Why the Hell am I Doing This?

I wish I could say this week has been less stressful....no such luck.  I did get my taxes done. I did get my insurance paperwork filled out and mailed.  I did get court with my son over and done with.  And as I already knew, he was placed on thirty days house arrest.  I'm still trying to figure out who this is punishing.  I now am dealing with a teenager who.....gets no phone, no internet, no interaction with friends (except what he has at school).  He has to be driven by me to and from school....to and from work, and he has to call and check in with his diversion team (what the program is called for house arrest) every 3 hours when he is home and before he leaves for school or work and as soon as he gets home.  He also has 5 people tracking him 6 days a week.  He's supposed to listen to all our reasonable requests and I'm finding that I keep getting to the point of wanting to say (I haven't as of yet but it's only been 4 days)...."If you don't clean your room...stop mouthing off...help out etc.... I'm going to tell on you."  I'm just going to say it....I kind of wish they would have just stuck him in detention for the 30 days.  We'll see how the next 26 days go....Ugh!

Of course everyday is a little different dealing with my husband and yesterday I actually found myself thinking.....Why the Hell am I doing this? It's no secret that we've had a pretty rocky marriage.  When we first found out he was sick, I'll be honest, my first thought was, "Are you kidding me? I've put up with him being an alcoholic...he quits drinking...and NOW I have to take care of him....For How long?"  You have to remember I was planning on divorce.  Anyway this week he pushed his body too far. Exhaustion....beyond exhaustion...if that's possible.  A typical end of the day with him is waiting for hours after I'm ready to go to bed for him to finally go to bed.  I have to wait because he gets to the point where he is so tired that he falls asleep where ever he is standing or sitting when that exhaustion hits. (It comes that quickly).  The other night I was laying in bed waiting and waiting....and waiting. I ended up falling asleep around 1:30am.  At 5:30am...I woke up....noticed my husband hadn't even come to bed yet...and got up to find him.   Panic.....he was on the floor in the kitchen...completely passed out.  I didn't know what happened.  I do know it was a complete miracle he didn't hit his head on my elliptical that was about an inch away from where his head was.   Twenty minutes later, I was able to get him up and sitting down at the kitchen table...because he refused to go to bed until he ate something.  OH MY GOSH....For the next 6 hours...Yes 6 hours...he slept at the kitchen table.  He was so tired I couldn't wake him up for more than a couple of seconds.  All I could do was check on him and make sure he was ok. He never was fully awake that day....and that night I ended up having to call the paramedics because I couldn't get him out of the bathroom.  It was awful....and stressful....and I spent the whole night up because I wasn't sure what was going on with  him.  The next morning, after giving him breathing treatments while he slept during the night....after I stayed up all night worrying....he got up and had a cigarette.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?  And I really did look at him and think Why am I doing this?  Why am I taking care of a man who doesn't even give a crap that I'm doing ANY of this?  So his nurse came and had a nice talk with him...he promised he would try to go to bed at a reasonable time and stop pushing himself so hard. We'll see....

So today to escape the crazy....the stress, I worked in my garden for a while and then I took the kids....minus my oldest since he's not allowed to go anywhere.....swimming.  It really helps even if it's for just a few hours to get away.  Not think about all this...stuff, and just relax and have a little fun.  We ended our afternoon out with a trip to Dairy Queen for ice cream.  Not only do I need that time away, but so do the kids. And I answered my question....Why am I doing this?  Well, believe it or not....I care.  I may not have the same feelings for him that I did long ago, but I'm not heartless. I feel bad for him.  The truth of the matter is if I were to kick him out he would end up in a nursing home, because no one in his family would take him in to take care of him.  That is just sad. I do this mostly for our kids, so they have the chance to have a few more memories with him....and I do what I can to put my frustrations and feelings aside. I have to ask the question....What if this was reversed and it was me? That's when I start to feel a little sick inside.  I wouldn't want to die alone...in a nursing home.  He's only 43 our kids are still young...they need their dad as much as he needs them.  And like I've said before, my feelings really don't matter in this equation I have to put them aside. I'm here to take care of him, the best I can, so he can die at home, surrounded by his family...in dignity...he deserves that.  So we may have days and weeks that are crazy and stressful, but we will deal with it....I'll deal with it.  And we will continue on in this tough journey as long as we need to.