smile and want to cry at the same time. I know he can spell and read (he writes words anywhere he can....everywhere). But the verbal comprehension...people talking to him, and asking him questions, giving him instructions, that's where we kind of lose him. So hearing him tell me something that his teacher said was....awesome...and I hope I hear it more.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Why the Hell am I Doing This?
I wish I could say this week has been less stressful....no such luck. I did get my taxes done. I did get my insurance paperwork filled out and mailed. I did get court with my son over and done with. And as I already knew, he was placed on thirty days house arrest. I'm still trying to figure out who this is punishing. I now am dealing with a teenager who.....gets no phone, no internet, no interaction with friends (except what he has at school). He has to be driven by me to and from school....to and from work, and he has to call and check in with his diversion team (what the program is called for house arrest) every 3 hours when he is home and before he leaves for school or work and as soon as he gets home. He also has 5 people tracking him 6 days a week. He's supposed to listen to all our reasonable requests and I'm finding that I keep getting to the point of wanting to say (I haven't as of yet but it's only been 4 days)...."If you don't clean your room...stop mouthing off...help out etc.... I'm going to tell on you." I'm just going to say it....I kind of wish they would have just stuck him in detention for the 30 days. We'll see how the next 26 days go....Ugh!
Of course everyday is a little different dealing with my husband and yesterday I actually found myself thinking.....Why the Hell am I doing this? It's no secret that we've had a pretty rocky marriage. When we first found out he was sick, I'll be honest, my first thought was, "Are you kidding me? I've put up with him being an alcoholic...he quits drinking...and NOW I have to take care of him....For How long?" You have to remember I was planning on divorce. Anyway this week he pushed his body too far. Exhaustion....beyond exhaustion...if that's possible. A typical end of the day with him is waiting for hours after I'm ready to go to bed for him to finally go to bed. I have to wait because he gets to the point where he is so tired that he falls asleep where ever he is standing or sitting when that exhaustion hits. (It comes that quickly). The other night I was laying in bed waiting and waiting....and waiting. I ended up falling asleep around 1:30am. At 5:30am...I woke up....noticed my husband hadn't even come to bed yet...and got up to find him. Panic.....he was on the floor in the kitchen...completely passed out. I didn't know what happened. I do know it was a complete miracle he didn't hit his head on my elliptical that was about an inch away from where his head was. Twenty minutes later, I was able to get him up and sitting down at the kitchen table...because he refused to go to bed until he ate something. OH MY GOSH....For the next 6 hours...Yes 6 hours...he slept at the kitchen table. He was so tired I couldn't wake him up for more than a couple of seconds. All I could do was check on him and make sure he was ok. He never was fully awake that day....and that night I ended up having to call the paramedics because I couldn't get him out of the bathroom. It was awful....and stressful....and I spent the whole night up because I wasn't sure what was going on with him. The next morning, after giving him breathing treatments while he slept during the night....after I stayed up all night worrying....he got up and had a cigarette. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? And I really did look at him and think Why am I doing this? Why am I taking care of a man who doesn't even give a crap that I'm doing ANY of this? So his nurse came and had a nice talk with him...he promised he would try to go to bed at a reasonable time and stop pushing himself so hard. We'll see....
So today to escape the crazy....the stress, I worked in my garden for a while and then I took the kids....minus my oldest since he's not allowed to go anywhere.....swimming. It really helps even if it's for just a few hours to get away. Not think about all this...stuff, and just relax and have a little fun. We ended our afternoon out with a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Not only do I need that time away, but so do the kids. And I answered my question....Why am I doing this? Well, believe it or not....I care. I may not have the same feelings for him that I did long ago, but I'm not heartless. I feel bad for him. The truth of the matter is if I were to kick him out he would end up in a nursing home, because no one in his family would take him in to take care of him. That is just sad. I do this mostly for our kids, so they have the chance to have a few more memories with him....and I do what I can to put my frustrations and feelings aside. I have to ask the question....What if this was reversed and it was me? That's when I start to feel a little sick inside. I wouldn't want to die alone...in a nursing home. He's only 43 our kids are still young...they need their dad as much as he needs them. And like I've said before, my feelings really don't matter in this equation I have to put them aside. I'm here to take care of him, the best I can, so he can die at home, surrounded by his family...in dignity...he deserves that. So we may have days and weeks that are crazy and stressful, but we will deal with it....I'll deal with it. And we will continue on in this tough journey as long as we need to.
Of course everyday is a little different dealing with my husband and yesterday I actually found myself thinking.....Why the Hell am I doing this? It's no secret that we've had a pretty rocky marriage. When we first found out he was sick, I'll be honest, my first thought was, "Are you kidding me? I've put up with him being an alcoholic...he quits drinking...and NOW I have to take care of him....For How long?" You have to remember I was planning on divorce. Anyway this week he pushed his body too far. Exhaustion....beyond exhaustion...if that's possible. A typical end of the day with him is waiting for hours after I'm ready to go to bed for him to finally go to bed. I have to wait because he gets to the point where he is so tired that he falls asleep where ever he is standing or sitting when that exhaustion hits. (It comes that quickly). The other night I was laying in bed waiting and waiting....and waiting. I ended up falling asleep around 1:30am. At 5:30am...I woke up....noticed my husband hadn't even come to bed yet...and got up to find him. Panic.....he was on the floor in the kitchen...completely passed out. I didn't know what happened. I do know it was a complete miracle he didn't hit his head on my elliptical that was about an inch away from where his head was. Twenty minutes later, I was able to get him up and sitting down at the kitchen table...because he refused to go to bed until he ate something. OH MY GOSH....For the next 6 hours...Yes 6 hours...he slept at the kitchen table. He was so tired I couldn't wake him up for more than a couple of seconds. All I could do was check on him and make sure he was ok. He never was fully awake that day....and that night I ended up having to call the paramedics because I couldn't get him out of the bathroom. It was awful....and stressful....and I spent the whole night up because I wasn't sure what was going on with him. The next morning, after giving him breathing treatments while he slept during the night....after I stayed up all night worrying....he got up and had a cigarette. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? And I really did look at him and think Why am I doing this? Why am I taking care of a man who doesn't even give a crap that I'm doing ANY of this? So his nurse came and had a nice talk with him...he promised he would try to go to bed at a reasonable time and stop pushing himself so hard. We'll see....
So today to escape the crazy....the stress, I worked in my garden for a while and then I took the kids....minus my oldest since he's not allowed to go anywhere.....swimming. It really helps even if it's for just a few hours to get away. Not think about all this...stuff, and just relax and have a little fun. We ended our afternoon out with a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Not only do I need that time away, but so do the kids. And I answered my question....Why am I doing this? Well, believe it or not....I care. I may not have the same feelings for him that I did long ago, but I'm not heartless. I feel bad for him. The truth of the matter is if I were to kick him out he would end up in a nursing home, because no one in his family would take him in to take care of him. That is just sad. I do this mostly for our kids, so they have the chance to have a few more memories with him....and I do what I can to put my frustrations and feelings aside. I have to ask the question....What if this was reversed and it was me? That's when I start to feel a little sick inside. I wouldn't want to die alone...in a nursing home. He's only 43 our kids are still young...they need their dad as much as he needs them. And like I've said before, my feelings really don't matter in this equation I have to put them aside. I'm here to take care of him, the best I can, so he can die at home, surrounded by his family...in dignity...he deserves that. So we may have days and weeks that are crazy and stressful, but we will deal with it....I'll deal with it. And we will continue on in this tough journey as long as we need to.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Stress...stress...and more stress...
This week the stress of everything has been just about enough to push me over the edge....or make me completely shut down. It's been two maybe even three weeks since any of my in-laws have been around, (Well until today, my father-in-law came by and took Todd to lunch). So...no help from them what so ever. Not sure what happened to the schedule that we are supposed to have, where they take turns to come out each week at least once or twice to help out, but apparently everyone has decided that it's too much for them.....awesome. (Ok that's how I feel...I don't really know what their reasoning is). But no matter because either way....it sucks. To add on to the stress I already deal with on a daily basis. I have my oldest son's court date next week. I'm glad he's finally going to have to answer to someone for his actions. I wish more than anything as a parent I could do something...say something to him to help him understand that he can't just do what he's doing and expect just a slap on the hand. My son has taken the stance of not listening to his dad and I at all. Telling us "No" to everything...and then taking the attitude of....so what are you going to do about it. Can't ground him...he just tells us 'no'. So he's going in front of a judge who is going to ground him, 30 days house arrest. His probation officer has already informed him of what is going to happen. Good thing....I guess. I'm not going to lie, it's hard having him at home...his mood...his attitude, you can feel it as soon as he comes in the door most times. And for the second time this week I find myself saying...I'm not sure who exactly this is supposed to punish, but I hope it works. Then I have my little guy...my youngest. I just scheduled another IEP meeting with his teacher, resource teacher, and school psychologist. I hate these meetings. Nobody quite knows where he fits in, and I feel like his teacher wants to blame everything on ADHD. Yea ok....I would say he does have this, but it's only a small piece of the puzzle. He's almost 8...talk to a "normal" 8 year old and then try talking to my son.....HUGE difference...nothing to do with ADHD. It's so frustrating I want to scream. To say the least, I'm really stressed out about this meeting, and giving him a pill isn't going to fix everything. Add on the stress of finances and figuring out how to get through each month, saving doing my taxes until the absolute last second (which I've never done before), and getting insurance stuff done so I still have insurance....and I've had it. To top it all off....I have to go to my in-laws tomorrow for a birthday party and when I went to the grocery store today, they were all out of my diet coke in the 20oz bottles, which is how I like it, so I stood there staring at the empty row not knowing what to do for a couple of seconds (It's ok you have permission to laugh at this). I'm weaning myself off of the diet coke and so I just got water. But....it was just one of those moments where I wanted to scream..."Really!?!?...after the day and the last couple of weeks I've had I can't even get the damn diet coke that I want!" So...now is when I take my deep breath, I tell myself to get over it, and I make myself deal with everything that I desperately want to avoid. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....right? Damn....one day I'm going to be frickin' Super Woman....
Friday, April 6, 2012
My Psychic Experience....
About a week ago I was invited to a class. This particular class had a Psychic as the guest speaker. Now this is where my family I'm sure thinks I'm a little nuts, but I find this kind of stuff fascinating. Whether I believe it all or not, I just think it's interesting. So I went...it was something completely out of my comfort zone. See I don't have a problem going shopping or for a drive by myself...but I don't normally go places where I interact with people by myself. That goes along with me just being shy and awkward. So since I'm all about change and making myself do new things....well that's exactly what I did.
So the lady speaking focused on past lives....now this is where I'm completely skeptical...I have my own opinions of why people might think they were someone else in a past life. But I'm not really going into it. I did think it was all really interesting and even was able to have a quick reading done on me. This is how it went....
She started by asking me if when I was a little girl I was afraid of the dark...really afraid of the dark. I was and in some cases I still am. She told me that was because in my past life I was a boy...a street urchin...in a place, possibly Paris and I died of starvation in a dungeon. Personally I think my fear of the dark comes from there being ghosts in my house that I lived in until I was 6....that would walk by my bedroom door and come in my room and just sit there. It freaked me out enough that I still have times now that I feel like someone is there and I'll keep my eyes shut if I'm in my room at night in the dark by myself, or I'll keep the tv on. I think my junk food addiction would probably be more of something I would have carried over since I never had food and died of starvation.
Next....she got a little emotional when she asked who I knew that was very sick....and of course I started crying. (One thing you need to know about me...I cry whenever anybody cries. I can't even help it, and I feel completely stupid because I'm over emotional). I told her it was my husband and she told me he wasn't going to get better....this I know. Then she told me how Todd's grandmother is always with him and we have a lot of people that surround us. My dad being kind of like a superhero... my strength...she said he's basically saying I'm here to be strong for you...you don't have to try and be so strong all the time. That was pretty much it...I did talk to her a little bit afterward but mostly about the same stuff.
So this is what I took from it. She really didn't tell me anything I didn't already know (except for the past life stuff...but like I said it's really not my thing). I liked talking to her and hearing what she had to say. So I took what she said back to my husband. My husband who is really scared to die. Really scared that nobody will be there for him. I think one of the main reasons I needed to go was to get information to help ease his mind...to comfort him. Now I've talked to him before, others have talked to him about what may happen after this life. He just has a hard time believing things. So I figure if what a psychic says can ease his mind a little so be it. So I told him about his grandmother how she is always with him telling him it will be ok....and I honestly think it helped even if it's just a little bit.
Whether or not you believe in this stuff it doesn't matter....sometimes it's ok to have a source of comfort. We are comforted in all different ways... through prayer...through religion....through friends....strangers. Nobody can tell us what is going to happen in our lives, we choose our own path, and that can change over and over from one moment to the next. But I think people do have gifts and if used in the right way, it isn't a bad thing. I take everything with a grain of salt....but I also keep an open mind. Overall I thought it was all very fascinating I've thought about going to talk to a Psychic for a long time....and I might just do it again sometime...
So the lady speaking focused on past lives....now this is where I'm completely skeptical...I have my own opinions of why people might think they were someone else in a past life. But I'm not really going into it. I did think it was all really interesting and even was able to have a quick reading done on me. This is how it went....
She started by asking me if when I was a little girl I was afraid of the dark...really afraid of the dark. I was and in some cases I still am. She told me that was because in my past life I was a boy...a street urchin...in a place, possibly Paris and I died of starvation in a dungeon. Personally I think my fear of the dark comes from there being ghosts in my house that I lived in until I was 6....that would walk by my bedroom door and come in my room and just sit there. It freaked me out enough that I still have times now that I feel like someone is there and I'll keep my eyes shut if I'm in my room at night in the dark by myself, or I'll keep the tv on. I think my junk food addiction would probably be more of something I would have carried over since I never had food and died of starvation.
Next....she got a little emotional when she asked who I knew that was very sick....and of course I started crying. (One thing you need to know about me...I cry whenever anybody cries. I can't even help it, and I feel completely stupid because I'm over emotional). I told her it was my husband and she told me he wasn't going to get better....this I know. Then she told me how Todd's grandmother is always with him and we have a lot of people that surround us. My dad being kind of like a superhero... my strength...she said he's basically saying I'm here to be strong for you...you don't have to try and be so strong all the time. That was pretty much it...I did talk to her a little bit afterward but mostly about the same stuff.
So this is what I took from it. She really didn't tell me anything I didn't already know (except for the past life stuff...but like I said it's really not my thing). I liked talking to her and hearing what she had to say. So I took what she said back to my husband. My husband who is really scared to die. Really scared that nobody will be there for him. I think one of the main reasons I needed to go was to get information to help ease his mind...to comfort him. Now I've talked to him before, others have talked to him about what may happen after this life. He just has a hard time believing things. So I figure if what a psychic says can ease his mind a little so be it. So I told him about his grandmother how she is always with him telling him it will be ok....and I honestly think it helped even if it's just a little bit.
Whether or not you believe in this stuff it doesn't matter....sometimes it's ok to have a source of comfort. We are comforted in all different ways... through prayer...through religion....through friends....strangers. Nobody can tell us what is going to happen in our lives, we choose our own path, and that can change over and over from one moment to the next. But I think people do have gifts and if used in the right way, it isn't a bad thing. I take everything with a grain of salt....but I also keep an open mind. Overall I thought it was all very fascinating I've thought about going to talk to a Psychic for a long time....and I might just do it again sometime...
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