A Year in Review...

This year I put myself out there.  I started a blog, because I needed to get out of my head everything that was driving me crazy.  I stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me.  My emotions have been all over the place.  It's been nothing short of the craziest roller coaster ride that I could ever experience.  And while I can't say that I've loved the ride, I can say I have loved moments and I've learned a lot about myself this year....good, bad and ugly.

Drama....There has been far too much of it in my life lately.  I HATE drama.  When it comes right down to it, some of it is unavoidable, the rest we create ourselves.  I can't believe how much drama I've created this year, to the point there are days I can't stand myself.  So I have  trials that happen far too often than I like.....and that makes me special?  I think not.  We all have trials, I'm not going to hide in my house and pretend nothing is wrong.  But there has to be a happy medium.  I didn't create my blog for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I just had too much that I had a hard time dealing with and I needed to get it out. This coming year there will be far less drama.

I can't please everyone....My in laws will never like me. For the life of me I don't know why....and I finally had to stop worrying about it. I don't know if they hated me from the very beginning and just let it build up over the years or if it started after Todd got sick and they just didn't want to believe me.  Maybe my father in-law is going nuts as he gets older.  I know that it has progressed to anyone that challenges him gets disowned from the family.  My oldest son being the latest to have to deal with his tyranny.  The two of us have officially been banned from any family functions.  When I heard that one,  it sealed my decision to not allow my children around him anymore. Todd's family has been a huge source of crap for me this year so I'm letting them go.  I'm not allowing their negativity in my life anymore.  We don't have to like everyone.

I'm not a very nice person sometimes.... This year has been a year of finding myself, unfortunately I found my complete bitch side.   The side that stopped giving a damn about certain people in my life's feelings.  I don't like that side....that's not me.  It's in my nature to worry about the people in my life....to care.  Me turning against those natural feelings left me unsettled and angry a lot.  I've had too many moments of complete anger and I'm not ok with that.  I'm working on this one.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure.....because this is honestly how I feel sometimes.  I'm a failure in my marriage...at love...raising my kids...losing weight.  I don't always feel this way just when I'm at my lowest. Being home, not working only reinforces these feelings.  Which leads into.....

I'm not a good stay at home mom......Sure....I love not having to go to work everyday....the thought of having to look for a job right now is giving me more anxiety than I care to think about....and I've been sleeping like crap.  I've been home being a care giver and taking care of everything  for the last year.....and I have become LAZY....I've gained weight, I eat crappy, I hate cleaning, so I'm not getting up to clean the house just because I'm home.  Winter makes everything 10 times worse because I can't even escape to the outdoors to work in my garden or sit outside.  I'm broke so it's not like I can just go shopping and spend money.  I'm stuck in my house and truth is I feel like I'm doing good if I get out of bed and take a shower sometime during the day.  Don't get me wrong I've loved spending time with my kids...we've done a lot of fun things together during the last year, but, when I go back to work I will be returning back to grumpy...tired mom.   I don't know how to make this work.  The kids are older so it's not so bad, but  I don't want them to feel like I'm neglecting their needs.  When it all comes down to it.....I need money...now....therefore working is my only choice whether I like it or not and it's time for me to go back.

I'm an advice giver.....not so much an advice taker......I love all the advice I've been given, I do.  I don't get offended by it, because I know everyone has great intentions.  Trust me I've given out my fair share of it....to my children it would be referred to as lectures.   I am the queen of lectures...I could go on for days.   But when it comes right down to it those of us who give out advice see things from the outside and usually from one side unless we are personally involved with what is going on.  And although I love all of you in my life and am very happy for your friendship....unless I ask....I don't want any advice. This journey is mine....for good or for bad.....my lessons to be learned, my heartache to deal with....and in order to continue to find me....I have to deal with most of this stuff on my own.

I am worth something and I am good enough.....I saw a post on facebook the other day, a girl had said something to her friend about hanging in there...not worrying...that the right guy will come along one day.  The friend responded with thanks....but I doubt it, I'm just not good enough for anyone.  This makes me crazy, and sad at the same time.  Why would anyone think they are not good enough for anyone....then I remember after years of not dating, I felt the exact same way once upon a time.  It's taken me a lot of years to realize I am good enough.  I've been married....I've gone through heartache like I've never felt before....I'm still going through that.  I'm not giving up just because I've failed at marriage.  I thought I found my soul mate a couple of years ago....maybe I was wrong....he's moved on with his life, and rightly so.  I'm worth something....but I can't have everything that I want just because it's what I want.  Life doesn't work like that...and I'm absolutely sure there is a reason for it.  But I do know with absolute certainty that I deserve to be loved and cared for unconditionally and even if my heart is broken over and over I will still believe this and I won't give up.

Forgiveness is the key....It ultimately unlocks the chains that are holding you to all the pain you are feeling and sets you free.  It's been a long year of fighting, anger, sadness the unknown. I've decided on separation and divorce and wanting Todd out of my life.  I've learned I can't write things when I'm in the middle of a moment of anger.  The truth is Todd is staying right here where he is. No our marriage isn't any different, we've been in a phase of friendship for so long that we've never had a real marriage.  To make him go.....means I'm saying I don't care....like I said above, that's not me.  I can't do it and feel ok with my decision.  Sometimes I hate that I care too much, especially when it's for a person that has caused me so much frustration....it's in the past. Like I said forgiveness is the key.   Todd is still very sick, he sleeps about 16 hours a day. I probably won't mention him very much anymore. I'm still figuring all this out myself, I can't love him the way he loves me....but I still care and I'll still take care of him if he needs me to.  He's burned a lot of bridges in his life, it's his own fault....and he's alone.

Not all people who are strong have their lives in order, it just appears that way sometimes.  People tell me I'm strong all the time.  I can tell you my  life is definitely not in order.  I smile because I like to smile, I like to make people smile. I like being happy.  I smile even when I'm crying on the inside.  The people who really know me know the difference. I do cry a lot behind closed doors, because the truth is  lately all the crap that has been hitting me has been too much, and I've kept most of it to myself.

By far the most important thing I've learned this year is who I am.  It's been a journey I won't soon forget and one that I will still continue, because life is ever changing.   I don't know what is around the corner, I don't know which path I will choose.  I know I'm looking forward to it and to all the experiences that will come with it.  There will always be challenges, they are far from over in this house.  We still have a lot to get through.  Just as important as learning who I am......is learning that what ever trials come my way I can face them head on and overcome them.  Here's to a new year of learning and discovery......

....And To All a Good Night

For the first time in at least seven years, I was able to really enjoy Christmas.  I'll admit I have become a Christmas scrooge.  Last year was a train wreck.  Dealing with Todd being in the hospital and then a rehab center for 6 weeks total.  I just didn't give a crap about doing anything for any holiday.  For six years before that  I was working nights for the Postal Service, and this time of year being the busy time....well it was a given that I was tired and grumpy.  My kids got cheated out of me being the kind of mom that I wanted to be....the mom I grew up with.  So this year even though I desperately need to find a job, I put off seriously looking for one, and I told myself I was going to do everything that I planned on doing.  For the most part I did.

As we bring the Christmas season (Ok I'll be honest it got a little long....2 weeks for Christmas would be perfect), to an end, I look back over the last few weeks and feel like I did ok.  My first priority was to not let myself get stressed out over time and money and presents.  I let the kids know ahead of time that this year was going to be fairly small.  I wanted to focus on spending quality time and doing things that we could enjoy rather than buying things.  And they were totally ok with that.  We baked cookies and made English toffee, went to the Junior High Christmas concerts for choir and orchestra that my daughter was in.  We hung lights on the house, something we haven't done in years.  The tree went up shortly after Thanksgiving (a very rare occurrence) and the house decorated.  We made gingerbread houses and watched Christmas shows and went Christmas shopping.  I made homemade cinnamon rolls with my mom and sister all day one day.  I love spending time with my family.  We had my family Christmas party where we do our annual Christmas program and stop the craziness of the holiday to remember the true meaning of Christmas.  My daughter and I had a girls day out and got our nails done and went to lunch.  We  enjoyed our time together and took pictures.  Just like Thanksgiving it was family time that was needed.  Having a little boy that still believes in the magic of Santa made everything that much better. We were up by 7am opening presents by 7:30, then spent the day relaxing while the kids played with their new toys and gadgets and stuff.  It was a good day, it's been a good few weeks.  Yea I've had some stressful times....I've had days that I had to smile through some tears.  But overall it's been good and it was needed and I'm glad we were able to make the memories that we did this year.  I've said it a million times....and I'll probably say it a million more but,  I have great kids and I am so thankful for every new memory we get to make.  I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas...and to those who don't celebrate Christmas Happy Holidays. 

Putting In My Two Cents....

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days.   I almost decided to bag it after the day that I've had...It's been a crap day....beyond crap.  Instead of  letting things weigh  me down, I'm taking today and throwing it as far away as possible.  Given the choice there is no way I would repeat it.  So I'm letting it go. I'm sure I'll get hit with more crap later anyway, so best to write this post and be done with it.

I don't usually throw my opinions out there when it comes to anything political.  I'll be honest, a lot of political stuff goes over my head.  It's very possible that the study I heard about this morning on the radio about eating excessive amounts of sugar making you dumber is true....because some days I feel like a complete idiot.  But the debates right now over gun control and mental illness are about to drive me insane.  The events that happened in Connecticut are mind boggling.....we will never know the reasons that this man (barely a man) did this...never.  The majority of us can not grasp why anyone could do something so horrific.  It was beyond awful, sickening to hear about, sad beyond words and my heart goes out to the entire community.  For days now anytime I think about it I cry.  Too many innocent lives taken so senselessly. 

This is the thing....and I don't much care if anyone agrees or disagrees with me.  This is just how I feel, just how I see things.  Because I don't really know where we begin on trying to change things.  Guns....I grew up with them, my dad was a hunter.  I grew up learning how to shoot.  I went hunting with my dad a few times.  I know how to shoot at ducks and small birds.  I feel comfortable with a gun in my hands, they don't bother me.  People who are avid gun collectors or hunt for sport, are not likely to go on a shooting rampage.  The guns are already out there to buy legally or illegally.  Banning them only means the people who really want them will find them other ways.  Sure it might make it a little harder....but they will still be there.  I have a couple of experiences buying guns, but let me tell you how easy it can be.  Maybe 12 or so years ago Todd and I went to a gun show.  It was in a big convention center, there were many...many people there.  We walked up to one of the vendors, and asked what it would take to buy a gun.   Basically, to make a long story short, we could have walked out of there with a previously owned gun...no questions asked, no paperwork filled out, just money exchanged.  Are you amazed...infuriated?  You should be.  But I hate to break it to you, it happens everyday...in public, in private.  In the middle of a crowded room and behind closed doors.   Guns are always going to be around.  How do we fix people getting their hands on them that have no right having one?  Good question.  If someone doesn't have a record, has never been convicted of anything, has never done anything to cause alarm.  They can get a gun.  What if they then go on a shooting rampage.  Are we supposed to be mind readers?   What's your solution? Is there one?     I hear people saying "stricter gun laws".... yea ok great.  And the guy at the gun convention....or the pawn shop....or the house in the middle of the city...or the alley.....who doesn't give a crap about gun laws?   More arrests? More jails?  More what? 

The person intent on killing..... Would you know the warning signs?  Would you understand the warning signs?  There's a lot of people out there that say "Hell yea I would".   Would you really?  Because I gotta say, I don't think I would.  To me a lot of these signs, fit a lot of teenagers...mostly boys.   What makes that person suddenly snap? That's what we don't know....this is the question we should be asking.  Everybody keeps zoning in on one piece of this huge puzzle.  Everybody needs to take a few steps back and try and look at the entire picture.

Do I feel my kids are safe at school?  Yes I do. Why shouldn't I?  How many schools are there in the United States?  This is not an everyday occurrence.  It is horrible to think about.  There are a million what ifs.  But ask yourself this.  Do you want to live in fear?  Do you want your children to be afraid to be somewhere they should feel safe?  I'm not going to give my children undue anxiety, because there is a 1 in whatever chance something may happen.   The fact of the matter is, people die everyday. There are no guarantees that when we wake up in the morning that we are going to make it to the next day....none.  I get that this incident has raised questions and heightened awareness.  But the fact is....when somebody has become so mentally unstable that they are planning to kill people....they most likely are really planning on killing themselves.  They feel justified in what they are doing.  They are on a mission and they are going to find a way to complete it.  Unless we plan on having our children in schools that are made of impenetrable steel boxes....and locked shut while they are there.....then there is always a way for someone to get through.  Not a very comforting thought.  But like I said there are no guarantees in life, and you can't live each day in fear that "something" might happen.   I'm glad that it has made us look at things differently, I'm glad it is making people ask questions.  Because if we can do something...to help in decreasing violence...then it's always a good thing.  Do I think the media needs to stop giving  people that commit these horrible acts their 5 minutes of fame....because that's what it is?  Yes I do.  I think the media has become awful in this area.  Stop focusing on the people that commit the crimes and focus on the people that deserve to be seen and heard.  I can't stand the news anymore. 

Did this make me appreciate my kids more....love them more...hug them more?  I am thankful for every second of the day that I am able to spend with my children.  I tell them I love them always. They know I would do anything for them.  I'm their mother...of course I love them.   I'm not sure what I would do if something happened to any of them.  It would probably be more pain than I ever want to even think about.  I wish I could take the pain away from any parent having to deal with the loss of a child.  I wish we could live in a world where no child ever had to die before a parent. It really doesn't seem fair.  But I do believe in God, I do believe that there is life after death, and I do believe that the things we don't understand now....we will understand one day.  And I hope that everyone affected by this tragedy can feel all the angels that are surrounding them trying to give them a little bit of peace.

Fifteen Years Ago Today.....

Fifteen years ago today, I gave birth to my first child (my now second oldest).  I wish I could say it was one of the happiest days of my life.....not so much.  Trust me when I say I still have guilt over the feelings I had then.  I wish I could go back to that day knowing how much joy he has brought to my life.

Ten months before I had my son, I met Todd...one month later I was pregnant.  Ironically before I met him all I wanted was to get married and start a family.  When I found out I was pregnant, I realized I was no where near ready.  I wasn't married, we weren't living together....we barely knew each other.  I was pregnant, lonely and miserable.  I was flying by the seat of my pants, and did not have a clue what I was doing.  For the first 3 months, I was so sick.  Morning sickness sucks, having it all day sucks more.  Having no one there when you are puking your guts out, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying your eyes out is just plain shitty.  After the first 3 months the morning sickness went away and my pregnancy went fairly smoothly until the end when my blood pressure went up and I had to be induced 2 1/2 weeks early.  Into the world came my 8lb 6oz. little boy.  He was beautiful.....and I didn't know how to take care of him or even how to feel at that moment.  I sat in the hospital by myself for 3 days and I kept my new little baby boy in the nursery, only bringing him into my room when I had a visitor or for very short periods of time.  I went home (to my mom's house) alone with a new baby and it was the worst feeling in the world.  Two months later, Todd and I finally decided to get married.  We became an instant family.  He already had a son who I later adopted, and I jumped into being a mom to 2 boys.  I still can't tell you how I managed doing it.

Fast forward 15 years later.  That little baby....grown into a teenager...has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I can't even imagine life without him.  My kid that has never known his own strength.  We always had to remind him to be gentle.  He was never mean, more like a bull in a china shop.  He has always been tender hearted.  The best big brother his sister (only 19 months younger) could have.  They've always been best friends.  One of my very favorite memories is of a time we were camping.  Todd had taken our daughter just up a dirt road to the bathroom.  She was maybe 4.  We heard her suddenly scream at the top of her lungs...a bee had scared her.....my little boy started running up the road because he "needed to help her".  The look of concern on his face for his little sister who he thought was hurt was one I will never forget.  He is no different today.  He is kind, caring and would do anything for his family.  He has a great....odd...sense of humor, that I love.  He can be completely crazy and off the wall especially around his friends. He is just fun to be around.  Anytime we are alone he talks my ear off about anything and everything. 

Oh....he is still a typical teenager.  He still complains every so often about taking out the trash or doing dishes.  He can still be moody and ornery.  He still argues with his siblings once in a while and hates to do homework.  He doesn't get great grades in school.  But really he's pretty laid back, mostly calm.  He helps out around the house and does things like waking up early in the morning and hanging Christmas lights to surprise me, because he knows it will make me happy. 

So 15 years ago my little boy came into the world.  Now he is not so little, over 6 feet tall and still growing.  We had a rough start at first, me learning how to be a mom, him being so patient while I figured it all out....although let's be honest, I'm still figuring it out.  I'm so thankful he puts up with such a crazy mom, and so grateful that he is mine.  I couldn't be more proud of the person he is becoming and the example he is to his siblings and to me.  Happy Birthday <3

Thanksgiving The Way We Needed It

We've had a rough year...in case you haven't noticed.  Our "normal" is ever changing, some days I just want things to stop so I can catch up a little.  I'm happy and I  can live with the choices I've made.  I'm ready to move forward, but that doesn't mean everyone else is.  I still have 4 kids, they still have a dad that is very sick....we are still figuring out how to make life "work" without making everyone miserable.  About a month ago I sat down with Todd and talked to him, it was maybe a week after we had a huge fight, where I told him I wanted a divorce.  I told him this year I wanted to have Thanksgiving here with just the kids.  I could have gone to my mom's house...but when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I want to walk away from life for a while,  I block myself off and shut people out.  Not because I don't feel loved but because it's my way of trying to deal with things.   The kids really didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to go anywhere, and Todd didn't have anywhere to go. So I decided, I was making Thanksgiving dinner, and I was going to give Todd a chance to have a good memory, to spend a good day with the kids, and take pictures, and have a day where I let things go. In the past year....yea it's only been a year.... I have gone from Todd being in the hospital and not knowing if he was even going to live to driving back and forth to a rehab facility that he was transferred to every day to becoming his caregiver, dealing with a 17 yr old son who decided this was the year for him to start getting into trouble, quitting my job, being in court with the 17 yr old more times than I care to think about, arguing and arguing and arguing, to finally just having enough, my mother-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly passing away and my in-laws picking now...the worst possible time to start a huge family feud. I needed to stop the world for a minute....a day...and let everyone just enjoy a moment, putting up my protective bubble and blocking out the crazy going on around us.  Todd and I can function as friends I get that no one understands this.  It's ok, because I do.  We aren't staying married, I'm not in love with him...and I have told him I'm moving on with my life. I'm honestly not expecting to start dating anytime soon (Ugh I really don't want to go through that phase of life again)....so having an ex husband living in my house albeit weird and not an ideal situation for me and not exactly what I want.....doesn't really bother me. Again I know people don't understand this....it's ok I do.  And again...just because I'm ready to move on doesn't mean anyone else is. Is it worth hurting my kids and even Todd to kick him out and have to drive kids back and forth to see him.  Knowing he's sick....knowing things could change with his health any given time.   Every situation is different...every marriage is different...In the grand scheme of things it really is easier to keep him here to have as much time as possible with his kids, because he can't take care of them by himself....he can barely take care of himself because he has relied on me to do everything for so long.  So today was a day to let everything go, I spent yesterday cooking all day, so all I had to do today was put the turkey in the oven and then warm everything up.  It was a nice....relaxing....low stress day.  I really am thankful that Todd and I can remain friends.  I feel bad that I can't love him the way that he loves me but I still care about him.  I feel awful that his family has abandoned him and I hope they can deal with that one day when he's gone. And maybe the reason I'm choosing to keep our dysfunctional family in the same house is because of the pain that his family is causing.  And honestly I can't be happy if I know I'm making my kids miserable. As angry and upset as I've been in the last year....I'm learning to forgive. For me to truly move forward I have to.  Not forgiving Todd keeps me chained to the past, and I can't be there anymore.   So for now this is life and today turned out to be a day that we all needed.  A little bit of peace...a little bit of stability and a lot to be thankful for.

My Month of Thanks....

So everyday I've been posting what I've been thankful for.....as are a lot of people...(On FB).  I've enjoyed doing it, I've had a few days I've really had to dig down deep to find something. Not because I'm not thankful for anything but because sometimes life interrupts for a brief moment and throws me off track.  The past few days I've settled on complete sarcasm and because I don't want to continue in that mode.  I'm going to throw everything out there in this post and skip the everyday try not to repeat things twice and sarcastic I'm in a bad mood and could care less about being thankful posts.  Because I really do have a lot to be thankful for.

My kids....absolutely... My oldest who spent the last 8 days sitting in a place he really didn't want to be with a lot of time to think.  When I picked him up today he gave me the biggest hug I've EVER gotten from him.   And although I'm a little cautious and he still needs to prove a lot to me.  I'm more hopeful today than I was yesterday that his eyes have been opened and he's ready to do something more positive with his life.  My second oldest who goes above and beyond the call of duty.  He's not perfect, I've told him some days I want to pick him up, turn him upside down and dunk his head in the toilet. (Pretty impossible since he's over 6 feet and growing an inch every other day it seems).  He's a teenager, so I have those roll my eyes shake my head kind of days.  But he has a huge heart...he helps more than is expected of him.  He loves taking his little brother to Scouts and helps out at the meetings.  He is goofy and funny and would do anything for his family.  My daughter who Drives. Me. Crazy. She is now taller than me, by half an inch.  I guess this means she has to use my makeup and wear my shoes and borrow my stuff without asking.  My third teenager... We laugh together and talk about whatever she wants to talk about.  She is talented and smart and funny....and thank goodness my only girl, I don't think I could handle more than one of her.  My youngest....my most spoiled by a long shot, even though I swore I would NEVER spoil my youngest child.  He has come leaps and bounds in school this year and is doing awesome.  He makes me smile and laugh EVERY day.  My little boy with a huge imagination and creativity. Who draws and writes on my walls and everything he can. (He is getting better about this). 

My family...brothers, sisters, and my mom.  Anyone who surrounds me and loves me despite my imperfections.  I couldn't get through this life without the support of my extended family, and my Angels who are no longer here. 

My friends....Near and far.... the people in my life who truly care.  Those people who not only stand by me through my craziness, but even the ones who we go for years without speaking and pick right back up where we left off.  Life happens to all of us, sometimes we need to take time to straighten it out.  The ones who really care stick around in one way or another, silent or vocal.  It's still nice to know they are there.

Life and all it's experiences....I revisited the idea of writing a book one day, because I seriously can't make this crap up.  I'm NOT that creative.  Some days I feel like I'm living in Crazy Town.  If I even tried to describe everything that happened in the last 2 weeks, there is no way anyone would believe me.  We'll just say Todd's family is completely nuts and I can't wait to legally change my name back to my maiden name end of story.

Music....For me it truly heals.  It helps me get over the past, deal with the present, and dream about the future.  I don't think I could ever live without it.

Love... All the different ways I've experienced it.  I believe in finding that one true love..maybe I'm crazy...maybe I already found it....maybe I lost it....Maybe I won't give up finding out for sure.  It's always worth trying.

For the things most of us take for granted....A roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, clothes, food, a car....everything it takes to live in comfort each day.  We are truly blessed and should always be looking to see what we can do for others who are less fortunate who have been dealt a crappy hand and may just need a little help to get back up again. 

Freedom... the country I live in, the people who have sacrificed so much to defend it.  And at a time when I feel like our country is hurting.  We need to remember "United we stand, divided we fall."  The hate needs to stop.

Faith and my belief in God.... Are you kidding? I couldn't make it through this life without something to look forward to. Without knowing I will see my loved ones again one day.  Without knowing He is there for me, willing to listen, and comfort me in times of need.

That despite everything, the challenges I have faced and continue to face I still can get up every morning to face them head on.  Most days I have a smile on my face, and I can keep a positive attitude.  Life is going to happen.  It may not happen the way we want it to, and it may knock us down.  I'm thankful to be able to get back up as many times as I need to.  And I hope one day to be able to help others do the same. 

My blog....finding my voice...It still amazes me that there are people out there who really read this. I thank you.  Almost 5000 views since I started it....Holy cow...Awesome. 

The point is....I'm thankful for these things every day of the year, not just this month. I am however thankful for this month of Thanksgiving, to remind myself that I truly have so much to be grateful for, even when I'm in the midst of a crap storm that seems never ending. I'm sure I've missed things...I'll save those for FB I guess, but I think I covered the major points.  Take a few moments and remind yourself of all the things you are thankful for today. :o)

Believe it or Not.....I Am Happy, Truth is part 2

I'm getting the feeling that this is a hard concept for people to grasp.   I have amazing friends and family who I know are worried about me.  I know they care about me so much they just want me to be happy and not have to deal with all this crap anymore.  And I love ALL of them for it. But I need people to listen to me, to hear me, to believe me.  I'm not blowing smoke, when I say I am genuinely happy.  Yes, I have a teenage son, who learned yesterday that this mom is not taking or putting up with his crap anymore.  If he has to spend every other week at the detention center, so be it.  It's time for him to take responsibility for his actions. Yes I have a husband who I told I want a divorce because I'm done in every way.  But I'm not looking for pity or for anyone to feel bad for me or advice on what I should or should not do.  Are you kidding?  Be happy for me.  I just took over my life, I finally got strong enough to be in charge, to have a voice, to take complete control .  Jump for joy.

Truth is....

... I mourned the death of my marriage, years ago.  I kept things hidden because my stubborn pride kept me from talking about divorce.  There were a lot of people from the beginning who knew that this was going to happen.  I wanted in every way to prove them all wrong.  And dammit I tried to stick it out. 

... Todd and I married to each other are toxic.....me removing myself from everything and only having responsibility for myself and my children, means we can still be friends.  We've actually been best friends our whole marriage....more than being an actual married couple. Deciding that being friends is the better choice, has helped in many ways. 

... I don't know that I've ever been "in love" with Todd.... I know I fell in love with another man 3years ago.  I know that when that ended it was harder to deal with than my marriage falling apart.  I still wish everyday when I wake up in the morning it will be the day that I get a message that says "Hey what are you doing?"  I miss talking to him and laughing with him, so much some days it hurts.  Do I think that will happen? The chances are pretty slim. But as much as I want to hear from him.....I don't need to hear from him to keep moving.  I'm not at a stand still.

... I'm going to get on with my life....I really would like to remember what sex is like. (Sorry just being real).

... Yes Todd can be an absolute Ass....I've called him this on many...many occasions.  But believe me when I tell you that I've had my moments when I've been a first class Bitch.  And the select few who have witnessed this would agree with me.  Not my most attractive quality and thankfully it doesn't surface very often. All I'm saying is we all have faults and I'm learning (very slowly) to stop judging.

... I have to thank Todd.  All the challenges we have faced, all the crap we've been through, going through Hell and back multiple times, have helped me become the person I am today.  I am glad I'm not that little girl afraid to step into the world and live my life.  I have been knocked on my Ass over and over and over again...and I each time I get back up....because each time I'm a little bit stronger. You can be damn sure this girl isn't going down without a fight.  Just ask my older brother who I used to have boxing matches with. Who would shake his head while I was on the ground asking me if I gave up....it wasn't ever over until the tears started.  ( Just a sidenote....my dad brought boxing gloves home from the casino he worked at...we thought it was fun to have fake boxing matches.  My brother is 3 years older than me and I can guarantee he never hit me very hard. ;o) )

... As sad as it was to have my Mother in Law pass away completely unexpectedly, I'm glad she went before her son.  I'm hoping that her being on the other side helps when it's his time.

... I don't know where I'll be in another year or two or three or whenever.  I'm kind of looking forward to the journey.  New experiences, new lessons to be learned, new people to meet.

... I love being surrounded by positive energy.  I have amazing people in my life, and I appreciate every single one of them.

... I hate self help books....dvds....cd's...you name it.  Anytime I've heard any of these people speak I think... "Well Duh"....to me this stuff is all common sense, and I never understand why people think it is so mind blowing.  Don't ever offer me any self help...anything.  I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know I have a lot of common sense which I think helps me in a lot of ways.   I knew my marriage was crap from the beginning.  But I wanted a family...I wanted the happily ever after...and I wanted to prove everyone wrong.   Just because I have common sense, doesn't mean I don't make stupid decisions.

... I still get angry, I don't let it take over my life.  Get angry, get it out, get over it.  I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be miserable.  I like smiling, I like helping people, and I like being happy. 

... I'm thankful everyday for what I have.  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my kitchen.  I have 4 kids who mean the world to me. I have my health.  I look around and know that things could be far worse. Yes life has been hard. It's how we deal with what we are given that makes all the difference in the world. 

... I'm relieved, I feel empowered, I am in control, I am dealing with life the best most positive way that I can. I'm still going to have bad days....nobody has good days everyday...I'm not superhuman.  And I'm.....Happy. Be happy for me. <3

Truth is.....

To say that it's been a Hell of a week would be a huge understatement.  It's been one of those weeks, that I question everything about my marriage. I've looked back at my life and wished I could change things..

Truth is...

...My husband screwed up royally and broke a promise he made to me years ago. 

...Addiction sucks...and it felt like it was too easy for him to throw everything away.

...Maybe I was looking for an excuse to say the words I've wanted to say for so many years.  Maybe I was waiting for him to screw up.

...I'm not innocent either....and when I unleashed all my anger on him, I told him I should have gotten on a plane 3 years ago when I had the chance.

...It's going to be a while before I trust anyone completely again.

...In my eyes my marriage is over, but honestly we haven't had a real husband/wife relationship....ever.

...I've always taken care of 80% of what goes on in this house....and I've hated it....but I'm used to it.  I've felt like a single parent for years. 

...I have a teenage son who is breaking my heart....who is making all the wrong decisions....and is following in his father's footsteps.

...I've given up for the most part on trying to parent him, because he doesn't want to listen to anyone. And because of that, he is currently sitting in the Juvenile detention center.

...I'm OK with it, because at least I know where he is.  And because of that I feel like the worst parent in the world and I've failed miserably.

...I feel cheated because I should be talking to my son about graduation and what  he's planning on doing next year....and instead I'm going to court with him.

...None of this is anything new, It's been stuff that has been going on for a while.  Sometimes, it just hurts more than other times.

...I don't regret for a second adopting him.

...I have a hard time making decisions, which is why I never graduated from college. I would much rather have someone decide things for me.

...I hate hurting people. I think about other people's feelings maybe too much.  I avoid confrontations.

...I'm incredibly stubborn, I hate asking for help, unless it's something I absolutely can't do.  I like knowing I can do things myself.  I like knowing I can handle it. There have been only a few times I've been so overwhelmed that I let people do things for me.

...I'm really easy going and I love having deep conversations about life and death and what goes on in our heads.

...I don't smile 24/7....but I'm not miserable 24/7 either.

...I don't know why people tell me I'm amazing.....I'm not functioning or doing anything out of the ordinary.  I'm just living this crazy life that I walked into, and even though there are days that are really hard, for the most part it's not that bad.

...I love music...it can change my mood. I even love going to Junior high concerts that my kids have been in.  Even when they sound awful it still can bring tears to my eyes. I love to sing....I sing with my kids all the time. 

...I love to laugh and I make sure I laugh with my kids often...another great mood changer.  My kids are goofy and dorky and sometimes a little nuts...and I love it.  You haven't experienced life until you're driving down the freeway, the "Gangnam style" song comes on the radio the sound gets turned up....and all the kids start doing the gangnam style dance....while all the people in the cars near you are looking at you like you're crazy.  These moments are the ones I live for.

...I'm doing OK....better than OK.  I finally feel like I've said the things I've been feeling for too long. I'm OK with things for the most part... the rest will come with time.

...I'm a different person than I was 15 1/2 years ago... I know who I am...

...You can laugh...you can cry...or you can get angry.  I would much rather be laughing than crying. I would much rather be living my life than sulking and feeling sorry for myself. 

Truth is....life is going to be different from here on out....and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Keeping Things Honest...Open...and Real....

I've had a million things running through my head all day, and I've felt the need to write something....anything down.  Yet again our life has shifted just a little.  Todd out of nowhere Wednesday afternoon felt nauseated and really sick.  I thought maybe it was something he ate although for the past few weeks he's had days sometimes in the mornings, sometimes in the evenings when he has had a little bit of nausea.  Wednesday night the vomiting started, continuing into the next day...blood...lots of blood...not a good sign. We are controlling it all with medication, and it means he will probably stay on hospice for now. 

This week (in 4 days) also happens to be the anniversary of the day my dad died.  My emotions have been in overdrive.  When I lost my dad I was 17.  It was sudden.  There were no last good-byes or last I love yous.  It floored us all and it's a day that for me is still hard to think about.  I remember little details.....My mom talking on the phone to my dad's secretary.....being asked to pick up my younger sister from basketball practice at the middle school, telling myself over and over "Do NOT cry, you can't tell her", and then hearing her break down as she walked in the front door.....My brother's best friend walking in the front door...crying....and then sitting with me for what seemed like hours, although I have no idea how much time it really was, it could have been minutes.....Trying...even then to be stronger than I was capable of being.  Having to go back to school, after 2 weeks, and not wanting to talk to anyone.  It was uncomfortable and awkward and I didn't know how to deal with it.  I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it....and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it.  So I kept everything to myself and I cried myself to sleep every night for months.  

As parents we want to keep our kids safe from all the bad things in the world.  We put our little naive parental force field around them and think we can keep them inside of it.  That whatever bad happens we can protect them from it with our strength a lone, that we can absorb all the pain.  Don't I wish.  I don't know what's worse, experiencing the sudden death of someone you love or watching someone you love deteriorate over time, watching them suffer, knowing what's coming. 

When Todd got sick, we didn't really say anything to our kids, other than he's sick. And we probably had a talk about the affects of alcohol.  For the most part I put up my shield.  I knew what was going to happen eventually, I had researched and knew how serious it all was. They didn't need to know.  When he got pneumonia and ended up in the ICU and we didn't know if he was going to make it, I had to sit down and have a conversation with my kids that I NEVER in my life wanted to have.  It was hard, but I told myself from that point forward I was going to be completely honest with them.  I told them exactly what was going on, I let them ask questions, and we all cried.  They know what's going on now.  I don't know how much it will help when the day comes that their dad isn't here.  But, they know they can talk to me. And when that day comes if they don't talk to me....I will talk to them.  This experience is hard for all of us.  But the one thing I've learned is no matter how hard it is we keep our lines of communication...honest, open and real for their level of understanding.  My youngest only understands that his daddy is very sick and my three teenagers understand....their dad is VERY sick.  As parents we need to give a little credit to our kids.  They understand and can handle sometimes more than we think. There are things in life my kids will have to learn on their own.  But, I have learned I can't shelter them from everything. I can say I'm blessed with kids who talk, who tell me what's going on.  Probably not everything....because what kid tells there parents everything.  But enough that I hope I know what is going on with them.  Life is hard....I don't want my kids to be scared to experience it....I want to help them find the tools to live it.

So....I've Been Seeing A Lot of Repeating Numbers Lately....

OK....If you didn't think I was a little "off" before, this post may or may not convince you that I am.  When I say I've been seeing a lot of repeating numbers....I mean all the time.  When I look at the clock...if I play a game they come up in my score...my totals at the grocery store......seriously...everywhere.  Lately it has happened so often that I decided I needed to look it up.  Something...somewhere in the Universe is trying to get my attention, and I just find this stuff incredibly interesting.  Some of it I think is hokey and some I find completely fascinating.  My repeating numbers I see all the time... 666, 555, 444, and 222.   I searched and searched and finally just googled 444 because nothing else was coming up.  I came up with this sight www.intuitivejournal.com.  And I thought I would share a little because I thought it was kind of cool. 


666... I'm starting with the one I was most scared about.  This number comes up everywhere in my life, it always has.  It's always bothered me.  And this meaning I can live with..
666 - Your material desires are overshadowing your personal path right now. Re-evaluate what it is you think you want. Simplicity is key. You need less than you think you do to be happy. You may be asking the wrong questions of yourself. 


555....I don't see this one as much, once in a while but as with the rest more so in the last few weeks.
555 - Changes are coming your way be ready to forge ahead with your plans. Be absolutely clear about what you want. Do not be afraid of changes in your life, welcome them instead. Although it may not seem like it, the change is for the better. Keep positive thoughts.


222...Same as above.
222 - The next step in the ladder, confirmation that your thoughts are aligned with truth and you should proceed with that thought.


444....This is the number that lately started...I guess weirding me out a little. Because it was one that I was seeing everyday for a few days in a row. And the reason why I finally decided I wanted to look all this up.
444 itself refers to an angelic presence surrounding you and taking comfort in the protection afforded you from the angels. Your angels are always near you, all you have to do is reach out to them with a thought, a thank you, or a wish or a prayer. No message goes unheard. You just may not get the answer in the form you expect. This may come in the form of music, a song on the radio, an Earth angel saying a specific phrase to you at just the right moment.


If you go to the website it goes into more depth about the meanings. And basically what I got out of it reaffirmed what I already know. Yes there are things I need to let go of....yes I have the ability to move forward and grasp change....and yes my angels are always around me.  So there you go. I needed to do a post that wasn't too heavy.  I'm heading into a week next week that is going to be hard for me on many levels.  It's not just losing the support of hospice (for a while)...it is all happening on the anniversary of the day my dad died.  Which isn't normally a great day for me anyway.  But maybe all of the above happening in the last few weeks were just my angels saying...."Hey...we're still here and we aren't leaving you." :o)

A Little Bump in the Road

The one thing I'm slowly learning about my life, is that I should never become too comfortable. Inevitably when I do life decides to flip me upside down, slap me around a little and dump me on my ass.  I don't know why my life is like this.  I wish I could say I had a perfect loving marriage to a man that takes care of me.  My siblings don't realize just how jealous I am of them.  I don't write about it for attention because I could really care less what people think of me.  I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.  I write because for me to stay sane I need to get this all out of my head.  And as weird as this sounds, for me to truly find myself...I needed to go on this journey.  Although I can't say for sure, I probably would have had challenges, trials no matter who I was married to. Even though I don't know for sure what my purpose is here, I'm sure I'm on the right road. 

I knew it was a possibility that Todd could be taken off of Hospice.  He isn't going to get better, but he has plateaued, he isn't getting any worse.  His blood work is just above where it needs to be to continue.  Last week when it went from possibility to reality I had a little breakdown.  I crumbled...I couldn't think, my world stopped for a moment.  I sat and cried.  Because all that was going through my head at that moment was...How am I going to do this?  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to hear that things were going to be OK.  I didn't want to hear I would be fine.  Because at that moment NOTHING was OK and I was NOT going to be fine.  So I went for a drive (if you haven't noticed I do this a lot).  However this was not one of those times I worked it all out in a couple of hours and felt better.  I just needed to get away from my house, from everyone.  For two days I cried, I slept like crap and I worried about what I do now.  Everything is so up in the air.  There is no time frame.  I don't know how long he will be off of Hospice.  I need to find a job, because we will have to start doctors appointments again.  And my biggest worry....dealing with Todd.  I'm losing my back up....when I have the arguments about him driving (which happen everyday), I will have no one to turn to, to say please help me out here. He is already making his plans to fix his van so he can drive again, because, "I AM driving again."  Heaven help me.  I apologize to any one in my neighborhood who is going to hear the arguing in advance.  I don't know how I get a full time job without...A. leaving Todd alone for too many hours (as I walked in the kitchen this morning after he made himself pancakes and he was busy eating in the bedroom, only to find the stove and oven still on).  and B. Putting more responsibility on my kids than they deserve right now.  It's hard enough for me to take care of Todd, I don't want to put that on them. 

You're expecting me to say now that I figured all of this out.  Well no... I haven't.  This is what I learned about myself this last week.  The more I go through, the stronger I become.  There are times I would love to curl up in a ball and disappear.  I would love to say I prefer to be weak right now, because I don't want to deal with all this shit.  I don't get that choice. Years ago if something like this were to happen it would probably have thrown me into a funk for months maybe years.  Now after a couple of days (I know this kind of sounds silly), my inner strength kicks in.  My brain...body...soul....says get up off of your ass and do something.  I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I do know I will figure something out.  We have hit a bump...OK it's not so little it's more of an average to large size bump, but still possible to get over...and we will.

Saturday Morning....

I don't know about everyone else in the world, but Saturday is usually clean the house day...at least in the morning.  I don't get too picky about this because really my house is lived in and it will NEVER be completely clean.  Every once in a while I get that cleaning bug where I get motivated to clean EVERYTHING....and by the time I finish with one room....I've gotten over my bug.  My walls will never look perfect because I have a son who writes and draws on all of them. He is getting a little better about it, but every once in a while I see a new word or smiley face somewhere.  I don't get upset about it...and sometimes I laugh.  Three words at the top of my stairs in pink permanent marker.... Wii...Leapster...Penis...Tried to remove them....can't....and I'm not painting anytime soon. Maybe he was expressing three things that were important to him that day....who knows.  We get a good laugh over it and go on with our day. (By the way anyone with ideas to remove marker from walls feel free to share).

Today has already been one of those interesting days, I got up and took my oldest son to work and on the way we actually had a real conversation.  One that didn't involve the words....please...that's so unfair....can I....you always say no... I actually feel like we made a half step forward.  When I got home and opened the front door to find my 14 year old son in a mid ninja like move with fly swatter in hand....I just laughed and walked up the stairs.  As I got upstairs I could hear my youngest son talking in his room and I peeked in and saw him chatting away with his cars using different voices and making a movie with his leapster.  When I said "good morning" to him....he jumped, looked at me, smiled and said... "Mom...don't scare me like that."   When I looked in on my daughter....still sleeping room still a mess...I let her sleep (we would have negotiations later on when she would get her Ipod back) and I decided I really needed a workout today after the brownie, cookie, reeses peanut butter cup thing that I made last night that made me sick. 

Right now as I'm writing my 14 yr old is helping his little brother clean his room (voluntarily)....and my daughter, because she really wants her Ipod back today instead of next week has agreed to finish her room, clean the kitchen, clean the living room and I told her she had to do 30 minutes on the elliptical (I threw that one in because sometimes I like being a smart ass).  There is a radio turned up because my kids, like me need music to clean....it makes it so much more tolerable....and I think I'm going to attempt to clean my closet, but I'm going to go get me a diet coke first....No I haven't given up caffeine yet, but I am feeling better with other changes I have made.  Have a great Saturday!

A Need for Change...

OK....so I'm sitting here watching Dr. Oz.  My house is quiet....the kids are all at school, Todd is sleeping.  The subject that he was just talking about was Peri menopausal rage, and as they are talking about it, I'm sitting here in my head thinking...."Oh my gosh...that is me".   I literally have times when I feel nuts. when I get angry.....seriously angry over nothing.  I know my hormones are out of whack.  I say horrible, awful things....my husband is usually the recipient of this....and then when it's over I FEEL AWFUL.  I can get mad just because someone walks in the room at the wrong time. I don't know how many women out there go through this but at least I know I'm not the only one that this happens to.  I'll give you an example....because you know I like to put myself out there.  Conversation between Todd and I last week that set me off...

Todd... "Hey, do you think you can make the bed, I'm going to come in and lay down for a while?"

Me... "Can it wait until later?  I don't really feel good, I can tell my blood pressure is high and I just want to lay here for a little while"

Todd starts making the bed around me, and I throw the covers off the bed and BOOM I blow up...

Me... "My blood pressure is high because I'm stressed out all the time and I'm going to end up having a heart attack and dying.....and YOU....even with your bad liver and diabetes....still smoke and live on junk food and your blood pressure is perfect....I don't get it!

Todd..."Gee Angie....I'm sorry I'm not dying fast enough for you.....

And then I went to my car...went for a drive and cried.  Putting aside every problem in my marriage... That...is NOT me.   We might have a lot of arguments, but I'm not normally mean. 


So...solutions.....birth control....anti depressants.....or cut out caffeine, sugar, alcohol and I didn't catch all the supplements that you could take but I did hear Omega 3.    Well there is no way in Hell that I'm starting on birth control again, anti depressants...I don't really want another pill.  I've already accepted the fact I need to change my diet...alcohol...no worries there I don't drink....sugar I have mostly (98%) cut that out over the last 3 weeks....caffeine...Ugh.... If it helps at this point I have to be willing to try.  I have 3 diet cokes left in my fridge....I have tried to give this up soooo many times in the past.  I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy.  I'm tired of anger and outbursts coming out of absolutely nowhere.   So I have my chia seeds and my flax seeds and I'm going to seriously try to give up  caffeine. Wish me luck..... And if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this and has any advice please...I'm begging for suggestions, because I'm tired of feeling....crazy.

A Little Flip in My Perspective..

I probably should avoid writing posts when I'm feeling off.  But the purpose of my blog is to 1. Be an outlet for my emotions and 2. Give an inside view to just some of my experiences, some of the things I've learned along the way....and maybe if there is even one person out there going through something similar, to help them feel like they are not alone.  

Over the course of my 40 years....I like everyone else in this world....have made mistakes.  Life is all about accepting those mistakes as lessons and learning from them. The more we dwell on past mistakes, the less we learn from them. And if we blame others for our mistakes....well we learn absolutely nothing. A very sad thing indeed.  So what do I mean by perspective...Obviously it's how we view the world...our lives....the way we do things based on our beliefs and who we are.  Up until a few years ago I was a worrier...a dweller.  My perspective of life came almost solely from how I was raised, my beliefs....and I was afraid to think outside of my little box.  I've mentioned before that I'm LDS (a Mormon).  When I was 24 I met my husband...and one month later found myself pregnant.  Mormon and living in Utah and pregnant before marriage (not saying it doesn't happen), but it's not looked upon well at all.  I felt abandoned by people who I thought I could turn to and I was completely alone.  I felt like dirt.  I felt like every person who looked at me was judging me. I was pregnant for the first time and there wasn't one moment that I was happy.   No one will ever understand my guilt and the shame that I felt.  Do I look at that time as a mistake....that's a hard one.  I'm going to say no.  Do I wish it could have been different? Yes.  I made the choice to get married, because I didn't want those "looks" anymore.  I didn't want to raise a child alone.  Fast forward through my life...through a ton of arguments...sleepless nights...frustration...fear....pain....tears...lots of tears....Lots of mistakes.  Many times I looked back and wondered why I made the choices I made.  I got mad at myself for being so stupid for being the stubborn person that I was (still am...that will never change) and not listening to the people around me telling me what I should and shouldn't do.  Ahhh enlightening moment....

One day I woke up and the world was a different place....not really, but I started looking at it differently.  I started questioning the way I think. Why do I have to do things to please everyone?  Why do I feel guilty for not going to church when I have people around me telling me I need to be there?  I'm not saying church is bad in fact my older kids go without me (I know good mom award of the year...I don't need the lecture). Why did I have to feel like people needed to tell me what to do for me to make a decision?  Why can't I just say NO and be ok about it?  So I stopped being a worrier. I stopped worrying about what people thought about me (which is why I can even have this blog No way I could have done this a few years ago).  If you don't like me, No big deal.  The only people that matter, in terms of what they think about me, are the people that care about me.  I have more of an attitude now.....deal with it.  I express my feelings now....get used to it.  I have good days and bad days.  I can be a pillar of strength, but that doesn't mean I'm perfect I have pieces of that pillar that have broken off and I have plenty of cracks from top to bottom. 

One very important lesson I have learned is I should never say I can't take anymore (yes I'm aware I still do this), because undoubtedly there is somebody upstairs saying, "Oh you poor dear....I'm sorry but you ain't seen nothin' yet."  I've learned to widen my perspective.  It's not contained in a box anymore.  I have a friend of mine who I've talked to a lot about this....and she always asks, when faced with a decision/situation.  "What's the worst thing that can happen?"   For some people thinking the same way their whole lives is fine, it works for them.  One way of thinking....doing things if it works for you....great.  I kind of like being able to look at things from different angles.  I like looking at things from somebody else's point of view, and at the end of the day have my own opinion.  I have to thank my friend for this because these are her words, "Sometimes you have to take your perspective and flip it."

And because I had a few people worried about me the other day...I just have to make clear.  That as long as I can get in a car turn the radio up obnoxiously loud to drown out my anger and slowly turn it down as I drive until I can turn it off and think clearly again....then I'm ok.  It also is huge when I have those people in my life who really...truly care...who will just listen for a little while and let me vent. To those of you who have done that....Thank you and you know I would do the same for you.

In a Nutshell...

I admit it, I've cracked...gone nuts....I've simply had enough.  I can't find balance.  Pretending to be happy..OK...when I know people really don't want to hear everyday that I have a bad day doesn't always work. Because no one really knows what to say.  I honestly don't know if I would know what to say either.  Should I go to therapy...probably...but I'm not spending money I don't have to talk to somebody who at the end of the day, really doesn't care.  

For a few weeks now the lava in my personal volcano has been building.  My son, who I love with all my heart, is going to drive me insane.  The other day I went to lunch with my mom and sisters and I got a text from him saying. "Mom...you need to call dad and wake him up he's been falling asleep in the garage for hours."  I'm sorry....was it too hard for him to get off the couch and walk a few feet?!  Later when I picked him up from work and he said, "So, did dad survive today?"   I lost it....I blew... When I informed him that if he expected me to continue driving him to and from work he was going to start giving me gas money, he told me I should be doing it out of the kindness of my own heart because I'm his mom.  Deep Breathe.....  A couple of days later when I decided to take a drive by myself to clear my head he got mad because I wasn't home to drive him up the road to a place maybe 5 miles away.  A place he could have, and has in the past ridden his bike to.  He was pissed....and I turned my phone off.  I apparently have done a huge disservice to my almost 18 year old son who seems to think the world needs to stop when he wants it to. Between him and my husband I have been pushed so far past my limits and I've been functioning at such a high level of frustration that I feel like I just want to give up.

My husband...the fact that he doesn't even get when he's being selfish....kills me.  Truth...I don't ask for birthday presents for a reason, because  I know we don't have the extra money to spend.  So on my birthday my husband bought me a card and a bag of granola....and he bought HIMSELF a couple of new shirts and a few things he thought he needed.  Wow... OK... HUGE TMI...if you don't want to know this much about me close your eyes...read no further at least the next couple of lines.  Here's MY selfish side.  I happen to like sex. (Sorry this is part of my reality and I'm sure I'm not alone).  I know there's a lot of women who could care less when it comes to this.  I'm not one of those women...it's been a very long time (years before he was in the hospital) and I really...really miss it.  Imagine laying next to your significant other night after night, for days, weeks, months years.  Feeling like there is a wall between you. No intimacy...no physical contact....nothing except maybe an occasional kiss good night.  The silent 'what's wrong with me' tears only happen for the first few months and then resentment year after lonely year, until we've gotten to a place where it is too late to ever go back.  Love cannot survive when we are selfish, when we don't recognize each others needs.  My husband and I are too different.  We don't fit together.

So I've finally hit my limit, I feel like I just want to disappear.  Depression has finally caught up with  me and I'm too tired to care anymore.   Yes if you see me, I'm still going to have a smile on my face, I'm still going to tell you everything is fine.  Why?  Because that's just who I am.  Life still happens.  I still have moments in between the tears that make me happy.  Life as it always does will still go on.  And because I've shown enough "crazy" for a while, I think my blog is going to go on hold....for now anyway...

Happy Birthday to Me :o)

Today is the day.  Yep it's my birthday.....40 yrs young.  You now have permission to wish me a Happy Birthday.  I feel the same as I did yesterday and the day before that.  I look in the mirror and other than the strands of grey hairs that I have I don't think I look that old.  I'm really not sure what 40 is supposed to look like.  It's more weird to think about. It doesn't upset me, or  make me feel old.  How am I celebrating?  Well on Saturday my husband and I went to dinner and a movie.  Now I'm not a huge movie watcher.  But my husband really wanted to go to one (even though I didn't....he doesn't listen very well....just some of our issues, deal with it and move on, I'm pretty used to this).  It was however a night out without kids....and it was good, it was nice.  We've been married for 14 1/2yrs, but we've never "dated" much....so it's always a little quiet...awkward..I don't have the right word for it.  Today I've just relaxed.  The kids have cleaned the house....I allowed my son to drive his dad to the store to get whatever supplies are needed for dinner and cake.  Right now, they are on their second trip....that's what happens when you leave going to the store to boys ;o).  I made sure my daughter accompanied them the second time.  When they asked me what I wanted for dinner.  My answer....whatever you want to make me....if you want to buy pizzas I'm totally ok with it.  Let's be honest as long as they clean it up...it really doesn't matter.  I've been spoiled by friends....and I asked earlier on FB for people to tell me how we met.   And if you know me and have any memories at all that you want to share about our friendship...I would love to hear them.  All in all it's been a good day.... Happy Birthday to me... Now I'm going to cuddle up with my little guy and watch some more of the Olympics and let everyone else do all the work.

Serenity Now....

OK I admit it, sometimes I can be a little bit difficult, complicated, ornery....I'm sure there's a lot of adjectives that would fit.  That is, as much as I like to think I'm a patient, understanding....go with the flow....don't let too many things get to me kind of person, sometimes....when everything happens at once and the planets align just right, I turn into a crazy...lunatic...wench.  This week...well....life happened like it always does, but... the planets aligned just right.  And today when I went out to my backyard and I couldn't open the gate to get to the front yard, because it was locked.....Who locks their gates? I mean really, all that's back there is my garden. You want tomatoes?  Go ahead take a few.  It was my last straw for the week. So when I stormed in the house and questioned my husband, who said it was to keep the dog in the yard.  OH that explains it, I didn't realize the dog learned how to open the gate. And I said something stupid like I don't care if the dog runs away....and he said Why don't you run away...... I did. Like I can really go anywhere and do anything with absolutely no money. But I did take a long drive.

What it comes down to is that I am with my husband 24 hours a day 7 days a week...and I'm sorry but this could strain the greatest  of marriages.  We were barely hanging on to begin with.  Yes we are dealing with an awful situation where I need to be here.  My husband needs the help and my kids need me to be mom.  It is a strain mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.  Most days I don't know how I do all this....some days I don't want to and wish I didn't have to.  I'm not going to lie and say that my husband getting sick and having this horrible disease that is slowing killing him has made us closer.   We have resolved things.  I love him because he is the father of our children. That's not going to change, he is an important part of my life.  But we still have the same issues now that we have always had.  And I still get angry with him and we still have arguments.   Mentally I can deal with all of this as long as I can get away by myself for a little bit so I can get over it.  But my body is not dealing....this last week has been so stressful that my blood pressure has been way too high and I've been having some chest pains.  Scary?  Uh....yea.   I've already changed my diet, but I need something to relax more.   I decided on my drive today that once school starts I'm going to look for a part time job.  I think Todd will be fine If I work a few hours a week.  I don't even care what it is...I just need to get away from what I'm dealing with even for a short time. 

One of the hard parts about being a caregiver, is taking care of yourself.  I know it's important to find time for myself, it's not as easy as it sounds, and I've struggled for the last 9 months to find any kind of balance.  Because of this last week it's a necessity.  I need to find time for myself....I need to find some balance.. and I understand now how very important that is.   

So I'm turning 40.......Whatever.....

Ok before I start getting people wishing me Happy Birthday, I still have a couple of weeks....so let me enjoy my last couple of weeks in my 30's.  The funny thing is I've always said age is just a number.  I would say 95% of the time I actually believe this.  It's really how you feel that matters.  I don't feel any different now than I did 15 even 20 years ago.  I've been married for 14 1/2 years.... My oldest son is almost 18 my youngest 8....and I have moments when I'm sitting with my 4 kids and I look at them and think.....who hit the fast forward button? I swear I can remember very clearly one day sitting at my kitchen table...my youngest was 1 in a high chair...my others 6..7..and 10...and thinking I wonder what it's going to be like when they get older?  I'm telling you....it feels like I was thinking this yesterday....last week....not 7 years ago.  Didn't I just graduate from high school.....go to college....get married?   

I'll admit I did let the fact that I'm turning 40 get to me....for a couple of days.  I think it's the shock of it all. That moment when you say "Holy crap....40?!"  But then....I started looking back at my life.  I may not feel different....but I have changed so much. The way I look at life, my goals, my dreams...what I've learned.  Back then I was shy, naive, I had zero self confidence, I was unsure of who I was and what I wanted out of life.  And I realized, I'm ok with where I am right now.  I know where I want to be and what I want to be doing in the future.  I even love the age that my kids are at.  I might have 3 teenagers with full on teenager attitudes...but it's nice to be able to have conversations with them about their dreams and life and what they think and worry about and I love that we have that kind of a relationship.  And my youngest is so sweet and full of life...he is my sunshine everyday. 

So yep...I'm turning 40 and honestly it's not a big deal....I'm not someone that really does birthday parties.  I would rather have a get together and bbq with friends and family on a random day than have a party for myself.  I would rather go out and buy something that I need for my birthday than have people give me presents.   I gave up on my husband buying me presents long ago...we just don't have the same taste and he's sentimental....and buys things that he thinks I would like.  After the birthday that he took me shopping for a sewing machine...(I don't sew...not then...not now...not ever) and I hurt his feelings, because this was something he really wanted to get for me... I decided just to tell him, please don't worry about my birthday.   I still have the sewing machine...I still don't understand why he had to buy it for me when I told him I didn't want it....and I've still never used it 10years or more later although my daughter does, so I've handed it down.  For me, my birthday is just another day....with cake and ice cream.  I'm perfectly happy just spending it with my family....No presents needed.  And I've decided I like being the age that I am...20 was nice, when I was 20.  But I like still feeling like I'm in my 20's and knowing so much more.  It's really not a bad thing.  40....whatever...it's just a number. 

The Talk....

For about the past week....really since I came home from our reunion I've been in an ornery...depressed....bitchy....I don't want to get out of bed and do anything so leave me alone kind of mood.  I have gotten up and done things and gone on with my life, but in the quiet rare moments when I'm by myself.....I just can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Last week I had a day that I stayed in bed until about 2 in the afternoon... I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to talk to anyone, when my kids opened my door I pretended I was still sleeping (It's a good thing my kids are older).  I laid there thinking about life, about the future and wishing I just knew what to do.  I finally got myself up...got dressed...and walked out the front door.  My kids all looked at me and asked where I was going....my only reply...."Out keep an eye on your little brother."   I drove around my town, paid a couple of bills, stopped at the local Chevron for a drink....and found myself parked in front of the cemetery.   I just sat there....thinking...crying.  I came to two conclusions.  Before my husband dies he needs to be at peace.....The thing is I don't know how this is going to happen.  I know it's important for him and me to be....OK.  Man have I struggled with this one, because for me and him to be ok....I have to be ok.  I'm working on it and getting there.  I realized I can't continue to hurt him/ punish him for the past just to make myself feel better.....trust me, it doesn't work. But I know that WE are getting closer to being alright. The hard part would be...him and his dad.  He NEEDS to talk to his dad about the past...and his dad avoids the questions.  I don't know if Todd can be at peace if he doesn't feel like his dad even loves him.  It's a tougher situation than even him and I....at least we hash it all out...get it out into the open and try to resolve it.....try being the most important word. His dad basically says what's in the past is the past get over it.  Yes...maybe....but not in this case. So I'm trying to help him with this.

The second thing I decided as I drove through the cemetery...where my dad is...my grandparents...my nephew....generations of relatives...is that I needed to sit down with Todd and have "the talk".  The one I have avoided since the year we found out he was sick. All the things I didn't want to think about because it starts to make everything too real.  You would think I would have thought about some of this stuff, when he was in the hospital....when I was fighting with his family about what his wishes were while he was laying there in a medically induced coma.  I wasn't thinking about anything then...except driving to the hospital everyday and driving home.  So yesterday I sat down...and let him know what I've been thinking about, what I've been worrying about.  Getting his affairs in order...so to speak.  I want everything decided...the funeral...where he wants to be buried...what he wants to do with his stuff....Names that our oldest son who I adopted needs if he ever chooses to go looking.  Stuff that I don't know...that I need to know.  He had a hard time with this conversation, and I'm not going to push him to get it all done at once....little by little.  But, I don't want to fight with his family when he's gone, I want everything clear, so there is no question.  And I know that I won't be thinking clearly enough to make decisions afterwards.  I can't even imagine how hard all of this is for him....and now I'm telling him we need to start planning things....but it needs to be done.  So my mood has been a little off.... But at least we have things out in the open....dealing with the subjects we have been avoiding....because it's hard...and it sucks.....but at least trying to deal with them.  And we are taking moments to find some peace and smile even if it's little things like the whole family wanting to go with me to return a movie...2 minutes away from our house and then stopping off at Dairy Queen for some ice cream.  We still have to live life....and we still have to carry on...even on the hard days...

Back to Reality...

I think the last two weeks have quite possibly been the craziest, most stressful....that I've had in a long time.  Last week, we (my four kids and I) traveled to Gatlinburg, Tn for my family reunion with my six siblings their families and our mom.  Every other year we choose another random spot to go.  It is pretty much the only time we are all ever in one place. I love it... I love seeing my brothers and sisters that I don't see very often and my cute nieces and nephews that are growing up so fast.  This year I didn't know if I was going to be there, especially with everything we are dealing with at home.  My mom would ask me if I was going and all I could say was.... I don't know.  She finally ended up just getting plane tickets and saying we'll see what happens.  My stress began when I knew I was going to have to tell my husband I was going but he wasn't.  He physically couldn't make the trip....and he would have been so exhausted by the time we got there. It just wouldn't have been worth it for him to go.....well we've gone and come home....and he's still upset about it. I've come to the conclusion that in my life whatever decision I make I'm always going to hurt someone. It would really be nice if one day it didn't have to be that way. Anyway.... the two weeks before we left I was filled with anxiety.  As I get older I hate flying more and more....so my sleep was off, I was having awful dreams and I couldn't get myself excited about going.  I had to figure out how I was getting my husband to the place he was supposed to stay.... because of course his family wouldn't help.  I had to figure out what to do with the dog...and the fish.  And I had to buy clothes that actually fit my children since I had a couple go through major growth spurts this year. It was a lot of running around and making sure I had everything I needed.  (You have to understand....aside from these family reunions...since I've been married I haven't been on vacation in the last 14 years).   Finally the week before, I got everything worked out....Todd ended up staying home, because he refused to go to the nursing home...and we had someone check on him daily. Everything else just fell into place. 

The day before we left....my car died...well it decided to start over heating. My only car that works....what I was supposed to drive to the airport.  I knew I could get a ride to the airport (and we did)....it was the fact that I was going to come home to a car I had to fix.....and I cried.  Then the fun began.  Now I don't know if you've ever had the joy of flying to or through Atlanta....but unless I'm visiting my sister in Georgia....I will never go there again.  We arrived in Atlanta on time and had a 2 hour lay over before our flight to North Carolina...2 hours turned into 3...then 4 then 5...and then they canceled it altogether.  I only had 5 days on this trip...I had already known that 2 of those days would be spent traveling....We couldn't get on a flight until the next morning. My 3 days of rest...recharging my batteries so to speak...was cut down to 2 1/2.  I was stressed and upset, but I couldn't wait to see everyone so I pushed it all aside.  We had a 2 hour drive through the Smoky mountains...it was nice.  I like driving....I prefer driving. I was totally contemplating just driving home after the reunion to avoid flying altogether.  When we finally got to our destination I felt like I could breath a little. 

It was 2 1/2 days that were packed with things to do...and we had so much fun. I was glad that we went.  I forced myself to be around everyone...because even though I was glad to be there....my emotions were always close to the surface.  It was hard looking around and seeing my siblings with their spouses.  I was alone.....and I felt very much alone....it could have been very depressing....but I kept busy. We wore ourselves out.  It was a full and well spent 2 1/2 days.  I wasn't gone long enough to relax....but it's ok. My last night there....I spent up all night with the stomach flu. One of those REALLY?!?!? moments.  I honestly spent a lot of my vacation thinking that Karma was coming back on me.  Between the car and the canceled flight and the stomach flu....good grief...I can never do anything and have it be easy.  We got home safe and sound...and on time...and I managed not to puke on the flight home after the night I had had. Got up the next morning and checked on and weeded my gardens...all was good...and then I slipped down my stairs and sprained my foot.....again...REALLY?!?!?  Well....I can't complain too much I got to stay in bed for 2 days and got some rest. And the pain isn't too bad anymore.  The car is getting fixed...hopefully I'll have something to drive again tomorrow...and  life goes on.  All I can do is look back over the past couple of weeks and be thankful....it may have felt like a dream because it went by so fast...but I'm glad we went.  I'm glad we had that time together...and I'm so very thankful to have the family that I do.

Yay! I'm Going on Vacation

For the past few weeks...maybe longer, I've known that I was taking the kids and going to my family reunion.  It's in July....so, very soon, and it's out of state.   The problem.....telling my husband.   Why? Because I'm not married to someone who is that understanding.  "Women do not go on vacation without their husbands."  Yes he has actually said this to me before.   Not only that, he can't stay home alone.  This means he will have to stay in a nursing home. So.... I've been stressing over telling him and have put it off and put it off....until today. 

A funny thing happens when you push me, just..far..enough.  I suddenly just don't care anymore.   This week....Ugh...this week....has been filled with complete frustration.  I'm not really going into everything.  Same old same old.  I was sick this week, for a couple of days I was in bed with a fever.  I forget, I'm not actually allowed to be sick.  I'm married to a man that requires my full attention, who doesn't give a crap if I'm sick...especially when he neeeeds (wants) to go somewhere.  To all women out there.....If you are married to someone who takes care of you..even a little bit when you're not feeling well.  If you are married to someone who cleans and helps with the kids and shares even a tiny bit of the responsibilities in your home.  I hope you tell him "thank you" often.  Because we don't all have that and I'm totally jealous of you.  Anywhooo.... This morning I was woken up not once....not twice...but three different times.  By three different people.  The last one being Todd.... "Angie"....."Angie"......"Angie"......WHAT?!  "I need you to take me to the Home Depot I got the wrong glue yesterday."  (I won't even go into the fact that I have no idea why I spent 2 hours at Home Depot yesterday....for glue...for some project that will never get done).  Great....is it possible that I can finish sleeping now?  (He completely ignores this statement)... "I'll be downstairs waiting...hurry up...you don't need to shower."  Now I could have gone back to sleep at this point, but knowing this man that I've lived with for 14 years as well as I do, that wasn't ever going to happen.  So I got up..... and after I got mad about something in the car and he made the comment.. "I don't know what I did to make you so mad at me this morning.."  I said...screw it...  and told him about the vacation and that he wasn't going to be able to go.  Was he upset? Yes.  As bad as I thought it would be? No.  I'm going to be hearing about it for the next who knows how long.  And he will try his hardest to make me feel guilty...not going to happen.  And I don't care.   I'm glad I finally told him.. it still doesn't feel like it's really going to happen.  I won't believe I'm going until I'm sitting on the plane.  But the hard part is done and now I can work on getting ready to go.

Drawing a Line

There is just something about sitting on my back porch in the morning.  Listening to the birds, a slight breeze in the air and having a million thoughts running through my head.  Ok....so I can hear the cars on the freeway....but after 14 years of living here, Eh...I'm pretty used to it.  I like having the mornings to myself.  I have 3 days until school is out for the summer and I want to enjoy as much of that time as I can. (Not that I don't enjoy the time I spend with my kids, I just know I won't get much time to myself for the next 2 1/2 months).  In fact, I just got irritated with my son who skipped his first period class today. "When exactly are you leaving?  This is my alone time and I would like to be a...lone." Nice parenting...I know.  So I'm on my back porch writing this in a notebook, because I don't want to be anywhere near a computer right now.

I've had this post running through my head for a while.  It's putting it into the right words that has been the hard part.  I have no problem talking about my husband's alcoholism...now, but, I hid it for years....we hid it for years.  I was a true enabler in every sense of the word.  When he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis our families really didn't understand why.  I had to start talking.  I was embarrassed  and ashamed of the life I had chosen, for what I let myself put up with.  Years of shame, hurt, tears....fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of not really knowing what he was capable of when he was in that state of mind.  Fear of what he would do if I left, and fear of having to do everything alone.  I was miserable, I had no one to talk to about what I was going through, and I was alone.  I've talked about this before, but after my husband quit drinking, I changed.  I was becoming my own person.  I started wearing make up again and doing my hair.  When he was drinking, he had a paranoid jealousy thing going on.  If I made myself look nice to go to work, he was automatically suspicious that I was trying to impress somebody.  When he quit drinking that behavior stopped, for the most part.  The funny thing is I never looked at other guys.  I was married...I didn't need to.  That's not something I thought about.

So what changed with me?  Ha...funny enough....I had an affair...long distance.  (Judge me if you want....I don't care).   I started talking to a guy I knew when I was younger and I can only explain it as an instant connection.  I wasn't looking for someone to talk to....it started with a Hey, how are you? How's your family?  We ended up talking almost everyday sometimes hours at a time...about anything, everything, the past, our different memories of the people we knew.  I laughed so much when we talked, and...I fell in love with him.  For a little over a year, I. was. happy.  When he told me he loved me, I wanted to jump on the next plane...and I couldn't.  He and I never talked about why I couldn't leave.  I avoided that conversation.  It wasn't because I loved my husband, it was because I understood how sick he really was (is).  I couldn't take our kids away from him, and have them lose that time with him, no matter my feelings.  It's been 2 years since the last time we talked, I hurt him...and he walked away...and my heart was shattered.  I still miss him everyday.  Yes my husband knows...  I'm not in any way trying to justify what I did.  It is what it is. I hurt my husband....I hurt the man I fell in love with...and I hurt myself.  And I deserved it...period.

So here I am... putting myself out there.  Why? to show you I'm human.  My husband will never really understand what he did in our marriage to hurt me. What could he have possibly done? Our marriage was perfect.....with beer goggles on....I suppose it was.  And towards the end I contributed my fair share to our dysfunction.  I don't wear my wedding ring anymore.  It just doesn't feel right. The main point is I have to accept that he will never fully understand.  Nothing I do or say will make him see what things were really like.  I have to draw a line and say....I'm not going to that place anymore.  When he is no longer with us, I will draw another line.  I will no longer revisit the past, except with my kids.  They are the only ones that will need to talk about it.  For me, the alcoholism...the hurt, will be a chapter in my life that will be closed forever.  I refuse to take that part of my past into my future.  I'll leave fate to sort everything else out. So, I draw a line and know that it's ok to just. let. it. go. 

A Little Lecture....or Pep Talk.... Whatever You Want to Call it.

So I've had two other posts (one that I'm probably not going to write about) in my head for the last week.  However due to the events of earlier in the day, I chose something completely different for today.  Although not completely different from past posts, just completely different from what was in my head.

I've expressed my frustrations with my oldest son before.  I mentioned how he was put on house arrest for 30 days due to his choices that he has made. He's been off of house arrest for exactly 9 days....and we're back to square one.   It's extremely frustrating.  Today I had to go pick him up from the local McDonald's because he got into a fight with a kid from school.  Let me just take this opportunity to say how much I appreciate our local officers....I just don't like to get phone calls from them.  Now he faces another court date and all the consequences that come with it.

On the way home we were kind of talking.....arguing...and I asked whose fault it was that he had friends that were bad influences...that were contributing to him making all these "bad" choices. Silly me thought he would take responsibility and say, "Well...it's my fault."  To my surprise he said, "It's YOUR fault." (meaning me...his mom).  Excuse me....How exactly is it MY fault that you've changed your friends and started hanging out with kids that you end up getting in trouble with?  I didn't go to school and say..."Hey, those kids look like a group of bad asses....why don't you go hang with them and see how much trouble you can get into."  BULL SHIT!!  If you want to talk to me about what happened....come talk to me.  If you're going to blame me for your actions the conversation will be over and you can go cry to your therapist and the judge and see what they say.  Look I'm not saying he wasn't given a bad hand...he's had to deal with a lot in his life.  In NO way, shape or form does that give anyone an excuse to break the law...period.

So I walked into the house.....and he sat in the car for about 10 minutes...before he came in my room to talk about it.  Well....before he came in my room trying to convince me it wasn't his fault and he really was trying to change.  And cue the lecture... I'm actually kind of proud of myself today.  I didn't lose it and I didn't go on for hours and hours. In a nutshell I looked at him and said...If you truly want to change....show me.  Words to me are just words they mean absolutely nothing.  I've been burned too many times.  I'm not talking about changing for a day or a week or a month.....the true test is if you can keep it going.  So don't stand there and tell me you want to change and then do absolutely nothing about it....prove it.  Second......I would NEVER let anyone else take credit for my choices....my actions....my mistakes.  They are mine and mine alone.  I would not be the person that I am today if it weren't for the choices that I've made....the mistakes that I made.  They make me.....me.  Good...bad...and ugly.  Don't blame anyone else for the choices you make, because all it will do is make you angry and miserable.  Take your mistakes and learn from them. We all make them, I guarantee I'll be making mistakes for the rest of my life.  Then a little of I wish you could see your full potential...you could be doing so much more, because you have so much more to give... My usual lecture stuff.  It really is frustrating because he has so many strengths....but he is so angry and he can't see past that right now.

He left for work shortly after and my daughter turned to me and said "Good pep talk Mom."  Really?... "Yea I'm being serious."   Well I'm glad somebody got something out of it.  "Mom...I always learn good stuff from you."  By the way....Love that she called it a pep talk and not a lecture... Maybe just maybe there is a little bit of hope after all.  Let's all have a great weekend!